"If we're never together, if I'm never back again, well I swear that I'll love you forever"
I've been so confused lately. As lonely as I am usually, I realize it's only in comparison to how social I was the year before I left. I thought that when I moved down here, I would find a group similar to the crew I spent almost every day and every night with for the past year. Problem is that I don't know where I even found those friends. It could've been through Kevin, through Spencer and Dave, maybe Vicki. It was probably a combination of them all, through going to school with them and playing frisbee. Still, I don't know how it all ended up here. How I got so close to them all and then to only convince myself that I'd be OK moving away. Now all I want to do is move back home and give up on everything that I've accomplished here, which consists of only minor friendships that I'm sure no one would mind losing and a soccer team I've committed myself to. I also have that lease I signed, which isn't an accomplishment but a binding contract that could keep me here until May unless I want to break it and pay $2500. My pride also get's in my way of the idea of moving back home. I've finally gotten out. I don't have any authorities to check in with or be punished by around here. I don't have to tell people where I'm going or when I'll be back and no one to worry about me when I don't come home until 4 in the morning. Point being, I have all this freedom but I never get to enjoy it. I never have the chance to be out having fun until 4 in the morning like I used to have all the time back in CV. I don't have the chance to get so drunk that I can't drive home and I have to spend the night on the floor of a great friend. Nope, I just sit on my couch waiting for someone to IM me while I watch TV. This isn't college, this is 50-year-old-bachelor life. I half blame it on my laziness and skepticism to get a roommate and half on CSULB not having guaranteed housing for freshmen. All the kids I've met and talked to either live in the dorms or commute to school, so they've either made friends with their roommate and suite mates or still have their high school friends around. No one need's a new friend to hang out with a lot. Except me. I need one. One. How hard is it to find one person? Apparently it's hard in college when you're living in a studio apartment and never go out because you have no where to go. And no money. All the money that I made at Al's and that my dad gave to me has been spent on rent and bills. I've been here for almost 2 months and it's all gone. The money that I have left is in other accounts and it's titled "college money"... not money that I can use with good conscience on shows or movies or amusement park tickets. All I get to buy is food. Food that's on sale. I bet you're thinking "why don't you get a job then?" Well I will tell you why not, because the semester is over in 2 months. So in 2 months I'll be going back home for at least 2 weeks, maybe even a month. Quitting after 2 months just seems so unfair to the employer. I felt bad quitting Al's after 8 months. I had to make up bogus reasons just to make it sound like I could never work any days ever. "I'm going to have frisbee practice twice a week and then tournaments once a month for a weekend" Yeah right, I never went to practice, and I think we had one tournament when I started playing again "I'm going to be playing indoor soccer and that's going to take up another 2 days a week" I didn't even end up playing indoor last year. I think I just added in that I had to do well in school also. Yeah, I suck at quitting, and getting a job for 2 months just wouldn't go well with me. I don't know where I'm going with this, or where I've been through this all, but all I'm saying is I'm not having fun. I'm 18, I should be staying out late with my peers doing things that my parents wouldn't approve of. Or at least just socializing. Anything. I should be doing anything with anyone.
So I see that I have 3 options after this semester. I could stay here and hopefully make close friends and maybe have one of them move in with me. I could move back home and go to Las Po or Chabot and transfer to a UC after I figure out what I really want to do the rest of my life. Or I could move back home and transfer to Hayward State and continue with the state system. Only problem with that one is 1) I don't know if I could transfer mid year 2) would I graduate from there or transfer back to CSULB (they're the only State college other than Ponoma that offers Chemical Engineering) or try to transfer to a UC from a State University.
I hear I'm supposed to get on with my life though. That my life will never be like it was again. That scares me, because all I know is how I've lived.
College is great though.
I'm done now. I want to finish up with saying thanks to people who have visited me and all the kids that are coming next week. It's trips like that which keep me somewhat happy. I just wish it could be a vacation for me too.
So I see that I have 3 options after this semester. I could stay here and hopefully make close friends and maybe have one of them move in with me. I could move back home and go to Las Po or Chabot and transfer to a UC after I figure out what I really want to do the rest of my life. Or I could move back home and transfer to Hayward State and continue with the state system. Only problem with that one is 1) I don't know if I could transfer mid year 2) would I graduate from there or transfer back to CSULB (they're the only State college other than Ponoma that offers Chemical Engineering) or try to transfer to a UC from a State University.
I hear I'm supposed to get on with my life though. That my life will never be like it was again. That scares me, because all I know is how I've lived.
College is great though.
I'm done now. I want to finish up with saying thanks to people who have visited me and all the kids that are coming next week. It's trips like that which keep me somewhat happy. I just wish it could be a vacation for me too.