(no subject)
september 12th, 12:39am: "you know what i'm really scared of. is that i love... you. i want you to come home. then we should go to vegas n get married i mean it. there really is no excuse baby beautiful. i love you. then let's do it. either way we have the same shot as everyone else right. come home i'll support you. for real on the real. let's do it. right now let's do it. i mean it. for real i'll marry your bratty ass right now. no we should get married. for real for real for real for real. you know i'm right. baby come home to me. i love you"
a few days later i wrote..
he told me he loved me and flew me back (you can never go home again). now i know i'm here when i shouldn't be.. he doesn't love me. love doesn't cause a constant build up of tears, awkward silences, closed ears. it's not supposed to bring headaches, head pounding from too much screaming... it's supposed to bring rapid heart beating. not a begging, a one-sided pleading. i shouldn't have to be screaming "why don't you care." i should be hearing, "i'm glad you're here.. you didn't belong there." and someone in love with me should point to his heart and say, "this is yours" but of course it didn't happen that way. and love, someone in love shouldn't be able to say "i could find another you, replace you the next day." yes, love is blind but it can see what it has in front of its eyes - if it was love, he would see everything i feel inside, and then we would know that i kind of die everytime he mentions her again and i remember the lies.. then i remember his wrongs and they hurt me more than the twists of his tongue that send out messages of "you're not good enough, you don't belong." HE'S WRONG! and i know all i'm saying is true so i want to be done but i can't, you would understand too if he ever looked at you the way he once in a while looks at me, as if he sees... but i guess he forgets again a little later. and when it's bad i try to tell myself it'll get better (it always does) and i try to remember all the good things about us. like how there used to be trust and yes, there's still lust but it's supposed to be LOVE OR BUST. (me and him, we're a must). if he only really knew how much i care - how my eyes don't see clear, my head gets cloudy, i can't sleep, can't think when he's not near. how when he's not here it's all tears. and beers to keep away the fears. what i'm saying is, he is my gears. he makes me turn, makes me yearn, my heart burns, my stomach churns.. and then i get a litle concerned: are my feelings too strong? are they wrong? are they returned or should i just learn how to be me (singular). would that be easy? i don't know but my stomach's queasy.. shh, i'm a little drunk.. and my heads spinning but i feel like my heart's winning whenever i'm around him."
on the 21st (the last day of summer), he broke my heart.
my heart my heart my heart.. i don't think it will ever be able to start, again.
a few days later i wrote..
he told me he loved me and flew me back (you can never go home again). now i know i'm here when i shouldn't be.. he doesn't love me. love doesn't cause a constant build up of tears, awkward silences, closed ears. it's not supposed to bring headaches, head pounding from too much screaming... it's supposed to bring rapid heart beating. not a begging, a one-sided pleading. i shouldn't have to be screaming "why don't you care." i should be hearing, "i'm glad you're here.. you didn't belong there." and someone in love with me should point to his heart and say, "this is yours" but of course it didn't happen that way. and love, someone in love shouldn't be able to say "i could find another you, replace you the next day." yes, love is blind but it can see what it has in front of its eyes - if it was love, he would see everything i feel inside, and then we would know that i kind of die everytime he mentions her again and i remember the lies.. then i remember his wrongs and they hurt me more than the twists of his tongue that send out messages of "you're not good enough, you don't belong." HE'S WRONG! and i know all i'm saying is true so i want to be done but i can't, you would understand too if he ever looked at you the way he once in a while looks at me, as if he sees... but i guess he forgets again a little later. and when it's bad i try to tell myself it'll get better (it always does) and i try to remember all the good things about us. like how there used to be trust and yes, there's still lust but it's supposed to be LOVE OR BUST. (me and him, we're a must). if he only really knew how much i care - how my eyes don't see clear, my head gets cloudy, i can't sleep, can't think when he's not near. how when he's not here it's all tears. and beers to keep away the fears. what i'm saying is, he is my gears. he makes me turn, makes me yearn, my heart burns, my stomach churns.. and then i get a litle concerned: are my feelings too strong? are they wrong? are they returned or should i just learn how to be me (singular). would that be easy? i don't know but my stomach's queasy.. shh, i'm a little drunk.. and my heads spinning but i feel like my heart's winning whenever i'm around him."
on the 21st (the last day of summer), he broke my heart.
my heart my heart my heart.. i don't think it will ever be able to start, again.