(no subject)
i held little leah in my arms for the first time yesterday. she was asleep in my parents arms who got to hold her first. as soon as she got into my arms she opened her eyes and just looked at me and idk how to describe the feeling that went through me in that moment. it all sounds corny and i guess you have to experience it to understand but i felt like in that moment my entire life changed. kind of like that perks of being a wallflower quote that's appropriately tattooed on me "and in that moment...i swear we were infinite." granted she's not my kid but i feel so connected to her and we do share some of the same genes and so far she's got my chubby nose (hopefully she'll grow out of that haha). there's an additional reason i feel so attached to her but that's something no one will ever understand or find out...maybe i'll tell her one day, but i doubt it.
all today ive been feeling really vulnerable. perhaps it's the loneliness, perhaps it's because john and i are reestablishing our relationship through text messages and late night phone calls. i just need a good night of snugglin/schmoopin...i've waited 2 months, i can wait 2 more weeks. i went to john's house the other night to pick up leroy for obedience and i didn't feel uncomfortable. they know everything that happened and they still accept me. marianna ranted and raved about the hannah montana movie and how she's going to see disney's earth a million times so they plant a million trees in her name. jayne and i talked as we always do, i assured mother and sisters that i talked john out of getting his face tattooed and they were relieved to say the least haha. today laura called me out of the blue and we talked for about 10 minutes. it makes me so happy when she comes to me for advice. i doubt she realizes how much her friendship means to me but i was happy to be reassured that she still turns to me. she sent me a text after we hung up saying 'sorry for ranting, i'm just so confused haha' and i said 'dont say sorry, you know i'm always here for you.' and instead of saying thank you she said something that meant so much more. she said ... 'i know, that's why i called.'
those girls mean so much to me...i love knowing that they know i'm always there for them.
i feel like i'm on the brink of big things. on the brink of something great. but i feel like i'm teetering and i want stability. i want assurance.
i'm gonna go lay down and fall asleep to lucero who i'm newly hooked on.
all today ive been feeling really vulnerable. perhaps it's the loneliness, perhaps it's because john and i are reestablishing our relationship through text messages and late night phone calls. i just need a good night of snugglin/schmoopin...i've waited 2 months, i can wait 2 more weeks. i went to john's house the other night to pick up leroy for obedience and i didn't feel uncomfortable. they know everything that happened and they still accept me. marianna ranted and raved about the hannah montana movie and how she's going to see disney's earth a million times so they plant a million trees in her name. jayne and i talked as we always do, i assured mother and sisters that i talked john out of getting his face tattooed and they were relieved to say the least haha. today laura called me out of the blue and we talked for about 10 minutes. it makes me so happy when she comes to me for advice. i doubt she realizes how much her friendship means to me but i was happy to be reassured that she still turns to me. she sent me a text after we hung up saying 'sorry for ranting, i'm just so confused haha' and i said 'dont say sorry, you know i'm always here for you.' and instead of saying thank you she said something that meant so much more. she said ... 'i know, that's why i called.'
those girls mean so much to me...i love knowing that they know i'm always there for them.
i feel like i'm on the brink of big things. on the brink of something great. but i feel like i'm teetering and i want stability. i want assurance.
i'm gonna go lay down and fall asleep to lucero who i'm newly hooked on.