On Zen Crafting :P
So this Zen thing has been on my mind a lot, I guess, and in fractured thoughts, which has made it hard to write about. It seems obvious that after a long period of living a fast-paced, highly scheduled, over committed lifestyle for several years, that you'd burn out or at least want to slow down for a bit. It made sense to choose this lifestyle as a transition period after my long term relationship broke down. I'd lost most of my friends and friendships, my recreational activities were what he had wanted to do and I had long term depression (and anxiety and OCD as a symptom from the first two) so I hadn't really been all that into leaving the house and going places to do things. To shake myself out of that funk and to try and build a new life, I took the philosophy that I would accept any and all social invites unless I was already busy for that timeslot. The idea was that I would meet new people and you never know who you might meet ...
And I did meet someone. Someone really special. And that has changed things for me.
I said before to a few people that before now, I didn't know what love was, and people don't really describe it well. The response to that was that love is different for everyone so how can anyone tell you what it will be. But I think maybe I didn't explain myself very well at the time. I'm quite a literal person and I think sometimes things get lost in the translation filter to my brain. So, people always say things like "love means compromising" and I always interpreted that to mean that it's ok to compromise who I am or what I want because it's for love or I'm in love or he says he loves me etc. Turns out that's not what the phrase means at all. I think the phrase means that love means you have to compromise what you expected it to be and by that I mean, I found love, real love, for the first time in my life, with a man 8 and a half years younger than me, not Jewish and in the Defence Force. Three aspects that I never considered would be right for me and it was that, the thinking what I needed, that needed to be compromised. Because nothing about what I have right now is a compromise in terms of who I am in this relationship.
And it feels odd, to be honest. And it feels odd that it feels odd to just be me. To be allowed to be me, just me, but all of me, with someone who likes me for who I am. And not just that, to be with someone who gets things about me before I even have to explain them. We fit together - and I never thought I would get to fit together with someone else. Someone who suggests we do something at the same time or just after I've thought the exact same thing. Sometimes without us ever having discussed opinions on it. And I keep wandering around wondering if I really get to have this. Like, surely, *I* don't get to be happy?
All this time, I thought there was something wrong with me or that I was being punished for something. I beat myself up. I hated myself. I tried to change and be something that maybe someone might like more than me. When, all this time, it was purely a matter of timing. We could never have met at any point before we met - cause, hello? he's eight and a half years younger than me! If you do the maths, it hurts your brain, I don't recommend it. But - there was nothing wrong with me at all.
So, I get to be happy? I'm still processing this. I get to be with someone who loves me how I am, who I am and what I look like. Just this way. I don't have to turn a little to the side or pretend I like [insert random shit I have no interest in] or just be more like [whatever]. I have someone who is smart and intelligent and gets my jokes and random references, no matter how random or mathematical or literary or whatever. I get to feel loved and cared for. I get to feel like I finally found home.
All this has changed my outlook. It's changed what I want to do and how I want to spend my time. It's made me reassess a lot of things. I want to have time to breathe. And take time to enjoy the moment. I got caught up in the means and forgot that there were ends - I no longer need to fill all my time with commitments. I don't want to. I want to have time to just enjoy life, and family and friends. So many things now seem so much a waste of time. My yoga teacher warned me this would happen too - this being able to watch things, observe how they might make you feel/react and then just move along without needing to engage. It's an odd feeling after being "passionate" for so long. And it's not even that I've lost my passion, it's more that I've realised how fractured and undirected it was.
So in this ramble, I tried to express where I am on this new journey. I'm going to learn how to breathe. And also, how to read a novel. And how to enjoy a hot cup of tea at sunrise. And ... I have a list of things. Of course I do. (First I shall deliver Swancon Thirty Six and two volumes of the Twelve Planets :D)
And I did meet someone. Someone really special. And that has changed things for me.
I said before to a few people that before now, I didn't know what love was, and people don't really describe it well. The response to that was that love is different for everyone so how can anyone tell you what it will be. But I think maybe I didn't explain myself very well at the time. I'm quite a literal person and I think sometimes things get lost in the translation filter to my brain. So, people always say things like "love means compromising" and I always interpreted that to mean that it's ok to compromise who I am or what I want because it's for love or I'm in love or he says he loves me etc. Turns out that's not what the phrase means at all. I think the phrase means that love means you have to compromise what you expected it to be and by that I mean, I found love, real love, for the first time in my life, with a man 8 and a half years younger than me, not Jewish and in the Defence Force. Three aspects that I never considered would be right for me and it was that, the thinking what I needed, that needed to be compromised. Because nothing about what I have right now is a compromise in terms of who I am in this relationship.
And it feels odd, to be honest. And it feels odd that it feels odd to just be me. To be allowed to be me, just me, but all of me, with someone who likes me for who I am. And not just that, to be with someone who gets things about me before I even have to explain them. We fit together - and I never thought I would get to fit together with someone else. Someone who suggests we do something at the same time or just after I've thought the exact same thing. Sometimes without us ever having discussed opinions on it. And I keep wandering around wondering if I really get to have this. Like, surely, *I* don't get to be happy?
All this time, I thought there was something wrong with me or that I was being punished for something. I beat myself up. I hated myself. I tried to change and be something that maybe someone might like more than me. When, all this time, it was purely a matter of timing. We could never have met at any point before we met - cause, hello? he's eight and a half years younger than me! If you do the maths, it hurts your brain, I don't recommend it. But - there was nothing wrong with me at all.
So, I get to be happy? I'm still processing this. I get to be with someone who loves me how I am, who I am and what I look like. Just this way. I don't have to turn a little to the side or pretend I like [insert random shit I have no interest in] or just be more like [whatever]. I have someone who is smart and intelligent and gets my jokes and random references, no matter how random or mathematical or literary or whatever. I get to feel loved and cared for. I get to feel like I finally found home.
All this has changed my outlook. It's changed what I want to do and how I want to spend my time. It's made me reassess a lot of things. I want to have time to breathe. And take time to enjoy the moment. I got caught up in the means and forgot that there were ends - I no longer need to fill all my time with commitments. I don't want to. I want to have time to just enjoy life, and family and friends. So many things now seem so much a waste of time. My yoga teacher warned me this would happen too - this being able to watch things, observe how they might make you feel/react and then just move along without needing to engage. It's an odd feeling after being "passionate" for so long. And it's not even that I've lost my passion, it's more that I've realised how fractured and undirected it was.
So in this ramble, I tried to express where I am on this new journey. I'm going to learn how to breathe. And also, how to read a novel. And how to enjoy a hot cup of tea at sunrise. And ... I have a list of things. Of course I do. (First I shall deliver Swancon Thirty Six and two volumes of the Twelve Planets :D)