Frustration
So I think I have an invisible sign hanging around my neck that says if you have major issues then be attracted to me! Currently Shawn is in rehab again and I am seeing, I use the word seeing lightly, this guy Jerald who is a African American bisexual guy who enjoys doing coke socially. I've already done alcoholics and potheads, which by the way Jerald enjoys beer and pot as well, so why do I need another man who has a fondness to drugs. Schwartau, one of my good friends at school, says I should have a checklist I should go thru on any 1st date I have and if the guy doesn't answer to my liking then that is it. Good plan but I think I might scare the good guy off, of course a girl with a boyfriend would think of this ludicrous plan because she no longer has to worry about the looming 1st date.
Another realization I have come to is that I am not the type of girl any of the guys I find attractive would go for. For example there is this guy Eric who lives in the same dorms as me and he is attractive in the bad boy fashion he has piercing and tattoos and is in a fraternity, Jerald is as well, well in describing Eric I can already tell I am not his type although I do have one tattoo, I am not overly into the party scene and I'm not overly girly. He likes my roommates type, big boobs, very girly, and hot. Can I blame him? Ok Next example Tommy, OMG he is gorgeous. He also lives in the same dorms but he is also in my bio lab. He has blonde dreads, blue eyes and tan, typical surfer/skater look. He is friends or maybe more with this very styling attractive girl in our lab who has the piercing and probably tattoo thing going on. First off I wish I could dress like her and I wish I has her body and was as attractive. Plus I dont have strong feelings for the beach and my body is not in as good of shape as I would like to be strutting in a bikini.
So maybe I should just give up and be a lesbian. Whats crazier then that is that I love Shawn. I feel like Eddie van Halens wife or Robert Downey Jr's no matter how many times he goes to rehab or I find out he is doing drugs rather than being with me I just cant not love him. I am being supportive and the good friend but I just wish things could work out in his life so he could work in my life. I can't see a romantic future unless he got clean and went back to school and made something of himself. But at the same time I want him so bad. He seems sometimes more interested in the physical aspect rather than the emotional which I understand since he is living on a ranch with 7 other guys and no girls to play with. But he does say he loves me which I like, but who knows if he means it, I think it is just we have been through so much together that we would have to love each other at least on the friend level or else we would have given up a long time ago.
Well I plan on getting a break this summer. I am working my ass off, 40 hours or more a week I need to save money majorly so I have money for school and anything else I need. Plus I am making myself over. I am going to use some money, just a little to get some new clothes and maybe try out makeup and doing something with my hair like lightening it. Plus my mom is going to have me working out with her everyday so beware by Fall 2004 I am going to look like a brand new person and perhaps I can gain some perspective this summer and move past some of these issues.
Well I think this entry has been particularly lengthy so I am signing off so I can continue studying for my media literacy test I have in less than 4 hours! Adieu~Dora
Another realization I have come to is that I am not the type of girl any of the guys I find attractive would go for. For example there is this guy Eric who lives in the same dorms as me and he is attractive in the bad boy fashion he has piercing and tattoos and is in a fraternity, Jerald is as well, well in describing Eric I can already tell I am not his type although I do have one tattoo, I am not overly into the party scene and I'm not overly girly. He likes my roommates type, big boobs, very girly, and hot. Can I blame him? Ok Next example Tommy, OMG he is gorgeous. He also lives in the same dorms but he is also in my bio lab. He has blonde dreads, blue eyes and tan, typical surfer/skater look. He is friends or maybe more with this very styling attractive girl in our lab who has the piercing and probably tattoo thing going on. First off I wish I could dress like her and I wish I has her body and was as attractive. Plus I dont have strong feelings for the beach and my body is not in as good of shape as I would like to be strutting in a bikini.
So maybe I should just give up and be a lesbian. Whats crazier then that is that I love Shawn. I feel like Eddie van Halens wife or Robert Downey Jr's no matter how many times he goes to rehab or I find out he is doing drugs rather than being with me I just cant not love him. I am being supportive and the good friend but I just wish things could work out in his life so he could work in my life. I can't see a romantic future unless he got clean and went back to school and made something of himself. But at the same time I want him so bad. He seems sometimes more interested in the physical aspect rather than the emotional which I understand since he is living on a ranch with 7 other guys and no girls to play with. But he does say he loves me which I like, but who knows if he means it, I think it is just we have been through so much together that we would have to love each other at least on the friend level or else we would have given up a long time ago.
Well I plan on getting a break this summer. I am working my ass off, 40 hours or more a week I need to save money majorly so I have money for school and anything else I need. Plus I am making myself over. I am going to use some money, just a little to get some new clothes and maybe try out makeup and doing something with my hair like lightening it. Plus my mom is going to have me working out with her everyday so beware by Fall 2004 I am going to look like a brand new person and perhaps I can gain some perspective this summer and move past some of these issues.
Well I think this entry has been particularly lengthy so I am signing off so I can continue studying for my media literacy test I have in less than 4 hours! Adieu~Dora