Why I see hip replacement surgery in my future
I have what I like to refer to as “balance issues”. I trip and fall at least once a month. One minute I’m walking and the next I’m in a heap on the ground wondering what happened. There must be a reason for this behavior other than my own clumsiness. I don’t know what I did to piss gravity off, but she’s a bitch and certainly finds perfect moments to send me flailing to the ground. Some incidents of note:
- Falling down stairs while making eyes at a guy at a Ryan Adams concert. At the bottom of the stairs I saw that my drink had spilled down the back of an innocent man. He was sympathetic, but a girl in his group gave me an evil death stare that insinuated that this was my clever way to hit on her man. (NOTE: I'm not that clever.) The guy who I was eye-flirting with never talked to me.
- Tripping in front of a very busy Wrigley Field. (My knee bled all over my cute white skirt.) I was helped up by a guy selling peanuts and the program guy handed me pieces of my phone.
- Falling to the ground in front of a hospital. A man on an ambulance stretcher yelled to ask if I was okay, to which I responded, "Yeah, are you?" The woman who helped me up gave me a huge hug afterwards.
What I find very interesting about my many collisions with the ground beneath me is the reaction from lookers-on. The last time I fell (holding banana crème pie) a woman rushed over and repeatedly asked if I was okay. When I replied, “Yes, I’m fine-I trip and fall all the time,” she looked at me as if I didn't realize the seriousness of the situation. As I walked away, I could hear her say, one last time, "Are you sure you're okay?" This reaction has come from many a bystander and has given me a desperate urge to see what I look like as I crash to the ground. I am a tall gal with long arms and imagine that these arms desperately flap about trying to whisk my body into the air and out of danger. Maybe my facial expressions are full of fear and dread. I don’t know. I do hope that when it’s my time to go and my life flashes before my eyes, I get to witness some of these priceless moments. That or maybe someone can follow me around with a video camera and catch me in the act.