"It really just tears you down"
"And how do you build yourself up?"
"I don't know, I feel like I have been lost for the last two years."
- a coversation I had with a friend who went through an extreme training program, which like my grad. experience involved internships and being torn down.
Sometimes I think all this anxiety I have been having is due to a year of internships where I torn down. Internships where I was micromanaged, where my decision for entering grad. school was questioned, where I made to feel crazy for doing things (that I thought I was being told to do), where I was criticized, where I lacked affirmation, where I felt less than... That's HUGE. This is why I continuously doubt my abilities, my interactions, and am dissatisfied any success that I achieve. It's like I am trying to prove myself to someone or something. How do you build yourself up after something like that? How do you change the tape in your head that feeds you negative messages from the past. And THIS, despite a family, community, and husband that is loving and affirming. I can't imagine where I would be without these things.
-------------
Sprout Fund today was pretty good, although I was frustrated with some aspects of it. For one there was no coffee or muffins and I had missed these things this morning, after a night of key lime martinis at Paul and Sharon's. It was a bad feeling in the tummy. The other thing I didn't like was that there was no chance to network throughout the day. We jumped right into brainstorming activities without learning the names of others in the group. There were so many young people there I had never seen before. I would have like to get to know more people. I hung out with this girl Nina the whole day though, who was really great. She is a CMU student doing a design of Brighton Rd. for one of her projects.
--------------
Had a fabulous time last night eating cheese, crackers, talkings, drinking key lime martinis, eating grilled veggies and corn on the cob, and rasberry pie, and then playing Outburst with Gavin, Paul, Sharon, Sarah, Zach, her parents, and their friend. Stayed up late though, and Gav even later (he went to Washington, PA to see Andrew's house). Then he opened and is closing Beleza tonight. He won his soccer game though!!
--------------
All for now. Love, Jo
"I don't know, I feel like I have been lost for the last two years."
- a coversation I had with a friend who went through an extreme training program, which like my grad. experience involved internships and being torn down.
Sometimes I think all this anxiety I have been having is due to a year of internships where I torn down. Internships where I was micromanaged, where my decision for entering grad. school was questioned, where I made to feel crazy for doing things (that I thought I was being told to do), where I was criticized, where I lacked affirmation, where I felt less than... That's HUGE. This is why I continuously doubt my abilities, my interactions, and am dissatisfied any success that I achieve. It's like I am trying to prove myself to someone or something. How do you build yourself up after something like that? How do you change the tape in your head that feeds you negative messages from the past. And THIS, despite a family, community, and husband that is loving and affirming. I can't imagine where I would be without these things.
-------------
Sprout Fund today was pretty good, although I was frustrated with some aspects of it. For one there was no coffee or muffins and I had missed these things this morning, after a night of key lime martinis at Paul and Sharon's. It was a bad feeling in the tummy. The other thing I didn't like was that there was no chance to network throughout the day. We jumped right into brainstorming activities without learning the names of others in the group. There were so many young people there I had never seen before. I would have like to get to know more people. I hung out with this girl Nina the whole day though, who was really great. She is a CMU student doing a design of Brighton Rd. for one of her projects.
--------------
Had a fabulous time last night eating cheese, crackers, talkings, drinking key lime martinis, eating grilled veggies and corn on the cob, and rasberry pie, and then playing Outburst with Gavin, Paul, Sharon, Sarah, Zach, her parents, and their friend. Stayed up late though, and Gav even later (he went to Washington, PA to see Andrew's house). Then he opened and is closing Beleza tonight. He won his soccer game though!!
--------------
All for now. Love, Jo