i'm not crazy, really

Nov 18, 2003 14:54

i'm not beautiful. i wish people would stop with that. i look into the mirror. hello, darkness. the reflection staring back to me is deceiving but i've got everybody fooled. they think i have it together and it makes me laugh. some girl asked me today how i got motivation. motivation? is that what they're calling it these days? i call it surviving. i overcommit to everything to stay on the edges of...oh what's the word? oh, yes, sanity. that's a funny little word that means nothing because nobody has it but everybody likes to pretend from time to time that they know how to function. "do i terrify?" - sylvia plath.
it's so sweet how she offers protection. so sweet that it breaks my heart that i have to tell her the truth. the truth of the matter is that she can't. this is hard to accept, for me to accept. i do want it but in winter i'm somebody else. SOMETHING HAS STOLEN MY LIFE!
a friend of mine once told me that i was tragic. i laughed. then i cried. oh, god- not me, too! sylvia plath keeps coming up in my mind. lady lazarus. i love that poem.
this story is wearing me down today. i am tired. i am tired. i am tired of the unformed sentences, the string of words the heart heavy as a lead-weight.
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