Surreality - will the real girlie jones please stand up?
A lot of people keep asking me how I am or how I am feeling. And I know it's cause they care, and they want to know that I feel better. I'm not really sure how to answer them though. It's not like I have an infection and I just need to put the ointment on three times a day and all will be good.
I feel better, and that's what I say. I do feel better from the low of Saturday. Today especially, I would call myself functioning. And my brain seems to have cleared a lot and I have been able to be very focussed on things today. Today would be the first day that I have been able to be detail-oriented again and I seem to have churned through a lot of work. And that feels good.
But I'm left with this after taste, I guess is the best way to describe it. Now that my head is clearing and I am starting to be able to not only approach work but start to get on top of a few things, I am starting to build momentum to get on top of a few more. My desk at work looks less like a bomb has hit it and my email inbox is slowing ticking down. And that in itself makes me feel better. And so I am partially left wondering if what I experienced was more like burn out than anything else. Did things just get on top of me Thurs/Fri and instead of being able to use all my techniques for dealing with lots of balls in the air, did I run out of steam, was I too tired after two weeks of late nights working, did I just have nothing left in the tank? Tears and tantrums and grumpiness surely are the next logical outcome.
Is this just a passing feeling and with more sleep, better diet, more exercise, hugs and the meeting of a few deadlines, will I feel more back to me?
The question I really have though, is - which is me? Will the real girlie jones please stand up? I was so absolutely happy with my life and how things were going up to last week. I genuinely was content and rolling along thinking life was awesome. Now, I can't even remember what that feeling feels like. Which is real? Which is the transitory emotion? If my happiness is so fleeting, was it really real in the first place? Did I only think it was real? Or ... is this feeling the one that is transitory? And how do I know? How can I tell the difference? Am I the butterfly or the philosopher dreaming of the butterfly?
I'm definitely all discombobulated.
My internal barometer is out of order and I have lost my sense of perspective. I *think*. Though maybe now I have it back and it was lost before? It's a funny thing for the general state of your brain to just .. wig out.
I feel better, and that's what I say. I do feel better from the low of Saturday. Today especially, I would call myself functioning. And my brain seems to have cleared a lot and I have been able to be very focussed on things today. Today would be the first day that I have been able to be detail-oriented again and I seem to have churned through a lot of work. And that feels good.
But I'm left with this after taste, I guess is the best way to describe it. Now that my head is clearing and I am starting to be able to not only approach work but start to get on top of a few things, I am starting to build momentum to get on top of a few more. My desk at work looks less like a bomb has hit it and my email inbox is slowing ticking down. And that in itself makes me feel better. And so I am partially left wondering if what I experienced was more like burn out than anything else. Did things just get on top of me Thurs/Fri and instead of being able to use all my techniques for dealing with lots of balls in the air, did I run out of steam, was I too tired after two weeks of late nights working, did I just have nothing left in the tank? Tears and tantrums and grumpiness surely are the next logical outcome.
Is this just a passing feeling and with more sleep, better diet, more exercise, hugs and the meeting of a few deadlines, will I feel more back to me?
The question I really have though, is - which is me? Will the real girlie jones please stand up? I was so absolutely happy with my life and how things were going up to last week. I genuinely was content and rolling along thinking life was awesome. Now, I can't even remember what that feeling feels like. Which is real? Which is the transitory emotion? If my happiness is so fleeting, was it really real in the first place? Did I only think it was real? Or ... is this feeling the one that is transitory? And how do I know? How can I tell the difference? Am I the butterfly or the philosopher dreaming of the butterfly?
I'm definitely all discombobulated.
My internal barometer is out of order and I have lost my sense of perspective. I *think*. Though maybe now I have it back and it was lost before? It's a funny thing for the general state of your brain to just .. wig out.