another day in the life of...
I've been going to therapy lately (and I actually haven't missed one session this time around... usually I would already be well on my way to flaking out) and learning a bit about myself. I don't think I'm growing because I'm not 100% willing to make the changes that I need to make to do so.
Phil and I have also been going to couples counseling which hasn't worked out very well so far...
I keep saying I don't want to be divorced but honestly it's probably something I need to do so that I can find out who I am and what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm co-dependant, meaning that I depend on Phil needing me to take care of him, even though it's my primary source of stress and frustration. I resent him for doing exactly what I've "trained" him to do. I've pretty much made it so he doesn't know how to take care of himself (pay bills, etc) because I've always done it before he even knew it needed to be done so he relies on me for that and when I actually need him to be the one to take care of me he can't because I've made him incappable of doing so.
Some twisted shit huh?
Anyways, I wish that I could be one of those 70 year old people sitting on the porch looking at grandkids and great-grankids talking about marrying my highschool sweetheart and living life together for 50+ years but honestly I don't feel that it's going to happen.
It depresses me because I feel like a failure. Like why did I start this if I can't see it through?
So that's what I've been dealing with lately. Dissapointment, depression, hopelessness and sometimes guilt because I feel so good when I do something for myself instead of taking care of someone else, and that's been more the exception than the rule for the past four years.
BTW, my wedding anniversary is tomorrow... lol. I'm sad, maybe Phil and I will have a good day together. All I can do is be positive about it.
Talk to you guys later.
Phil and I have also been going to couples counseling which hasn't worked out very well so far...
I keep saying I don't want to be divorced but honestly it's probably something I need to do so that I can find out who I am and what I'm going to do with my life.
I'm co-dependant, meaning that I depend on Phil needing me to take care of him, even though it's my primary source of stress and frustration. I resent him for doing exactly what I've "trained" him to do. I've pretty much made it so he doesn't know how to take care of himself (pay bills, etc) because I've always done it before he even knew it needed to be done so he relies on me for that and when I actually need him to be the one to take care of me he can't because I've made him incappable of doing so.
Some twisted shit huh?
Anyways, I wish that I could be one of those 70 year old people sitting on the porch looking at grandkids and great-grankids talking about marrying my highschool sweetheart and living life together for 50+ years but honestly I don't feel that it's going to happen.
It depresses me because I feel like a failure. Like why did I start this if I can't see it through?
So that's what I've been dealing with lately. Dissapointment, depression, hopelessness and sometimes guilt because I feel so good when I do something for myself instead of taking care of someone else, and that's been more the exception than the rule for the past four years.
BTW, my wedding anniversary is tomorrow... lol. I'm sad, maybe Phil and I will have a good day together. All I can do is be positive about it.
Talk to you guys later.