Weak and Hollow
Title: Weak and Hollow
Author: girl_dean
Characters/Pairing: Sam/girl!Dean (Dee)
Word count: 2559
Rated: NC-17
Disclaimer: Written for fun, not profit.
Notes: Pre-series. Takes place the night before Sam leaves for Stanford. Totally self-indulgent, my own personal Sam/girl!Dean canon.
Summary: Sam pushes...Dee breaks.
Sam is waiting for her when she gets home. Dee’s not surprised. Sam always waits up for her. He always asks her if she’s all right and then bitches in the same breath about how she shouldn’t be going to bars alone, and then wrinkles his nose and tells her she smells like beer.
Tonight is different though. Tonight Sam dropped his bombshell and once the dust settled, the kitchen was in shambles, and their little family had been torn apart. The tension from earlier is still thick in the air, making it hard for Dee to breathe. The kitchen is dark and Dee can smell the stench of liquor.
“Since when do you drink bourbon?” she asks, leaning against the door frame and giving her eyes a chance to adjust to the lack of light. Sam is sitting on the floor, his back against the counter, next to the upturned kitchen table. Dee doesn’t even think about turning on the light. She doesn’t want to see the look on her brother’s face. She can picture it clearly enough without seeing it.
“I didn’t think you were coming home,” Sam spits out. He slides a glass across floor and she can hear the clink of the bottle against it.
“Wasn’t going to,” Dee mumbles, pushing away from the door. God knows Dad isn’t coming home. Not tonight, maybe not for a while.
“Why did you?” Sam asks but Dee ignores him. She makes her way across the kitchen, her hands reaching out blindly in the dark to keep from bumping into something.
Sam drag himself up off the floor and grabs Dee’s arm so abruptly that she stumbles and he has to catch her.
“Damn it, Sam.” Dee tries to push him away, but Sam takes a hold of her other arm as well and pulls her against his chest. Dee can smell the alcohol on his breath and turns her head away.
“Why did you come back?” Sam asks, but Dee doesn’t answer. She doesn’t say, I came back for you, you jerk, because I wanted to see you, cause I love you, you stupid fucking asshole.
She shakes her head and tries to pull away from him but Sam’s grip remains firm.
“I can smell him on you.”
“What?” Dee asks. She tries to look up at Sam’s face. She can’t make him out clearly though. He’s all shadows and hard lines and she lets out an embarrassing squeak when his hands tighten.
“I said I can smell him on you.” It comes out sounding like a growl. Sam leans in close and Dee fights the urge to pull away. With his nose by her ear, Sam inhales sharply. “I can smell his stupid fucking cologne. Did you let him fuck you?”
“Let me go, Sam.”
“Who was he?”
“I said let me go.”
To her surprise, Sam lets her go. Dee glares up at him and rubs her arm. Sam glowers back at her and crosses his arms over his chest.
He doesn’t get to do this now. He doesn’t get to play jealous boyfriend and then leave her here alone like a jilted girlfriend. Without another word, Dee turns her back on her brother and goes down the hall to the house’s only bathroom. She locks herself inside and sits on the toilet with her head in her hands, trying to hold back the tears.
Maybe she should have stayed away...should have finished what she started with...what was his name again? Matt...Mike...whatever. But she wanted to see her little brother, one more time before he left her in his search for a better life. She wanted to say goodbye, but she’s not even sure she can do that now, not without looking like a fool and begging him to stay.
Dee ignores the sound of Sam pacing in the hallway outside the door and gets up to turn on the shower. She gets the water nice and hot and climbs in, sliding the glass shower door closed behind her.
The room fills up with steam and Dee tries to relax, but she keeps hearing Sam’s voice, the way he said, I got a full ride to Stanford, and I’m taking it. Her little brother, all grown up and ready to take on the world, all by himself. It terrified her. But she knew Sam, and if he was anything, he was stubborn. Nothing she could say would ever change his mind.
Dee’s just finishing washing her hair when she hears the click of the lock on the bathroom door opening. She peers through the steam covered shower door and sees the shadow of her brother entering the bathroom.
She should have known a lock wouldn’t keep him out. Thinking he just needs to piss, Dee says, “I can’t believe you couldn’t wait till I was done.”
She rinses her hair as she watches Sam’s shadow moving around on the other side of the door. She doesn’t realize what he’s doing until the shower door slides open and he is climbing in under the water next her.
She’s seen her brother naked before, but it’s been a while. Not since she noticed him looking, since she realized what that look meant for them. Dee may have looked back a little bit. Her little brother grew up to be a beautiful young man. Taller than Dee, solid, and strong from the rigorous training their father subjected them to. But that didn’t mean it was right and Dee had done her best to keep some distance between them ever since.
There isn’t much distance between them now though and Dee is so shaken that she nearly slips and falls on the wet floor. Sam closes the shower door as Dee braces herself with one hand and snaps, “Sam! What the hell do you think you’re doing? Get out!”
Not surprisingly, Sam doesn’t listen. In fact, he steps in even closer, forcing Dee to back up against the wall.
The shower is small, not really big enough for the both of them. Sam leans in, propping himself up with his hands on either side of Dee’s head. His cock is flushed and aroused.
Before he can even say anything, Dee forces out, “No.” Pushing Sam's arm away, she yanks open the door and climbs out of the shower, scraping her shoulder on the edge of the glass as she goes but she’s too shaken to notice.
Sam calls after her but Dee ignores him. Grabbing a towel, she runs for their bedroom, slamming the door and locking it behind her. The lock won’t keep Sam out for long but it can buy her a few minutes if he is determined to follow her.
She doesn’t have time to dry off completely but she does her best as she scans the room for something to wear. There isn’t much. All her clothes are in a duffel bag in the living room, waiting to go to the laundromat. Fortunately, Dee finds one pair of forgotten underwear and one of Sam’s old t-shirts lying on the closet floor. The t-shirt hangs down past her knees but it will have to do.
She has to get out of there. Even if she has to climb out the fucking window. Before she can even think about it though, there is a knock on the door.
“Dee?” Sam calls, wiggling the doorknob. “We need to talk.”
“Forget about it, Sam.” Dee says. Grabbing her shoes, she heads for the window. She makes it there with one shoe on and one shoe off, but the window won’t budge.
“Going somewhere?”
Dee spins around to find Sam in the doorway, the lock pick their dad gave him for this 13 birthday still in his hand. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers and his hair is slicked back and dripping onto his bare shoulders.
They stare long and hard at each other, a battle of wills, neither willing to break.
When Sam says Dee’s name, the tension between them cracks like a whip, jerking Dee back to her senses. She makes a futile attempt at getting to the door but Sam shuts it before she even gets close.
With his back to the door, Sam raises his hands, like he’s trying to calm a wild animal, and says, “Wait.”
Shaking her head, Dee says, “Get out of my way.” She tries to push Sam away from the door but he doesn’t even budge and Jesus when did her little brother get so fucking big?
“Move.” Dee grinds out, still pushing, but Sam just rolls his eyes.
Anger slices through her, hot and sharp, and Dee slaps her brother on the chest as hard as she can. The imprint of her hand stands out stark and red. Sam ignores it, like he doesn’t even feel it, which only pisses Dee off more.
“You think this is some kind of fucking joke?” Dee cries. She goes to smack him again but Sam grabs her wrists before she can strike.
When she tries to pull away, he snaps, “Stop it.” Dee doesn’t stop though. She can’t. Because if she stops, if she stays here, she knows...she knows what will happen and she can’t. She just can’t let that happen. No matter how much both of them might want it.
“Damn it, Sam. Just let me go! Let me leave!”
Sam growls, he actually fucking growls. He spins Dee around so her back is to the door and holds her there, immobile, his body pressed up hard against her. Heat floods through Dee, bringing a warm flush to her face. She turns her face away and her stomach twists with something she can only wish was disgust.
“You can’t fucking tell me you don’t want this.” Sam says, warm breath against the side of Dee’s face. “I know you do. I know you feel it too.”
Dee risks a glance up at him but the look in his eyes is so full of heat, it makes her knees weak and her heart pound. She forces her eyes away.
“No.” Sam says. He takes her chin in his hands and turns her back to face him. “Look at me.” Dee refuses to look. She closes her eyes but she can still feel him. So close. Her skin is hyper aware of just how close her brother is and the heat is spreading between her legs and Oh God.
Sam leans down, resting his forehead is against hers. “I have to. Just once before...please. Just...let me.”
He presses a soft kiss over Dee’s mouth. When she lets out a light gasp, Sam slips his tongue past her lips and Dee’s whole body flushes hot as it glides, smooth and wet against hers. Her hands land on his chest as Sam licks into her mouth, tongue demanding entrance. Dee lets him in, lets him take whatever he wants, because she doesn’t know how not to.
They pull apart only long enough to breathe and then they’re kissing again. This kiss is harder, demanding, and Dee finds herself opening for it instinctually, the press of Sam’s lips short circuiting all higher brain function. Sam drops his hands to Dee’s hips and pulls her closer, until she’s pressed up snug against him. Dee whimpers and clings to Sam’s bare shoulders. Sam groans, presses closer, pushes his leg between hers.
Oh my God, this is so fucked up. She should be trying to stop him. She should be pushing him away but she isn’t. Instead, her hands slide around to his back. The long muscles tremble briefly under her fingers. Dee realizes once more just how big Sam is. Being around him so much, she forgets sometimes, but now his body envelops her. She clings to him as he pushes closer, kissing her harder before suddenly pulling away, leaving her gasping.
“The guy tonight...did you fuck him?” She can hear the contempt in his voice, the hatred, the suffering.
Dee shakes her head. “No. I didn’t, I swear.”
The relief on Sam’s face is palpable. He kisses her again and Dee finally accepts, for the first time, just how much she wants him to do it. For the first time, she truly kisses him back. She holds on to him, feeling light headed, her heart racing out of control. She doesn’t protest when he pulls the oversized t-shirt up and over her head, throws it to the floor. His hands move over her breasts, like he is memorizing the curves of her body with an intimacy that needs no consent from her, no permission. Her fear is useless. She’ll let him do what he wants. That final decision was the hardest part. Now it feels easy.
When Sam’s hand slides inside her panties, fingers searching, Dee can’t help but spread her legs wider, giving him room. Sam presses a thick finger inside her, pulls it out and slides the slick up and over her clit. Dee bucks her hips, gasping for air as Sam’s fingers work over her, gentle at first, then harder. Dee’s eyes are closed and Sam whispers, “Look at me.” Dee obeys, looking up at her brother. Looking in Sam’s eyes, it doesn’t take long. Her legs shake as her back arches and she’s coming. The rush tears through her and she rides the sensation until it peaks and her whole body goes limp. Sam catches her as her legs give out, arms wrapped tight around her until she can stand on her own again.
Trembling, Sam lowers his head, damp hair falling in his face, as he reaches down inside his boxers and palms his dick. His stomach muscles clench and spasm as he starts to stroke himself. Dee watches avidly as Sam starts breathing harder, groaning softly as he jerks himself off, rough and fast. Seconds later, he groans deep in his throat as he comes, finally dropping his head to rest on Dee’s shoulder. They cling to each other as Sam’s breathing starts to slow.
The guilt hits Dee hard and sudden so she pushes lightly at Sam’s chest in a sudden need for some space. Sam doesn’t budge. Only his shoulders start to shake and Dee hears his hitching intake of breath.
“Sammy...” Dee whispers softly, her arms coming up to wrap around her brothers shoulders. She holds her brother close as he tries to regain his composure. A heavy weight in Dee's chest grips her heart and squeezes, making it hard to breathe, and she lets her own head drop down on to Sam’s shoulder, defeated.
They stand there mutely, just holding each other for a long moment, before Sam finally pulls away. Dee lets him lead her across the room to one of the single beds. He pulls her down onto the soft mattress next to him and Dee curls up with Sam at her back, his long arms wrapped around her, holding her close. She waits for him to say something, but her brother stays silent, and Dee eventually falls asleep to the sound of his breathing, not before recognizing though that this is the last time she’ll be able to do so.
The next morning, Dee wakes up to her brother gone. The house is silent around her and she can only lie there and bear it, wondering how to survive it.
Author: girl_dean
Characters/Pairing: Sam/girl!Dean (Dee)
Word count: 2559
Rated: NC-17
Disclaimer: Written for fun, not profit.
Notes: Pre-series. Takes place the night before Sam leaves for Stanford. Totally self-indulgent, my own personal Sam/girl!Dean canon.
Summary: Sam pushes...Dee breaks.
Sam is waiting for her when she gets home. Dee’s not surprised. Sam always waits up for her. He always asks her if she’s all right and then bitches in the same breath about how she shouldn’t be going to bars alone, and then wrinkles his nose and tells her she smells like beer.
Tonight is different though. Tonight Sam dropped his bombshell and once the dust settled, the kitchen was in shambles, and their little family had been torn apart. The tension from earlier is still thick in the air, making it hard for Dee to breathe. The kitchen is dark and Dee can smell the stench of liquor.
“Since when do you drink bourbon?” she asks, leaning against the door frame and giving her eyes a chance to adjust to the lack of light. Sam is sitting on the floor, his back against the counter, next to the upturned kitchen table. Dee doesn’t even think about turning on the light. She doesn’t want to see the look on her brother’s face. She can picture it clearly enough without seeing it.
“I didn’t think you were coming home,” Sam spits out. He slides a glass across floor and she can hear the clink of the bottle against it.
“Wasn’t going to,” Dee mumbles, pushing away from the door. God knows Dad isn’t coming home. Not tonight, maybe not for a while.
“Why did you?” Sam asks but Dee ignores him. She makes her way across the kitchen, her hands reaching out blindly in the dark to keep from bumping into something.
Sam drag himself up off the floor and grabs Dee’s arm so abruptly that she stumbles and he has to catch her.
“Damn it, Sam.” Dee tries to push him away, but Sam takes a hold of her other arm as well and pulls her against his chest. Dee can smell the alcohol on his breath and turns her head away.
“Why did you come back?” Sam asks, but Dee doesn’t answer. She doesn’t say, I came back for you, you jerk, because I wanted to see you, cause I love you, you stupid fucking asshole.
She shakes her head and tries to pull away from him but Sam’s grip remains firm.
“I can smell him on you.”
“What?” Dee asks. She tries to look up at Sam’s face. She can’t make him out clearly though. He’s all shadows and hard lines and she lets out an embarrassing squeak when his hands tighten.
“I said I can smell him on you.” It comes out sounding like a growl. Sam leans in close and Dee fights the urge to pull away. With his nose by her ear, Sam inhales sharply. “I can smell his stupid fucking cologne. Did you let him fuck you?”
“Let me go, Sam.”
“Who was he?”
“I said let me go.”
To her surprise, Sam lets her go. Dee glares up at him and rubs her arm. Sam glowers back at her and crosses his arms over his chest.
He doesn’t get to do this now. He doesn’t get to play jealous boyfriend and then leave her here alone like a jilted girlfriend. Without another word, Dee turns her back on her brother and goes down the hall to the house’s only bathroom. She locks herself inside and sits on the toilet with her head in her hands, trying to hold back the tears.
Maybe she should have stayed away...should have finished what she started with...what was his name again? Matt...Mike...whatever. But she wanted to see her little brother, one more time before he left her in his search for a better life. She wanted to say goodbye, but she’s not even sure she can do that now, not without looking like a fool and begging him to stay.
Dee ignores the sound of Sam pacing in the hallway outside the door and gets up to turn on the shower. She gets the water nice and hot and climbs in, sliding the glass shower door closed behind her.
The room fills up with steam and Dee tries to relax, but she keeps hearing Sam’s voice, the way he said, I got a full ride to Stanford, and I’m taking it. Her little brother, all grown up and ready to take on the world, all by himself. It terrified her. But she knew Sam, and if he was anything, he was stubborn. Nothing she could say would ever change his mind.
Dee’s just finishing washing her hair when she hears the click of the lock on the bathroom door opening. She peers through the steam covered shower door and sees the shadow of her brother entering the bathroom.
She should have known a lock wouldn’t keep him out. Thinking he just needs to piss, Dee says, “I can’t believe you couldn’t wait till I was done.”
She rinses her hair as she watches Sam’s shadow moving around on the other side of the door. She doesn’t realize what he’s doing until the shower door slides open and he is climbing in under the water next her.
She’s seen her brother naked before, but it’s been a while. Not since she noticed him looking, since she realized what that look meant for them. Dee may have looked back a little bit. Her little brother grew up to be a beautiful young man. Taller than Dee, solid, and strong from the rigorous training their father subjected them to. But that didn’t mean it was right and Dee had done her best to keep some distance between them ever since.
There isn’t much distance between them now though and Dee is so shaken that she nearly slips and falls on the wet floor. Sam closes the shower door as Dee braces herself with one hand and snaps, “Sam! What the hell do you think you’re doing? Get out!”
Not surprisingly, Sam doesn’t listen. In fact, he steps in even closer, forcing Dee to back up against the wall.
The shower is small, not really big enough for the both of them. Sam leans in, propping himself up with his hands on either side of Dee’s head. His cock is flushed and aroused.
Before he can even say anything, Dee forces out, “No.” Pushing Sam's arm away, she yanks open the door and climbs out of the shower, scraping her shoulder on the edge of the glass as she goes but she’s too shaken to notice.
Sam calls after her but Dee ignores him. Grabbing a towel, she runs for their bedroom, slamming the door and locking it behind her. The lock won’t keep Sam out for long but it can buy her a few minutes if he is determined to follow her.
She doesn’t have time to dry off completely but she does her best as she scans the room for something to wear. There isn’t much. All her clothes are in a duffel bag in the living room, waiting to go to the laundromat. Fortunately, Dee finds one pair of forgotten underwear and one of Sam’s old t-shirts lying on the closet floor. The t-shirt hangs down past her knees but it will have to do.
She has to get out of there. Even if she has to climb out the fucking window. Before she can even think about it though, there is a knock on the door.
“Dee?” Sam calls, wiggling the doorknob. “We need to talk.”
“Forget about it, Sam.” Dee says. Grabbing her shoes, she heads for the window. She makes it there with one shoe on and one shoe off, but the window won’t budge.
“Going somewhere?”
Dee spins around to find Sam in the doorway, the lock pick their dad gave him for this 13 birthday still in his hand. He’s wearing nothing but his boxers and his hair is slicked back and dripping onto his bare shoulders.
They stare long and hard at each other, a battle of wills, neither willing to break.
When Sam says Dee’s name, the tension between them cracks like a whip, jerking Dee back to her senses. She makes a futile attempt at getting to the door but Sam shuts it before she even gets close.
With his back to the door, Sam raises his hands, like he’s trying to calm a wild animal, and says, “Wait.”
Shaking her head, Dee says, “Get out of my way.” She tries to push Sam away from the door but he doesn’t even budge and Jesus when did her little brother get so fucking big?
“Move.” Dee grinds out, still pushing, but Sam just rolls his eyes.
Anger slices through her, hot and sharp, and Dee slaps her brother on the chest as hard as she can. The imprint of her hand stands out stark and red. Sam ignores it, like he doesn’t even feel it, which only pisses Dee off more.
“You think this is some kind of fucking joke?” Dee cries. She goes to smack him again but Sam grabs her wrists before she can strike.
When she tries to pull away, he snaps, “Stop it.” Dee doesn’t stop though. She can’t. Because if she stops, if she stays here, she knows...she knows what will happen and she can’t. She just can’t let that happen. No matter how much both of them might want it.
“Damn it, Sam. Just let me go! Let me leave!”
Sam growls, he actually fucking growls. He spins Dee around so her back is to the door and holds her there, immobile, his body pressed up hard against her. Heat floods through Dee, bringing a warm flush to her face. She turns her face away and her stomach twists with something she can only wish was disgust.
“You can’t fucking tell me you don’t want this.” Sam says, warm breath against the side of Dee’s face. “I know you do. I know you feel it too.”
Dee risks a glance up at him but the look in his eyes is so full of heat, it makes her knees weak and her heart pound. She forces her eyes away.
“No.” Sam says. He takes her chin in his hands and turns her back to face him. “Look at me.” Dee refuses to look. She closes her eyes but she can still feel him. So close. Her skin is hyper aware of just how close her brother is and the heat is spreading between her legs and Oh God.
Sam leans down, resting his forehead is against hers. “I have to. Just once before...please. Just...let me.”
He presses a soft kiss over Dee’s mouth. When she lets out a light gasp, Sam slips his tongue past her lips and Dee’s whole body flushes hot as it glides, smooth and wet against hers. Her hands land on his chest as Sam licks into her mouth, tongue demanding entrance. Dee lets him in, lets him take whatever he wants, because she doesn’t know how not to.
They pull apart only long enough to breathe and then they’re kissing again. This kiss is harder, demanding, and Dee finds herself opening for it instinctually, the press of Sam’s lips short circuiting all higher brain function. Sam drops his hands to Dee’s hips and pulls her closer, until she’s pressed up snug against him. Dee whimpers and clings to Sam’s bare shoulders. Sam groans, presses closer, pushes his leg between hers.
Oh my God, this is so fucked up. She should be trying to stop him. She should be pushing him away but she isn’t. Instead, her hands slide around to his back. The long muscles tremble briefly under her fingers. Dee realizes once more just how big Sam is. Being around him so much, she forgets sometimes, but now his body envelops her. She clings to him as he pushes closer, kissing her harder before suddenly pulling away, leaving her gasping.
“The guy tonight...did you fuck him?” She can hear the contempt in his voice, the hatred, the suffering.
Dee shakes her head. “No. I didn’t, I swear.”
The relief on Sam’s face is palpable. He kisses her again and Dee finally accepts, for the first time, just how much she wants him to do it. For the first time, she truly kisses him back. She holds on to him, feeling light headed, her heart racing out of control. She doesn’t protest when he pulls the oversized t-shirt up and over her head, throws it to the floor. His hands move over her breasts, like he is memorizing the curves of her body with an intimacy that needs no consent from her, no permission. Her fear is useless. She’ll let him do what he wants. That final decision was the hardest part. Now it feels easy.
When Sam’s hand slides inside her panties, fingers searching, Dee can’t help but spread her legs wider, giving him room. Sam presses a thick finger inside her, pulls it out and slides the slick up and over her clit. Dee bucks her hips, gasping for air as Sam’s fingers work over her, gentle at first, then harder. Dee’s eyes are closed and Sam whispers, “Look at me.” Dee obeys, looking up at her brother. Looking in Sam’s eyes, it doesn’t take long. Her legs shake as her back arches and she’s coming. The rush tears through her and she rides the sensation until it peaks and her whole body goes limp. Sam catches her as her legs give out, arms wrapped tight around her until she can stand on her own again.
Trembling, Sam lowers his head, damp hair falling in his face, as he reaches down inside his boxers and palms his dick. His stomach muscles clench and spasm as he starts to stroke himself. Dee watches avidly as Sam starts breathing harder, groaning softly as he jerks himself off, rough and fast. Seconds later, he groans deep in his throat as he comes, finally dropping his head to rest on Dee’s shoulder. They cling to each other as Sam’s breathing starts to slow.
The guilt hits Dee hard and sudden so she pushes lightly at Sam’s chest in a sudden need for some space. Sam doesn’t budge. Only his shoulders start to shake and Dee hears his hitching intake of breath.
“Sammy...” Dee whispers softly, her arms coming up to wrap around her brothers shoulders. She holds her brother close as he tries to regain his composure. A heavy weight in Dee's chest grips her heart and squeezes, making it hard to breathe, and she lets her own head drop down on to Sam’s shoulder, defeated.
They stand there mutely, just holding each other for a long moment, before Sam finally pulls away. Dee lets him lead her across the room to one of the single beds. He pulls her down onto the soft mattress next to him and Dee curls up with Sam at her back, his long arms wrapped around her, holding her close. She waits for him to say something, but her brother stays silent, and Dee eventually falls asleep to the sound of his breathing, not before recognizing though that this is the last time she’ll be able to do so.
The next morning, Dee wakes up to her brother gone. The house is silent around her and she can only lie there and bear it, wondering how to survive it.