What's Left of Us: Chapter Four
Master Post // Announcements
Back to Chapter Three
Title: What’s Left of Us
Author: girlgotagun
Primary Pairing: Jensen/Jared - J2
Secondary Pairings: Jensen/Danneel, Danneel/OMC, Milo/Gen (romantic)
Rating: NC-17
Chapter Four: Uphill Both Ways
. rebuild .
On Sunday, Jensen was a wreck. He had barely slept, tossing and turning when he finally did nod off and getting up at odd intervals to check on Emily, Jared, Milo, Andrew, and Gen. Danneel’s departure from the pack had left him raw and chafed, and he kept expecting them to be gone when he went into their rooms.
He laid in bed for an hour after waking, watching the minutes flit by on the digital clock on his nightstand. He didn’t want to get up; he wanted to just stay there and mourn the loss of his mate. But he couldn’t do that. Couldn’t do it, because the whole point was that he had to be the Alpha of the house, had to regain control of the pack. He needed to finally put his foot down about Jared’s hoarding, clean out the nest. He needed to finally put his foot down about Gen going to the training center the next day. Jared, too, and Milo. He needed to figure out what to do about childcare for Emily while he was at work and the omegas were at the training center. Maybe enroll her in the same place as Andrew. He needed to make an appointment for Milo to see a doctor-he had pretty serious doubts that he had been to one since the initial liberation, and something was off with the omega, probably as a result of the spay. He needed to file his official revocation of claim on Danneel, since he had legally claimed her and registered them as pack. He needed to find a real estate agent because the house was too fucking small for all of the pain it was trying to hold. He needed to get Jared used to the idea that once they found one, Andrew would need to start sleeping on his own.
He needed to do all of it. He didn’t want to deal with any of it. And as soon as he got out of bed, he’d have to be Alpha.
He heard the television come on downstairs, the upbeat music of a children’s show filtering through his bedroom door, permanently ajar until he fixed the hinges. Gen was up, and that meant that Emily was up. Jared would stay in the nest all day if he was allowed to, but Milo and Andrew would probably be moving around soon.
He had to get up. They had to start moving forward today. They had been stagnant for two months, and it was time, whether he felt like he had been ripped open and left to bleed out or not.
With what felt like a tremendous amount of effort, he hoisted himself out of bed.
. rebuild .
Milo and Gen were both in the kitchen with Emily, Gen cooking eggs and bacon while Milo read the paper.
“The state of our economy, I’m tellin’ ya. Must be all those unruly omegas they cut loose.” He wiggled his eyebrows at Gen and she laughed.
“Well you know, we did single-handedly wreck the economy a few decades ago. If they’re not careful all half a million of us will bring the country to its knees.”
After the final purge of the camps, Chad’s estimated living omega numbers had been reduced by seventy-five percent. It was a bitter pill to swallow, and there was something sharp in the omegas’ voices even as they joked. They fell silent as they became aware of Jensen, both of their eyes casting down. Milo sipped his coffee as Jensen walked over and kissed Emily on the top of the head before going to the cabinet and pulling out a coffee mug of his own. Milo saw the Alpha freeze, eyeing the mug, and then he took a second one out of the cabinet before turning and tossing the first one into the trash can.
“What’d the mug do to make you toss it?” The implication in Milo’s tone was clear and he saw the Alpha bristle, smelled the spike of anger. But since the spay, scent hadn’t affected him as strongly, and he maintained eye contact. He wasn’t going to act like he thought what Jensen had done was okay. “Carrying another Alpha’s coffee?”
Jensen crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter, studying the surly omega. “It was made in ill-one. Any time I find something in the house with a camp stamp on it, I toss it out. Now do you have something smart to say to that or are you ready to step the fuck down?”
Milo smirked. “Yeah. We’re all stamped by the camps.” He pulled his collar to the side to show his number. “How long until you toss us like you did Danneel?”
Jensen was moving before Milo realized it, and he was nearly on him before Milo dug his feet in, pushing his chair back from the table as he tried to scamper back and out of range. His hindbrain was screaming at him as the Alpha’s scent climbed, hitting alarming levels. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Gen hit the floor, heard the whimper she let out.
Jensen heaved Milo up by the collar of his shirt and slammed him into the wall with a loud thump. He held him there with pressure to his chest although his fingers itched to close around the omega’s neck. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again. Danneel was my mate. It hurt like hell to let her go but she asked and I did what was best for the pack. I will always do what’s best for the pack, and don’t you ever open that smart mouth to suggest otherwise again.”
The scent finally became too much and Milo whimpered, going lax in the Alpha’s grip. Jensen held him there until the omega tilted his head, exposing his neck, and then let him go, stalking back to the counter to fill his coffee cup.
He breathed in the smell of Gen’s fear and sighed as he reached over to turn off the stove, removing the now-overcooked eggs from the burner. He wanted to apologize to her for catching her in the crossfire, but in pack moments like that were used as reinforcement for the uninvolved members, and he knew he couldn’t do it. Instead, he didn’t look at her as she slowly regained control of her body and pulled herself off of the floor. He could offer her that dignity, at least.
Jensen took a drink of his coffee as he left the kitchen, casting one last hard look at Milo, who didn’t meet his eyes. He headed for the stairs, trying to calm his temper before he reached Jared and Andrew’s room. It was going to be a long morning.
. rebuild .
Jared’s room was hot, as usual. Jensen wasn’t sure how he and the pup managed to breathe properly half of the time. But it had never been a problem, so he hadn’t bothered to stop it.
But he was seeing now that just because something wasn’t causing a problem didn’t mean it was a good thing. Allowing Jared to adjust to the damage of the camp just let him live with it; it didn’t help him heal. Making provisions for the possibility of cold and hunger and violence only let him continue to believe that he may experience cold or hunger or violence.
Jensen went around the room and turned off the space heaters, taking one last drink of coffee before sitting the mug on the dresser and beginning to unplug the heaters. He would store them away. Even with the AC on, it was sixty-five degrees in the house, and there was no need for them.
“Get up, Jared.” He kept his voice firm. He wasn’t going into the nest after Jared. The omega was going to come out, was going to start rejoining the world. Jensen saw the blankets shift but Jared didn’t emerge. “Now.”
Something smelled like rotting meat, and he sighed. This had gone too far.
“It’s Sunday, Jensen. We don’t have to be anywhere today.” The omega’s voice was muffled by the nest but sharp.
“Doesn’t matter. It’s not good for you to stay in bed all day. And it’s not good for Andrew.”
There was a pause as Jared seemed to consider this. “I don’t stop Andrew from leaving the nest.”
Jensen gritted his teeth. “Dammit, Jared, I’m not arguing with you. Get your ass out of the nest, get in the shower, and then come downstairs. I’m going to go over the plan for this week with everyone.”
Another pause, and then the blankets parted and Jared sat up, his eyes pleading. “I don’t get what the big deal is. It’s not like I’m in danger if I stay in here.”
“You’re not in danger if you don’t. That’s the problem. You’re using the nest as a security blanket and it’s not helping you cope; you’re protecting yourself against threats that don’t exist when you should be trusting me to keep you safe. Plus, this whole thing is becoming unsanitary. Now go shower.” Jensen stared the omega down until he dropped his head, shoulders slumping. After a moment he began to move, climbing out of the nest and heading for the bathroom.
Jensen started taking apart the nest, pulling a blanket from the pile and shaking it out, sighing when two stale rolls from Thursday’s dinner fell out. “Dammit, Jared.” The curse was muttered under his breath. His eyes raked through the nest until he found Andrew’s foot peeking out. He tapped it, smiling when it tickled the pup and he shrieked. “Up and at ‘em, Andrew. Gen’s making breakfast.”
He watched as Andrew disentangled himself from the blankets around him and then ran from the room, his clumsy footsteps thumping on the stairs.
By the time he heard the shower turn off, Jensen had shaken out the whole nest and bagged up all of the food he had found. He stripped the bed and used the sheets to bundle up the mass of blankets and clothing and started to haul it all to the laundry room, ignoring the whimper he heard issue from Jared’s open door as he reached the stairs.
. rebuild .
Jensen crammed as much of the nest into the washer as he could and then went back upstairs to get dressed for the day. When he opened his closet it was a moment before he registered what he was seeing. When it finally did, it made something else click in his mind and he turned slowly to look at his bed. It was completely stripped, down to the mattress. The sheets, blankets, and even the pillows and mattress pad were nowhere to be found. He turned back to his closet. It was completely empty.
Hardly believing what he was seeing, he went across the hall to Gen’s room, and then next to it to Emily’s room. Both of the beds had been stripped.
“Goddammit, Jared!” The frustrated roar was loud, and as he reached the omega’s room, he could smell the panic seeping from under the door. He twisted the knob. It was locked. “Fucking-Jared, open the door!” No answer came from behind the door, and Jensen cursed again, trying to remember what he had done with the stupid little tool that came with the interior locks, used to pop the push-button lock from the outside. He had put them away somewhere when Emily started walking and exploring, worried that she’d swallow it, and now he couldn’t remember where. It hadn’t been an issue until now.
It finally occurred to him to use the adjoining door that connected Jared’s room to Gen’s through the bathroom, and he circled around, hoping that the same idea hadn’t occurred to Jared. It hadn’t. As Jensen opened the door, heat met him. Jared had found the heaters and plugged them back up. How had the omega worked so fast?
He started digging through the nest, sifting through piles of his shirts and jackets and pants and Jen’s tank tops and jeans and Emily’s Princess Sophia sheet set until his hand closed around Jared’s arm. He strengthened his grasp and pulled, heaving Jared out of the mass and pulling him tight to his chest, feet barely touching the floor.
“It’s not hurting anything Jensen it’s instinct I don’t know why you can’t just let me do it please it’s important you can’t just take it-” The omega was babbling, panic rushing off of him in waves so strong that Jensen thought he could almost actually see them.
“Shh, Jared, it’s okay.” He held Jared tight, turning and heading back through the bathroom and then through Gen’s room to the hallway. He had to get him away from the nest, away from his own room.
He carried the omega to his room and hoisted him up to deposit him onto the bed before climbing on himself. Jared started thrashing, fingers digging into the bare mattress as he scrambled for purchase. Jensen wrapped an arm around his chest, pulling the omega against him, back-to-chest, and hooked his legs over Jared’s to hold him still.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll be good, just don’t don’t don’t please-” The quick flow of words and the odd repetition from Jared in his panic made it hard for Jensen to keep up.
He sighed when it finally connected. “Christ, Jared, I’m not going to claim you to punish you. Just breathe.” He concentrated on his scent, trying to bring the omega down from his panic. “Breathe deep, Jared. You’re okay, I swear it. Nothing’s going to hurt you. Just calm down and breathe.”
It took nearly twenty minutes before Jared stopped pleading and making the odd desperate bid for escape, another ten for his breathing to even out and his scent to hit baseline. Jensen was exhausted by the time it was over, his head resting against the nape of Jared’s neck, concentrating hard on keeping his own breathing even.
“You don’t need the nest, Jared.” He muttered after the omega had been calm for a few minutes, his scent showing no sign of the panic climbing again. “You need to see that you’re safe here. I’m not gonna let anything hurt you or the others. I’m your Alpha, and I’m gonna do whatever it takes to keep you safe. You need to learn to trust me, not a nest or a stockpile of old food. I’m not gonna let you or anyone else in this pack be cold or hungry or hurt.”
Jared didn’t answer, but he stayed calm. Jensen breathed a sigh of relief. His head was pounding as he looked at the clock. It was still only ten in the morning. He already felt like he had gone through an entire day’s worth of crap, and it was just beginning.
He slowly moved away from Jared, stretching out his muscles, tight from holding the same position for so long. “I’ve gotta go get dressed, and all of my clothes are piled on your bed now. After we go over this week’s schedule, you’re going to help me put everything back where it goes.” He kept his voice firm but soft. “For now, go downstair with the others and wait for me.”
Jared nodded, eyes downcast as he started to move. Jensen watching him go, making sure he went down the stairs before returning to the new nest and digging out a pair of jeans, underwear, and a tee shirt.
At least there hadn’t been time for Jared to add any food to the mess.
. rebuild .
Jensen flipped through his day planner, frowning. Back when he was working more regularly, he had had an assistant for this stuff, and a lot less need for one. He was developing a new sense of respect for the man; it sure as shit wasn’t easy.
“Okay. So Tuesday and Thursday I have to work in the afternoon, and on Wednesday I have auditions lined up for a few parts. Monday we’re going for the three of you to take your written tests for your leaner’s permits, and from there we’re going to register you at the work training center.” He wrote it in, his nostrils flaring slightly as he picked up the scent of irritation from Gen. “Problem?”
“I’m not going to the stupid training center.” She folded her arms over her chest and slumped down in her seat. “It’s run by Alphas, and I’m not exactly eager to be worked nearly to death by a bunch of knotheads. Again.”
Jensen frowned. “Who told you the training center is run by Alphas?”
Gen looked at Milo. The omega shrugged. “The one in Arizona was.”
“Well, the one here in Dallas is run by betas. I checked.” Jensen flipped to the next day in the planner. “Tuesday and Wednesday you’ll be there as well. I’ll drop you off after we take Andrew and Emily to daycare and pick you up at the end of the day. Thursday Jared has a doctor’s appointment.” He frowned. “The appointment is at one and my interview is at three. So you’ll have to go with me and miss job training that day.” He glanced at Jared and the omega nodded.
“Can we all miss job training that day?” Gen looked hopeful.
“No.” Jensen moved on, not bothering to humor her. “Friday I’ll take you guys to the training center, and then I’ll be meeting with a realtor.”
“A realtor?” Jared looked confused.
“The house is too small. When Danneel and I bought it, we had just had found out that she was carrying Emily and we planned on maybe one more pup after her. Now we’ve got two pups and four pack members. Milo, Jared, and Andrew are sharing a room. We need more space.”
“I like sharing a room with Andrew.” Anxiety peaked in Jared’s scent.
Jensen sighed. “I know. But it’s not good for him. He needs to be raised neutrally.”
“Oh, that is such bullshit.” Milo scoffed. Jensen narrowed his eyes and Milo looked down, the memory of that morning still fresh.
“What does that even mean?” Jared asked.
It was Gen who answered. “It means that until we know his status, we can’t coddle him like we would an omega, because he might end up too soft and be weak as an Alpha.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s traditionalist pack doctrine.”
Jared turned hurt-filled eyes on Jensen. “You want me to abandon our five-year-old so that he can be tough if he presents as an Alpha over ten years from now?”
“Christ, Jared, no one’s talking about abandoning Andrew. He just needs to learn to self-soothe.” Jensen glared at Gen. “I get that you have some beef with traditionalist packs, but don’t scare him like that. I’m from a traditional pack, there’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Yeah, cause you are the poster child for well-adjusted and nurturing.” Milo nodded amicably.
“That reminds me. I’m making an appointment for you to see a doctor. The pack GP and a psychiatrist.” Jensen wrote it down in the planner with the long list of people he needed to call that week.
Milo stood up, his expression offended. “What, because I don’t agree with you I’m insane?”
“No.” Jensen refused to let the omega bait him or over-simplify the problem. “Because you’ve been spayed, I’m concerned about your hormones and your ability to react appropriately to your fellow pack member’s biological cues, as well as concerned that such a traumatic experience has done long-term damage. Now sit down and stop arguing with everything I say.”
“Look, fine, I get that. But in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not shy about how I’m feeling. No need to pay some degree-weilding hack to listen to it. Besides, I’ve always been like this. It’s part of my natural charm.” Milo shrugged, a cocky grin on his face. He looked to Jared for support. “Right, Jay?”
“Milo…” Jared looked pained as he was caught between his Alpha and his friend. “You’re not the same. You’re like someone pretending to be Milo. And I’m worried about you, man.”
Milo’s eyes flashed with anger. “God, you are still just as desperate for his approval as you were when we were nineteen, aren’t you?”
Before Jensen could jump in Milo pushed his seat back from the table and stormed off. The front door slammed a few moments later, and Jensen was about to get up and bring Milo back when Jared’s scent reached him. It was potent, a heady mix of anxiety and all-consuming despair as the omega slumped down in his seat. Gen reached out to touch him.
“Don’t.” The command was sharp and Gen withdrew her hand as though afraid of being burned. Jensen stood up and shut the planner. “Come on, Jared. I need to talk to you.”
He led the way up the stairs, listening to Jared’s slow footsteps behind him before turning into his bedroom and sitting on the bed. When Jared reached the door he paused and Jensen beckoned him in, reaching out when the omega reached him and pulling him down to the mattress, wrapping his body around him back-to-chest again. He was going to do it every time the omega was upset, until he started to associate Jensen with comfort instead of his nest.
“Look, Milo’s really hurt, alright?” Jensen’s voice was low as he spoke. “What happened to all of you was awful, and you all need to heal from it, but what they were doing in AZ-24 was a whole new level of cruel. When they cut out his womb, they took part of what made him who he was, and it’s gonna have huge effects on his actions. That’s why I’m trying to get him help instead of making him leave. What he said to you isn’t okay, but don’t let it get to you. It’s his burden from the camps, not anything that you did.”
“But he’s right.” Jared’s words were barely audible. “I wasn’t anything more than a hook-up that came back to haunt you now I’m here and I cost you your mate and I just keep ruining everything but I don’t want you to hate me and now he thinks that I’m choosing you over him and…” Jared shook his head.
It took Jensen’s mind a second to pick apart what he had just said. Jared really needed to work on slowing down when he was upset. “God, Jared, you didn’t… What happened with Danneel wasn’t because of you.”
“If I didn’t want you, she wouldn’t have felt like she was losing you.”
Jensen closed his eyes, grief rushing through him for a moment before he managed to force it back down. He concentrated on keeping his breathing even, his scent clear as he held the omega tight.
He listened for the sound of the door opening, but it never came. Milo didn’t seem to be in any hurry to come back.
He was so absorbed in the issues with Milo and Danneel and Jared that it didn't really hit him until later what Jared had actually said. He had heard the words, but hadn't spared them much thought.
Jared still wanted him.
Continue to Chapter Four