Fic Challenge
"It's really good but I feel guilty, like I've been touching the contents of Julian Barratt's fridge."-Russell Brand
This is not real. Only in my head.
Pairing : Russell/Noel
The Lizard, the Fridge and the Wardrobe
Wednesday night.
“So. The goth detectives.”
Russell put his glass back on the living room-table and tried to get to the point. They had been in Noel’s flat for about two hours now, to come up with material for the Teenage Cancer Trust gig, but that time had been spent with gossiping, talking about shops and Noel running around the flat showing Russell various types of ‘cool things’ and ‘great stuff’ he had collected there.
Noel sat down in the sofa across of Russell and tried to get concentrated. “Goth detectives, right. Let’s see.”
There was a long pause.
“What are you thinking of?” Noel asked his fellow comedian.
“To be honest ?” Russell smiled a little ashamed, “I was wondering what to wear.”
“I don’t see that working very well … just us standing on the stage talking about our outfits for two hours ? Now, *I* would love that, but there’s an audience to think about.”
“No, I was also really wondering… I don’t have anything ‘gothic gothic’ in my wardrobe. That’s just skinny jeans and shirts, you know.”
“Me neither,” Noel said, “I’d have to shift through our Boosh-gear to find a costume. I’m not really a goth. The only thing remotely gothic about me is my eyeliner.”
“Oh Noel, Noel,” Russell sighed, “what did we get ourselves into ? My knowledge of everything goth starts and ends with the Cure.”
“Hey, you could wear Julian’s gothic outfit from the television series, we still have that,” Noel kept thinking further, “when he was ‘Howard, Dark Side of the Moon’. I still love that line,” he chuckled.
Russell leered at him. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Me, dressing up as Julian, frolicking about on stage ? Giving you the cuddles and the kisses you always wanted him to give you?”
Noel threw a pillow at Russell’s head, making him shout: “Oi! Watch the hair!”
“Cut it out, you nonce. I can’t help it you’re too big to get in *my* clothes.”
“I can fit in your clothes perfectly!”
“No, you can’t. I’m very much skinnier than you.”
“Are you calling me fat, Fielding ?”
“No, but,” Noel paused, “Yes.”
This time he got a pillow aimed in his direction. “I can wear your clothes and I shall prove it to you!” Russell exclaimed. “Towards the wardrobe!”
He got up and walked into Noel’s bedroom, a rather messy place, clothes spread out all over the room. Russell swung open a door of the big cupboard on the end of the room and started shifting through the pairs of trousers. After throwing a few of them on the ground, he picked up a pair and held them up, then turned around to Noel who had followed him into the room.
“Green leather snake-skin print ?”
“What ?”
“What were you thinking ?”
“I figured them to be the coolest pair of trousers I have ever seen.”
Russell rolled his eyes. “I bet you’d look like a lizard in those.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Noel cocked his head. “Hand them over!” He started undoing his pair of jeans and dropped them to the floor. “I’ll show you what they look like!”
In the meanwhile, Russell had found himself a pair of jeans he thought he could squeeze himself into. Noel was at least two sizes smaller than him, but he would not stand to be defeated in a challenge.
The two boys hopped around the room, trying to wring themselves into the tight pants they had chosen. Noel had a lot of trouble with getting the leather pants on, as they were clinging to his legs and had to be pulled up inch by inch. That way, Russell was the first one to get his jeans up, but there came the next problem : fastening.
No matter how long he held his breath and sucked in his belly, he couldn’t get it closed. “Gah, I hate my hips!” he puffed, pulling the two sides closer to each other. He started jumping around, as if that would help.
Noel, almost ready with getting the leather pants on, moved over and sat down on the bed. “Come here, mate, I’ll give you a hand,” he said, and Russell placed himself in front of him. “Now, tighten up!” Noel started pulling even harder, but couldn’t quite reach it yet. “Come on, we’ll make it, just suck in your tummy.” Russell wheezed a little bit. “Suck it in! Suck it in!”
“I *AM* sucking!” Russell yelled angrily, and that was (of course) the moment the door of the bedroom flew open and who else but Julian Baratt was to walk in.
“What in the name of God are you two doing ?”
Caught in the act, Noel looked up and Russell turned his head around, both with a guilty smile. “We were … putting on pants.”
Julian stood still for a moment, taking in the scene. Noel sitting on the end of the bed, with that fantastic pair of Lizardpants halfway on, facing Russell’s crotch while tucking up those far-too-tight jeans of him … “I hope you’re not putting on pants because … you weren’t wearing any before ?”
Noel got up quickly and fastened his own Lizardpants, saying : “No, not at all, Russell was just trying to prove me he could get into my pants.” Russell interrupted : “Fitting them on, that is, not as in : taking Noel’s pants off, and, and, you understand.” “Yes, and then, I needed to prove him that I look fantastic in these pants!”
Julian shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable, the both of you.” He walked back towards the living room, but turned around again for a brief moment. “And Noel, you do look fantastic in those pants.” Noel stuck out his tongue at Russell and started walking around the room like on a runway. He even did a little spin at the door, before going into the living room.
Russell took a good look at them while Noel was showing off his legs, and finally had to admit to himself that, yes, the Lizardpants were the coolest pair of trousers he had ever seen. Noel did look like a reptile in them, but a damn sexy reptile.
And then his eyes fell on the ass … Was it the pants or did Noel just grow the sexiest, firmest, bounciest ass Russell ever laid eyes on? It must, it must be the pants, he thought by himself.
He followed the two men into the living room, where they had placed themselves in the chairs again.
“So, did you get any work done already ? Written down any material ?” Julian had decided to pop in and check how they were doing. Experience had taught him Noel needed a certain amount of discipline to start working, and the boy just wasn’t able to discipline himself. If he didn’t make Noel sit down and focus from time to time, there never would have been something like the Mighty Boosh, except for inside of Noel’s head, maybe. He didn’t know Russell very well, but he figured they had the same problem. And, judging by their hesitation to answer his question, he must have been right.
“Well …,” they glanced at each other, trying to come up with a decent reply. “Well,” Noel said, “we realised we don’t know anything about gothic culture.” “Nor about detection, if we have to be honest,” Russell admitted.
Julian sighed and shook his head. “You boys … you haven’t done anything aside of going through the contents of Noel Fielding’s wardrobe, have you ?”
Russell and Noel both bit their lip and shared a guilty look.
“You’d better be grateful I came by, then.” Julian got up and took a CD-Rom out of his jacket pocket. While he walked over to Noel’s desk to switch on the computer, he told them : “Lucky for you, *I* know something about underground cultures and music history. I have prepared a little introduction …” “Oh no, not a PowerPoint!” Noel exclaimed, but he was too late. “… a little introduction, as I was saying, to the gothic culture, from it’s very first origins up to the different forms it goes by today.” He entered the CD-Rom into the computer. “Noel, can you get me a drink out of my fridge ?”
Noel got up and Russell unwillingly caught another glimpse of the young man’s fine-looking ass. When he came walking back into the living room, handing Julian some exotic-looking beer, Russell shot him a strange look. “Does he have his own fridge here?”
“Yeah, just a little one. Where he can keep the stuff he wants to hide from Julia.”
“That’s not true,” Julian took the beer out of Noel’s hand and opened the bottle, explaining to Russell : “Ever since she’s pregnant, she’s developed a taste for old and ripe cheese, and the smellier the better. My whole fridge is smelling like Roquefort these days. And this …” he showed Russell the bottle, “is an exclusive, rare Belgian beer I specially had shipped in. I don’t want it to stink of old French sandals when I drink it. So, I took the liberty of installing my very own fridge in here, just to keep them safe.”
“A long way of saying, you’re hiding stuff from Julia.”
“Oh, sit down, you,” Julian nodded at Noel, who grinned at Russell and nestled himself in the couch.
“Now, pay attention! Gothic culture!” Julian clicked on a few buttons and, yes, opened a PowerPoint presentation. “The name ‘gothic’ refers to a medieval architectural style, mostly used for religious buildings.” On the screen, they saw a picture of a church. “Canterbury Cathedral is a fine example of the gothic architecture, although then it was known as ‘the French style’. The term ‘gothic’ only started to be used in later times, during the Renaissance and the Reformation, mostly as an insult to call it old-fashioned and barbaric. It would last up to the Romantic era, starting around the end of the eighteenth century, before the gothic style would be appreciated again…”
Russell quickly started to lose interest in the private lecture and zoned out. He secretly watched Noel out of the corner of his eye. Ever since he had met Noel, they had immediately felt comfortable around each other and they really seemed to get along quite well. As they both were very tactile, they would often hug, and kiss, and cuddle. Russell knew that didn’t mean anything. Well, not to him. Not very much, at least. It was more of a physical expression of their liking for each other, he concluded. That was it, nothing more.
Then why couldn’t he keep his eyes off of that wonderful, lean, smooth body of his ? Was it really just the leather pants ?
Suddenly Noel turned his head and winked at him, then rolled his eyes. Russell winked back.
He wasn’t the only one getting bored.
** ** **
Three hours later.
It had taken Julian about an hour to finish his ‘short overview’ of gothic culture, and he had handed out sheets with extra information and a bibliography. Then he had gotten a call from Julia, to ask him why he wasn’t home yet and if he could pick up a jar of globe artichoke buds on the way, a Kitkat and some cheese, please ?
Russell and Noel had come up with nothing better than to watch a movie, to get some inspiration. The closest thing to a gothic movie Noel had lying around, was Interview With The Vampire. So they popped it into the DVD-player, Noel fixed them a bowl of popcorn and they both sat down on the floor with their back against the couch. Two ten-year-olds on a Sunday afternoon.
Russell had seen the movie maybe once or twice. Before, he thought it was alright, some cool scenes and nice costumes. But this time, watching it while lying so close to another man, he started to pick up the rather homo-erotic undertone of the film. Or was that because he was lying so close to Noel, in his very fantastic Lizardpants, with the fine ass underneath ? As the intensity grew between Louis and Lestat on the screen, Russell for the first time started to feel a bit nervous, maybe even uncomfortable. He noticed that Noel and him had been joking all the way through the beginning of the movie, but the joking had stopped. Tension was rising, both on and in front of the tv-screen.
When he reached for the popcorn-bowl, he suddenly brushed by Noel’s hand that was inside the bowl as well. He felt how the hand stiffened for a brief moment, and he pulled away quickly. Too quickly ? Russell kept staring in front of him, but couldn’t help but noticing how Noel shot him a nervous glance. Best not to mind. There’s a movie to watch. Work to be done.
It didn’t take long before the credits started to roll and The Stones were singing out their sympathy for the devil. Since the ‘touching of the hands’, both of them had said nothing and were trying to avoid any contact. As thing were getting weird, Russell decided it was best to go home and try to write again tomorrow. When Noel wouldn’t look as good as now. When he wouldn’t feel so … strangely attracted to the other man. This was too awkward and confusing. Far too awkward and …
“Russell, could you take off my trousers, please ?”
Brand’s eyes grew wide and turned his shocked face towards Noel. The boy was smiling and pointed to Russell’s legs. “You’ll stretch them out if you keep them on too long, fatty.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
Russell quickly got up and dusted off his hands, walking into the bedroom. Noel stood up too and stretched his arms and back. He turned off the television and started to clean the living-room table, gathering the glasses and the papers that were occupying it together. He brought them back to the kitchen, but then he heard Russell calling for him : “Erm, Noel ?”
“What’s wrong ?” he shouted back.
“Can you come over here for a second ?”
Noel threw the stack of papers onto the desk and joined the other man in the bedroom. Russell stood next to the bed, facing the wall with his back towards Noel. He looked over his shoulder and begged for help. “You’re a filthy anorexic and you’re pants are way too tight!”
Noel stood in the door with his hands in his side. “Are you saying you can’t take off my pants?”
Just a flash of ‘Oh, if only …’ shot through Russell’s head, but he was quick enough to suppress it. Though not quick enough not to notice the thought. “Well, I’m afraid I do need some help, yes.” He kept tugging at it some more, but the jeans didn’t move an inch.
Noel walked over and grabbed Russell’s sides, trying to get a grasp on the trousers. Then he tried pulling them down, but that also didn’t seem to help.
At least it didn’t help to get the pants off. It did help to get Russell’s head spinning a little. The warmth of Noel’s body against his back, the grip of his hands on his sides, the little groans he let out as he was tugging, it was all getting too much for him. In search of support, he placed a sweaty hand against the wall.
Noel by then had concluded the trousers wouldn’t come off when he stood behind Russell. Maybe it would be easier on the front ? He turned around and placed himself face to face with the larger man. “Let’s see if this goes better,” he smiled and looked up. Trying to get a grip, Noel followed the edge of the jeans all the way to Russell’s back, where he could slid his thumbs under the tissue. Feeling the fingers touching his bare skin, Russell shuddered as a cold shiver was running down his spine. Normally, he would only have that if he was very, very horny.
Noel leaned in and now his chest was pressing on Russell’s. The larger man was trying not to breathe too heavily, and not to collapse into the arms of his friend. As their faces came closer to each other, he could barely resist the urge to kiss him right on the lips. He couldn’t resist another shiver, though, when Noel groaned a little louder while giving a strong tug on the jeans surrounding his ass.
Wonder by wonder, it did go better, and the pants were already partly removed. Now they only had to come down his legs … When Noel backed off again, Russell tried to avoid eye-contact and started wringing himself out.
“No, no, you’re only making it worse!” Noel shook his head and laughed. “Don’t try to make me believe you never crawled out of too tiny pants before!” Russell looked up and grinned. He was trying to think of a joke, something witty and light-hearted, not too kinky or seductive or anything that would draw attention to the fact he had a growing erection inside of what were still, Noel Fielding’s pants. But, for some reason, his mind had gotten totally blank and the room was spinning around a little bit.
Then Noel pushed him and Russell fell with his back flat on the bed. “It’s much easier if you lie down,” the black-haired boy told him, “Now, I’ll tug and you wriggle.” Noel grabbed the jeans by Russell’s feet and nodded at him.
Because it didn’t really work all too well that way, Noel started to reach for higher places to get a grip on. He let his fingers slide up along Russell’s long and jeans-clad legs. In that fashion, he quickly crawled all the way up to Russell’s thighs, getting rather close around the crotch-area. “Oh, please no …” Russell whispered under his breath, but it was too late. He was lying completely still, with his head on the pillows and his eyes closed, very much aware of the full-grown erection down his pants, patiently awaiting a painful remark or a grossed-out yell of disgust.
When neither of those seemed to come, Russell opened his eyes again.
Instead, he felt a soft, wet kiss that was placed on his belly.
That kiss was followed by some more, and the slight tickles of fuzzy hair brushing past his skin. Then there was a little tongue, scraping on his flesh, searching the way to his bellybutton. Now the whole zone between his bellybutton and the rim of his underwear was getting kissed and licked. When Russell finally felt Noel’s hand feeling up his hard-on, he moaned loudly.
“Noel …” Two bright blue eyes stared right into his, awaiting his reaction. Russell only hesitated for a nanosecond. There was no time to think and regrets were for later on. Now he could just focus on two things : his aroused cock and Noel’s beautiful lips.
He grabbed the bundle of black hair and pulled it up to his head, where their lips could meet and welcome each other with a long, hard kiss. They didn’t bother to search around for a little, it was straight-to-tongues immediately.
Noel draped himself along of Russell’s body, and that way the brown-haired man could feel he wasn’t the only one who was very, very horny. Noel’s cock was burning a hole in his side, right through the Fantastic Lizardpants.
When they broke off their kiss, it was merely to grasp for air. It wasn’t the moment for idle banter or funny comments. Their two bodies were writhing against each other and they lost themselves completely in the moment.
Their kisses grew wilder and wilder, when both of them grasped each other’s hair and kept their hands touching and pressing everywhere they could. Noel’s crotch was riding Russell’s knee while he let his hand linger around the other man’s Y-front-covered cock. Slightly massaging the front of Russell’s underwear, Noel kept digging into his mouth with his tongue. Russell pulled him closer and closer and pushed his crotch up and down into Noel’s hand. When Noel started to use more pressure, Russell lost his mind.
He pulled back from the kiss and started panting heavily. “I … I can’t - fuck… we shouldn’t …” Noel, on the other hand, was not letting go and he kept stroking Russell’s hard-on through his underwear harder and harder. In the meanwhile, he bounced up and down Russell’s inner thigh, pressing his cock into Russell’s side. As the man underneath him started wriggling and shivering and making sexy, sexy sounds, Noel was the second one to let go the last bit of his mind.
“My God, Russell, you’re so … you’re so …” “Oh, fuck, Noel,” Russell cried out, “I can’t … I’m going to come.” His body tensed up and his breath grew shorter and shorter. With a loud groan, he felt the explosion in his underwear and after a shock or two, the strange sensation of the orgasm geared from his head all the way down to his toes.
At that point Noel had closed his eyes and leaned in for one more kiss, and Russell threw his arms around his back and pulled him close. With Noel still riding up to him, faster and faster, working his way up to the final moment, Russell started to touch Noel all over his back, sliding his hands down, doing what he had longed for since the beginning of the evening, until he finally had reached Noel’s fine ass and gripped it firmly.
He wasn’t sure if it was the grip on the arse or the appreciating purr, but something he did was very right. Noel broke the kiss to look up to the ceiling, cry out a little : “Oh fuck …”, close his eyes again and start to shudder. Then he let his head fall down on Russell’s shoulder.
None of them both knew something to say. None of them both wanted to say anything. So they just lied there for a while, softly stroking each others hair.
** ** **
An hour later
Russell draped the towel around his waist and made sure he was fastened tight. After lying in the bed for a little more time, both of them were feeling a little sticky and decided they should clean up first. Russell had managed to get out of the trousers by himself, while Noel had stripped down the leather inch by inch. As a guest, Russell got the privilege of the shower, while Noel was changing.
All freshed up, Russell entered the kitchen, where the water in Noel’s kettle was near to boiling. “Made us some tea,” he gestured.
Russell sat down on one of the chairs around the table. He did not know very well how to behave in a situation like this before. If only he could blame it on the moment, the tension, the Lizardpants. But if it would just have been one of those reasons, he wouldn’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he saw Noel scurrying around the kitchen dressed only in black boxers and a black button-down shirt that was hanging around his frail, smooth body, now, would he?
Noel placed the cup of tea before him and Russell shot him a grateful smile. “Thanks, mate.” “You’re welcome.” Noel sat down on the table and put his feet on the other chair.
Both of them waited for the other one to begin.
As not one of them did, they started at the same time.
“So…,” Russell and Noel spoke in unison.
“That was … strange,” Russell started off cautiously. Noel nodded. “Strange, at least.” He took a sip of his tea and pondered that thought for a while. “But, it was … fun, too.” “Yeah, yeah,” Russell agreed, “it was fun!” “Just a bit of fun,” Noel replied. There was more sipping of tea.
And silence.
Finally, Noel sighed. “Hey, mate, I … I really like you.” Russell wanted to interrupt him, but Noel gestured him to keep quiet. “Listen to me first. I like you, and, you know, a lot. You’re a really great friend and I love being around you, and tonight, I don’t know, I was just …” He paused to search for words. “I’m not gay, you know. I have a girlfriend. I… It’s not like I’m in love with you, at least I think.”
Russell stood up, nodding as he understood exactly what his friend was saying. “I don’t think I’m ‘in love’ with you either, Noel. But … I … sometimes I can just feel very attracted to you, and sometimes that can be in a, you know, physical way…” He put down his cup of tea to reach up towards Noel’s face and to hold his chin between his fingers, making the boy look up at him. Brown eyes sought and found blue eyes. They smiled.
“And … I really like you too,” Russell whispered, as he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on Noel’s lips.
As they let go again, Noel chuckled. “That’s it, then?” he asked.
Russell frowned his heavy eyebrows. “What do you mean, that’s it?”
“That’s what we’re going to be like ? Friends that really like each other ?”
Russell thought about that. “Well, I really like Matt too, but there’s no way I’m going to kiss him. I don’t feel attracted to him at all.” He looked down at Noel’s bare chest and slender hips who showed a hint of the muscles that were lying underneath. “But you … I can’t keep my hands off of you now.”
Russell grabbed him, pushing him backwards into yet another kiss, and Noel almost fell over. After the kiss, Noel smiled at him. “I don’t mind. Feel free to touch me any time.”
“That’s a dangerous thing to say to a vile predator like me, Fielding. You better beware!” Russell laughed, slipping into the more comfortable mode of wits and puns, instead of the serious emotional talk.
“Some nasty talk coming out of a vegetarian’s mouth, I’d say,” Noel replied, also glad they could start to joke around again. He got up from the table and turned around. “Speaking of food, I’m getting hungry, aren’t you?” Russell felt his stomach yelling ‘yes! Yes!’ and nodded in agreement. “What can you offer me?”
Noel opened his fridge and searched around quickly. “Well, not much … a jar of globe artichoke buds and a Kitkat. But that one’s almost out of date, I guess.” Then he shot up right and waved his finger, as if he had the most glorious idea. “But there always is … Julian’s fridge!”
He quickly moved over to the other side of the room, to a small fridge in the corner. “Well then, tonight I’ve been touching the contents of Noel Fielding’s wardrobe *and* those of Julian Barratt’s fridge. Interesting combination, I’d say.”
“Aha!” Noel got up triumphantly and waved around two tasty-looking cups. “Chocolate-mousse !” Russell nodded in appreciation. With his most seductive voice, Noel said : “Belgian chocolate …”
“Oooooh. Now think of the ways we can enjoy those …”
This is not real. Only in my head.
Pairing : Russell/Noel
The Lizard, the Fridge and the Wardrobe
Wednesday night.
“So. The goth detectives.”
Russell put his glass back on the living room-table and tried to get to the point. They had been in Noel’s flat for about two hours now, to come up with material for the Teenage Cancer Trust gig, but that time had been spent with gossiping, talking about shops and Noel running around the flat showing Russell various types of ‘cool things’ and ‘great stuff’ he had collected there.
Noel sat down in the sofa across of Russell and tried to get concentrated. “Goth detectives, right. Let’s see.”
There was a long pause.
“What are you thinking of?” Noel asked his fellow comedian.
“To be honest ?” Russell smiled a little ashamed, “I was wondering what to wear.”
“I don’t see that working very well … just us standing on the stage talking about our outfits for two hours ? Now, *I* would love that, but there’s an audience to think about.”
“No, I was also really wondering… I don’t have anything ‘gothic gothic’ in my wardrobe. That’s just skinny jeans and shirts, you know.”
“Me neither,” Noel said, “I’d have to shift through our Boosh-gear to find a costume. I’m not really a goth. The only thing remotely gothic about me is my eyeliner.”
“Oh Noel, Noel,” Russell sighed, “what did we get ourselves into ? My knowledge of everything goth starts and ends with the Cure.”
“Hey, you could wear Julian’s gothic outfit from the television series, we still have that,” Noel kept thinking further, “when he was ‘Howard, Dark Side of the Moon’. I still love that line,” he chuckled.
Russell leered at him. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Me, dressing up as Julian, frolicking about on stage ? Giving you the cuddles and the kisses you always wanted him to give you?”
Noel threw a pillow at Russell’s head, making him shout: “Oi! Watch the hair!”
“Cut it out, you nonce. I can’t help it you’re too big to get in *my* clothes.”
“I can fit in your clothes perfectly!”
“No, you can’t. I’m very much skinnier than you.”
“Are you calling me fat, Fielding ?”
“No, but,” Noel paused, “Yes.”
This time he got a pillow aimed in his direction. “I can wear your clothes and I shall prove it to you!” Russell exclaimed. “Towards the wardrobe!”
He got up and walked into Noel’s bedroom, a rather messy place, clothes spread out all over the room. Russell swung open a door of the big cupboard on the end of the room and started shifting through the pairs of trousers. After throwing a few of them on the ground, he picked up a pair and held them up, then turned around to Noel who had followed him into the room.
“Green leather snake-skin print ?”
“What ?”
“What were you thinking ?”
“I figured them to be the coolest pair of trousers I have ever seen.”
Russell rolled his eyes. “I bet you’d look like a lizard in those.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Noel cocked his head. “Hand them over!” He started undoing his pair of jeans and dropped them to the floor. “I’ll show you what they look like!”
In the meanwhile, Russell had found himself a pair of jeans he thought he could squeeze himself into. Noel was at least two sizes smaller than him, but he would not stand to be defeated in a challenge.
The two boys hopped around the room, trying to wring themselves into the tight pants they had chosen. Noel had a lot of trouble with getting the leather pants on, as they were clinging to his legs and had to be pulled up inch by inch. That way, Russell was the first one to get his jeans up, but there came the next problem : fastening.
No matter how long he held his breath and sucked in his belly, he couldn’t get it closed. “Gah, I hate my hips!” he puffed, pulling the two sides closer to each other. He started jumping around, as if that would help.
Noel, almost ready with getting the leather pants on, moved over and sat down on the bed. “Come here, mate, I’ll give you a hand,” he said, and Russell placed himself in front of him. “Now, tighten up!” Noel started pulling even harder, but couldn’t quite reach it yet. “Come on, we’ll make it, just suck in your tummy.” Russell wheezed a little bit. “Suck it in! Suck it in!”
“I *AM* sucking!” Russell yelled angrily, and that was (of course) the moment the door of the bedroom flew open and who else but Julian Baratt was to walk in.
“What in the name of God are you two doing ?”
Caught in the act, Noel looked up and Russell turned his head around, both with a guilty smile. “We were … putting on pants.”
Julian stood still for a moment, taking in the scene. Noel sitting on the end of the bed, with that fantastic pair of Lizardpants halfway on, facing Russell’s crotch while tucking up those far-too-tight jeans of him … “I hope you’re not putting on pants because … you weren’t wearing any before ?”
Noel got up quickly and fastened his own Lizardpants, saying : “No, not at all, Russell was just trying to prove me he could get into my pants.” Russell interrupted : “Fitting them on, that is, not as in : taking Noel’s pants off, and, and, you understand.” “Yes, and then, I needed to prove him that I look fantastic in these pants!”
Julian shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable, the both of you.” He walked back towards the living room, but turned around again for a brief moment. “And Noel, you do look fantastic in those pants.” Noel stuck out his tongue at Russell and started walking around the room like on a runway. He even did a little spin at the door, before going into the living room.
Russell took a good look at them while Noel was showing off his legs, and finally had to admit to himself that, yes, the Lizardpants were the coolest pair of trousers he had ever seen. Noel did look like a reptile in them, but a damn sexy reptile.
And then his eyes fell on the ass … Was it the pants or did Noel just grow the sexiest, firmest, bounciest ass Russell ever laid eyes on? It must, it must be the pants, he thought by himself.
He followed the two men into the living room, where they had placed themselves in the chairs again.
“So, did you get any work done already ? Written down any material ?” Julian had decided to pop in and check how they were doing. Experience had taught him Noel needed a certain amount of discipline to start working, and the boy just wasn’t able to discipline himself. If he didn’t make Noel sit down and focus from time to time, there never would have been something like the Mighty Boosh, except for inside of Noel’s head, maybe. He didn’t know Russell very well, but he figured they had the same problem. And, judging by their hesitation to answer his question, he must have been right.
“Well …,” they glanced at each other, trying to come up with a decent reply. “Well,” Noel said, “we realised we don’t know anything about gothic culture.” “Nor about detection, if we have to be honest,” Russell admitted.
Julian sighed and shook his head. “You boys … you haven’t done anything aside of going through the contents of Noel Fielding’s wardrobe, have you ?”
Russell and Noel both bit their lip and shared a guilty look.
“You’d better be grateful I came by, then.” Julian got up and took a CD-Rom out of his jacket pocket. While he walked over to Noel’s desk to switch on the computer, he told them : “Lucky for you, *I* know something about underground cultures and music history. I have prepared a little introduction …” “Oh no, not a PowerPoint!” Noel exclaimed, but he was too late. “… a little introduction, as I was saying, to the gothic culture, from it’s very first origins up to the different forms it goes by today.” He entered the CD-Rom into the computer. “Noel, can you get me a drink out of my fridge ?”
Noel got up and Russell unwillingly caught another glimpse of the young man’s fine-looking ass. When he came walking back into the living room, handing Julian some exotic-looking beer, Russell shot him a strange look. “Does he have his own fridge here?”
“Yeah, just a little one. Where he can keep the stuff he wants to hide from Julia.”
“That’s not true,” Julian took the beer out of Noel’s hand and opened the bottle, explaining to Russell : “Ever since she’s pregnant, she’s developed a taste for old and ripe cheese, and the smellier the better. My whole fridge is smelling like Roquefort these days. And this …” he showed Russell the bottle, “is an exclusive, rare Belgian beer I specially had shipped in. I don’t want it to stink of old French sandals when I drink it. So, I took the liberty of installing my very own fridge in here, just to keep them safe.”
“A long way of saying, you’re hiding stuff from Julia.”
“Oh, sit down, you,” Julian nodded at Noel, who grinned at Russell and nestled himself in the couch.
“Now, pay attention! Gothic culture!” Julian clicked on a few buttons and, yes, opened a PowerPoint presentation. “The name ‘gothic’ refers to a medieval architectural style, mostly used for religious buildings.” On the screen, they saw a picture of a church. “Canterbury Cathedral is a fine example of the gothic architecture, although then it was known as ‘the French style’. The term ‘gothic’ only started to be used in later times, during the Renaissance and the Reformation, mostly as an insult to call it old-fashioned and barbaric. It would last up to the Romantic era, starting around the end of the eighteenth century, before the gothic style would be appreciated again…”
Russell quickly started to lose interest in the private lecture and zoned out. He secretly watched Noel out of the corner of his eye. Ever since he had met Noel, they had immediately felt comfortable around each other and they really seemed to get along quite well. As they both were very tactile, they would often hug, and kiss, and cuddle. Russell knew that didn’t mean anything. Well, not to him. Not very much, at least. It was more of a physical expression of their liking for each other, he concluded. That was it, nothing more.
Then why couldn’t he keep his eyes off of that wonderful, lean, smooth body of his ? Was it really just the leather pants ?
Suddenly Noel turned his head and winked at him, then rolled his eyes. Russell winked back.
He wasn’t the only one getting bored.
** ** **
Three hours later.
It had taken Julian about an hour to finish his ‘short overview’ of gothic culture, and he had handed out sheets with extra information and a bibliography. Then he had gotten a call from Julia, to ask him why he wasn’t home yet and if he could pick up a jar of globe artichoke buds on the way, a Kitkat and some cheese, please ?
Russell and Noel had come up with nothing better than to watch a movie, to get some inspiration. The closest thing to a gothic movie Noel had lying around, was Interview With The Vampire. So they popped it into the DVD-player, Noel fixed them a bowl of popcorn and they both sat down on the floor with their back against the couch. Two ten-year-olds on a Sunday afternoon.
Russell had seen the movie maybe once or twice. Before, he thought it was alright, some cool scenes and nice costumes. But this time, watching it while lying so close to another man, he started to pick up the rather homo-erotic undertone of the film. Or was that because he was lying so close to Noel, in his very fantastic Lizardpants, with the fine ass underneath ? As the intensity grew between Louis and Lestat on the screen, Russell for the first time started to feel a bit nervous, maybe even uncomfortable. He noticed that Noel and him had been joking all the way through the beginning of the movie, but the joking had stopped. Tension was rising, both on and in front of the tv-screen.
When he reached for the popcorn-bowl, he suddenly brushed by Noel’s hand that was inside the bowl as well. He felt how the hand stiffened for a brief moment, and he pulled away quickly. Too quickly ? Russell kept staring in front of him, but couldn’t help but noticing how Noel shot him a nervous glance. Best not to mind. There’s a movie to watch. Work to be done.
It didn’t take long before the credits started to roll and The Stones were singing out their sympathy for the devil. Since the ‘touching of the hands’, both of them had said nothing and were trying to avoid any contact. As thing were getting weird, Russell decided it was best to go home and try to write again tomorrow. When Noel wouldn’t look as good as now. When he wouldn’t feel so … strangely attracted to the other man. This was too awkward and confusing. Far too awkward and …
“Russell, could you take off my trousers, please ?”
Brand’s eyes grew wide and turned his shocked face towards Noel. The boy was smiling and pointed to Russell’s legs. “You’ll stretch them out if you keep them on too long, fatty.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
Russell quickly got up and dusted off his hands, walking into the bedroom. Noel stood up too and stretched his arms and back. He turned off the television and started to clean the living-room table, gathering the glasses and the papers that were occupying it together. He brought them back to the kitchen, but then he heard Russell calling for him : “Erm, Noel ?”
“What’s wrong ?” he shouted back.
“Can you come over here for a second ?”
Noel threw the stack of papers onto the desk and joined the other man in the bedroom. Russell stood next to the bed, facing the wall with his back towards Noel. He looked over his shoulder and begged for help. “You’re a filthy anorexic and you’re pants are way too tight!”
Noel stood in the door with his hands in his side. “Are you saying you can’t take off my pants?”
Just a flash of ‘Oh, if only …’ shot through Russell’s head, but he was quick enough to suppress it. Though not quick enough not to notice the thought. “Well, I’m afraid I do need some help, yes.” He kept tugging at it some more, but the jeans didn’t move an inch.
Noel walked over and grabbed Russell’s sides, trying to get a grasp on the trousers. Then he tried pulling them down, but that also didn’t seem to help.
At least it didn’t help to get the pants off. It did help to get Russell’s head spinning a little. The warmth of Noel’s body against his back, the grip of his hands on his sides, the little groans he let out as he was tugging, it was all getting too much for him. In search of support, he placed a sweaty hand against the wall.
Noel by then had concluded the trousers wouldn’t come off when he stood behind Russell. Maybe it would be easier on the front ? He turned around and placed himself face to face with the larger man. “Let’s see if this goes better,” he smiled and looked up. Trying to get a grip, Noel followed the edge of the jeans all the way to Russell’s back, where he could slid his thumbs under the tissue. Feeling the fingers touching his bare skin, Russell shuddered as a cold shiver was running down his spine. Normally, he would only have that if he was very, very horny.
Noel leaned in and now his chest was pressing on Russell’s. The larger man was trying not to breathe too heavily, and not to collapse into the arms of his friend. As their faces came closer to each other, he could barely resist the urge to kiss him right on the lips. He couldn’t resist another shiver, though, when Noel groaned a little louder while giving a strong tug on the jeans surrounding his ass.
Wonder by wonder, it did go better, and the pants were already partly removed. Now they only had to come down his legs … When Noel backed off again, Russell tried to avoid eye-contact and started wringing himself out.
“No, no, you’re only making it worse!” Noel shook his head and laughed. “Don’t try to make me believe you never crawled out of too tiny pants before!” Russell looked up and grinned. He was trying to think of a joke, something witty and light-hearted, not too kinky or seductive or anything that would draw attention to the fact he had a growing erection inside of what were still, Noel Fielding’s pants. But, for some reason, his mind had gotten totally blank and the room was spinning around a little bit.
Then Noel pushed him and Russell fell with his back flat on the bed. “It’s much easier if you lie down,” the black-haired boy told him, “Now, I’ll tug and you wriggle.” Noel grabbed the jeans by Russell’s feet and nodded at him.
Because it didn’t really work all too well that way, Noel started to reach for higher places to get a grip on. He let his fingers slide up along Russell’s long and jeans-clad legs. In that fashion, he quickly crawled all the way up to Russell’s thighs, getting rather close around the crotch-area. “Oh, please no …” Russell whispered under his breath, but it was too late. He was lying completely still, with his head on the pillows and his eyes closed, very much aware of the full-grown erection down his pants, patiently awaiting a painful remark or a grossed-out yell of disgust.
When neither of those seemed to come, Russell opened his eyes again.
Instead, he felt a soft, wet kiss that was placed on his belly.
That kiss was followed by some more, and the slight tickles of fuzzy hair brushing past his skin. Then there was a little tongue, scraping on his flesh, searching the way to his bellybutton. Now the whole zone between his bellybutton and the rim of his underwear was getting kissed and licked. When Russell finally felt Noel’s hand feeling up his hard-on, he moaned loudly.
“Noel …” Two bright blue eyes stared right into his, awaiting his reaction. Russell only hesitated for a nanosecond. There was no time to think and regrets were for later on. Now he could just focus on two things : his aroused cock and Noel’s beautiful lips.
He grabbed the bundle of black hair and pulled it up to his head, where their lips could meet and welcome each other with a long, hard kiss. They didn’t bother to search around for a little, it was straight-to-tongues immediately.
Noel draped himself along of Russell’s body, and that way the brown-haired man could feel he wasn’t the only one who was very, very horny. Noel’s cock was burning a hole in his side, right through the Fantastic Lizardpants.
When they broke off their kiss, it was merely to grasp for air. It wasn’t the moment for idle banter or funny comments. Their two bodies were writhing against each other and they lost themselves completely in the moment.
Their kisses grew wilder and wilder, when both of them grasped each other’s hair and kept their hands touching and pressing everywhere they could. Noel’s crotch was riding Russell’s knee while he let his hand linger around the other man’s Y-front-covered cock. Slightly massaging the front of Russell’s underwear, Noel kept digging into his mouth with his tongue. Russell pulled him closer and closer and pushed his crotch up and down into Noel’s hand. When Noel started to use more pressure, Russell lost his mind.
He pulled back from the kiss and started panting heavily. “I … I can’t - fuck… we shouldn’t …” Noel, on the other hand, was not letting go and he kept stroking Russell’s hard-on through his underwear harder and harder. In the meanwhile, he bounced up and down Russell’s inner thigh, pressing his cock into Russell’s side. As the man underneath him started wriggling and shivering and making sexy, sexy sounds, Noel was the second one to let go the last bit of his mind.
“My God, Russell, you’re so … you’re so …” “Oh, fuck, Noel,” Russell cried out, “I can’t … I’m going to come.” His body tensed up and his breath grew shorter and shorter. With a loud groan, he felt the explosion in his underwear and after a shock or two, the strange sensation of the orgasm geared from his head all the way down to his toes.
At that point Noel had closed his eyes and leaned in for one more kiss, and Russell threw his arms around his back and pulled him close. With Noel still riding up to him, faster and faster, working his way up to the final moment, Russell started to touch Noel all over his back, sliding his hands down, doing what he had longed for since the beginning of the evening, until he finally had reached Noel’s fine ass and gripped it firmly.
He wasn’t sure if it was the grip on the arse or the appreciating purr, but something he did was very right. Noel broke the kiss to look up to the ceiling, cry out a little : “Oh fuck …”, close his eyes again and start to shudder. Then he let his head fall down on Russell’s shoulder.
None of them both knew something to say. None of them both wanted to say anything. So they just lied there for a while, softly stroking each others hair.
** ** **
An hour later
Russell draped the towel around his waist and made sure he was fastened tight. After lying in the bed for a little more time, both of them were feeling a little sticky and decided they should clean up first. Russell had managed to get out of the trousers by himself, while Noel had stripped down the leather inch by inch. As a guest, Russell got the privilege of the shower, while Noel was changing.
All freshed up, Russell entered the kitchen, where the water in Noel’s kettle was near to boiling. “Made us some tea,” he gestured.
Russell sat down on one of the chairs around the table. He did not know very well how to behave in a situation like this before. If only he could blame it on the moment, the tension, the Lizardpants. But if it would just have been one of those reasons, he wouldn’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he saw Noel scurrying around the kitchen dressed only in black boxers and a black button-down shirt that was hanging around his frail, smooth body, now, would he?
Noel placed the cup of tea before him and Russell shot him a grateful smile. “Thanks, mate.” “You’re welcome.” Noel sat down on the table and put his feet on the other chair.
Both of them waited for the other one to begin.
As not one of them did, they started at the same time.
“So…,” Russell and Noel spoke in unison.
“That was … strange,” Russell started off cautiously. Noel nodded. “Strange, at least.” He took a sip of his tea and pondered that thought for a while. “But, it was … fun, too.” “Yeah, yeah,” Russell agreed, “it was fun!” “Just a bit of fun,” Noel replied. There was more sipping of tea.
And silence.
Finally, Noel sighed. “Hey, mate, I … I really like you.” Russell wanted to interrupt him, but Noel gestured him to keep quiet. “Listen to me first. I like you, and, you know, a lot. You’re a really great friend and I love being around you, and tonight, I don’t know, I was just …” He paused to search for words. “I’m not gay, you know. I have a girlfriend. I… It’s not like I’m in love with you, at least I think.”
Russell stood up, nodding as he understood exactly what his friend was saying. “I don’t think I’m ‘in love’ with you either, Noel. But … I … sometimes I can just feel very attracted to you, and sometimes that can be in a, you know, physical way…” He put down his cup of tea to reach up towards Noel’s face and to hold his chin between his fingers, making the boy look up at him. Brown eyes sought and found blue eyes. They smiled.
“And … I really like you too,” Russell whispered, as he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on Noel’s lips.
As they let go again, Noel chuckled. “That’s it, then?” he asked.
Russell frowned his heavy eyebrows. “What do you mean, that’s it?”
“That’s what we’re going to be like ? Friends that really like each other ?”
Russell thought about that. “Well, I really like Matt too, but there’s no way I’m going to kiss him. I don’t feel attracted to him at all.” He looked down at Noel’s bare chest and slender hips who showed a hint of the muscles that were lying underneath. “But you … I can’t keep my hands off of you now.”
Russell grabbed him, pushing him backwards into yet another kiss, and Noel almost fell over. After the kiss, Noel smiled at him. “I don’t mind. Feel free to touch me any time.”
“That’s a dangerous thing to say to a vile predator like me, Fielding. You better beware!” Russell laughed, slipping into the more comfortable mode of wits and puns, instead of the serious emotional talk.
“Some nasty talk coming out of a vegetarian’s mouth, I’d say,” Noel replied, also glad they could start to joke around again. He got up from the table and turned around. “Speaking of food, I’m getting hungry, aren’t you?” Russell felt his stomach yelling ‘yes! Yes!’ and nodded in agreement. “What can you offer me?”
Noel opened his fridge and searched around quickly. “Well, not much … a jar of globe artichoke buds and a Kitkat. But that one’s almost out of date, I guess.” Then he shot up right and waved his finger, as if he had the most glorious idea. “But there always is … Julian’s fridge!”
He quickly moved over to the other side of the room, to a small fridge in the corner. “Well then, tonight I’ve been touching the contents of Noel Fielding’s wardrobe *and* those of Julian Barratt’s fridge. Interesting combination, I’d say.”
“Aha!” Noel got up triumphantly and waved around two tasty-looking cups. “Chocolate-mousse !” Russell nodded in appreciation. With his most seductive voice, Noel said : “Belgian chocolate …”
“Oooooh. Now think of the ways we can enjoy those …”