Christmas eve 23
I have so muh to do.
I just cleaned my oven which was a huge job and the best I can do is that it is better than it was......
I think that is how I am living life right now.
Its better than it was.
Is this enough?
Im still struggling emotionally. Struggling with people I love and their mental health as well as my own.
Its better than it was.
I feel really alone in my house yet I am barely by myself.
Im either at work or on an errand. Or sitting on the sofa staring into a void OR watching tv for way to long and sobbing at the storylines but barley sobbing about my own stuff.
Ive spent alot of years trying my very bestest to think about the positive. When I have a mountain of washing trying to be greatful that I have a washing machine or electric to run it, or clothes to wash. I'm finding it hard to do though.
I woke up to a shitty midnight rambling of my partners friend about how nobody told them they got fat and why is fat acceptable when its unhealthy. I spent an hour responding and overshared but deleted it before it got seen.
I'll probably say nothing...
They arent fat, middle adged pudge at the worst.
In my deleted, never to
be seen again, pouring my beart out message I said I am exhausted with it and I am.
I am in a place where I cant even try and lose weight. I actually dont care right in this moment how fat I am.
I dont really know what I want.
Someone to support me in the chaos of my life. Or just to be alone in it.
I am tired and fed up of my partners depression. Disconnected from them.
Tired of them walking around miserable as fuck. Tired of their angry look when I dare to ask for support.
Tired of my household members doing the bare fucking minimum in the house cause its unfair that another person might do a bit more.
Tired it falls on me to clean the oven, Tired it falls on me to clean the toilet and how nobody else cares if it stinks of strong, stagnent boy piss or has shit stains on.
Tired of being the only fucking one who empties the bathroom bin or changes the toilet roll when it is empty OR even puts the tube in tbe bin.
Tired of being greatful that they wash up or hap hazardly hang out out the washing to dry. Because thats them helping right?
Be greatful for what you do have they say, dont focus on the negatives.
My living room is a massive tip and I need to tidy it but know tomorrow it will be just as bad.
Everyone is lying in bed and my partner probably expecting me to slip back in and suck their cock because despite everything else I have to do I also need to put out whenever they want.
Even with chemical burns on my arm or oven grease smeared across my face.
I have zero sex drive though. It sort of goes when you spend so much time in chaos and trying to make it a bit smaller.
Im not looking forward to Christmas.
My mask is hard to put on at the moment.
I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone.
If Im going to feel alone I want to be on my own.
I just cleaned my oven which was a huge job and the best I can do is that it is better than it was......
I think that is how I am living life right now.
Its better than it was.
Is this enough?
Im still struggling emotionally. Struggling with people I love and their mental health as well as my own.
Its better than it was.
I feel really alone in my house yet I am barely by myself.
Im either at work or on an errand. Or sitting on the sofa staring into a void OR watching tv for way to long and sobbing at the storylines but barley sobbing about my own stuff.
Ive spent alot of years trying my very bestest to think about the positive. When I have a mountain of washing trying to be greatful that I have a washing machine or electric to run it, or clothes to wash. I'm finding it hard to do though.
I woke up to a shitty midnight rambling of my partners friend about how nobody told them they got fat and why is fat acceptable when its unhealthy. I spent an hour responding and overshared but deleted it before it got seen.
I'll probably say nothing...
They arent fat, middle adged pudge at the worst.
In my deleted, never to
be seen again, pouring my beart out message I said I am exhausted with it and I am.
I am in a place where I cant even try and lose weight. I actually dont care right in this moment how fat I am.
I dont really know what I want.
Someone to support me in the chaos of my life. Or just to be alone in it.
I am tired and fed up of my partners depression. Disconnected from them.
Tired of them walking around miserable as fuck. Tired of their angry look when I dare to ask for support.
Tired of my household members doing the bare fucking minimum in the house cause its unfair that another person might do a bit more.
Tired it falls on me to clean the oven, Tired it falls on me to clean the toilet and how nobody else cares if it stinks of strong, stagnent boy piss or has shit stains on.
Tired of being the only fucking one who empties the bathroom bin or changes the toilet roll when it is empty OR even puts the tube in tbe bin.
Tired of being greatful that they wash up or hap hazardly hang out out the washing to dry. Because thats them helping right?
Be greatful for what you do have they say, dont focus on the negatives.
My living room is a massive tip and I need to tidy it but know tomorrow it will be just as bad.
Everyone is lying in bed and my partner probably expecting me to slip back in and suck their cock because despite everything else I have to do I also need to put out whenever they want.
Even with chemical burns on my arm or oven grease smeared across my face.
I have zero sex drive though. It sort of goes when you spend so much time in chaos and trying to make it a bit smaller.
Im not looking forward to Christmas.
My mask is hard to put on at the moment.
I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone.
If Im going to feel alone I want to be on my own.