I don't know.
I'm supposed to be multitasking: memorizing terms for an ap gov quiz, making countless mixes, working on applications and organizing making senior tee shirts. but i'm not doing any of that, am i? i'm bad at doing things. i'm good at having intentions, making lists, planning to do things and thinking about doing things. for some reason, i just turn add when i have things to do. and it's always at the most crucial moments. i want nothing more than to be effectively studying government right now, or maybe finshed with that and working on my common app without the AIM window in the corner. But I can't. I'm physically not able to be productive. It hurts. It's very emotionally and physically painful. I'm so scared about my life right now.
What's going to happen to me?
I want to feel comfortable. I want my mind to stop for a minute. I want to become immune to tiredness so I can get everything done.
I'm afraid to start my applications because I am so insecure about my schools. I don't think I can get in anywhere. I need more safties. But I want to be happy. I just wish i had some insight- any- into what might become of my life. Instead, I'm just left crossing my fingers until April or May. And that's just sick. Plus, while I'm at it, high school sucks. My English teacher called me "embarrassing" and I'm already knee deep in procrastinated assigments and yearbook theme copy to write. Yeah,, and it's only the third day. Plus everyone loks tome to spontaneously plan social events (like making tee shirts?) and don't get me wrong, I love that. But it's a lot. It's all so much and I love all of it. And I don't know what to do. I wish I felt okay and my eyebrows weren't always wrinkled and my brain weren't always going to fast and I weren't always writing things in my day planner and I wish I weren't so confused and I wish our college counselors weren't so shitty and I could go farther on less sleep and I weren't so hung up on everything and little things like making people happy who wouldn't ever care about my happiness. And I wish I weren't so attached to CSSSA but if the possiblilty of being with Kyle and Emma and Jake is what I need to keep me working on college apps then by all means I suppose I'll keep talking to them but on the other hand... I'm such a mess, so maybe not. And e-mails from Emma make me cry. Even though they're hilarious. I want pictures from last weekend. I can't wait until Maritza puts them in the mail.
Senior year is equal parts good and bad. I hope it gets much better. I hope I can be as happy about it as other people are. I'm so glad I'm religious. Prayer makes me feel better, kinda. And Blonde Redhead. And compliments. Today I've had all three--- but I still feel like this. And "this" is something like being underwater while running and having people call out at you over and over and running but going deeper underwater and having the voices get louder and louder. Kind of. It kind of just feels like stress intermixed with nervous laughter and highlighed by "high school milestones" or that word that pretty much means Homecoming and Graduation. Or something.
I don't know. That's the worst part.
What's going to happen to me?
I want to feel comfortable. I want my mind to stop for a minute. I want to become immune to tiredness so I can get everything done.
I'm afraid to start my applications because I am so insecure about my schools. I don't think I can get in anywhere. I need more safties. But I want to be happy. I just wish i had some insight- any- into what might become of my life. Instead, I'm just left crossing my fingers until April or May. And that's just sick. Plus, while I'm at it, high school sucks. My English teacher called me "embarrassing" and I'm already knee deep in procrastinated assigments and yearbook theme copy to write. Yeah,, and it's only the third day. Plus everyone loks tome to spontaneously plan social events (like making tee shirts?) and don't get me wrong, I love that. But it's a lot. It's all so much and I love all of it. And I don't know what to do. I wish I felt okay and my eyebrows weren't always wrinkled and my brain weren't always going to fast and I weren't always writing things in my day planner and I wish I weren't so confused and I wish our college counselors weren't so shitty and I could go farther on less sleep and I weren't so hung up on everything and little things like making people happy who wouldn't ever care about my happiness. And I wish I weren't so attached to CSSSA but if the possiblilty of being with Kyle and Emma and Jake is what I need to keep me working on college apps then by all means I suppose I'll keep talking to them but on the other hand... I'm such a mess, so maybe not. And e-mails from Emma make me cry. Even though they're hilarious. I want pictures from last weekend. I can't wait until Maritza puts them in the mail.
Senior year is equal parts good and bad. I hope it gets much better. I hope I can be as happy about it as other people are. I'm so glad I'm religious. Prayer makes me feel better, kinda. And Blonde Redhead. And compliments. Today I've had all three--- but I still feel like this. And "this" is something like being underwater while running and having people call out at you over and over and running but going deeper underwater and having the voices get louder and louder. Kind of. It kind of just feels like stress intermixed with nervous laughter and highlighed by "high school milestones" or that word that pretty much means Homecoming and Graduation. Or something.
I don't know. That's the worst part.