It is september...
life.
such an interesting topic these days.
life is good. life is rough. life is high. life is low. life is unbearable. life is so joyful i will explode.
what a ride.
anyway, i have been reading back over my livejournal today. it's interesting to see how i have changed. to quote the musical wicked "who knows if i have been changed for the better, but... i have been changed for good". In some ways I feel like i have changed in wonderful ways, finally growing up and learning in ways i have needed to. In others, i feel like I have almost changed back. Not really changed back, because I don't believe we are ever the same as we once were. But more like, growing up and having these experiences have forced me to see the real world. That change is, yes neccessary, but can mess with your mind. It's like I no longer have my little naive ways of thinking that were always so positive and encouraging. I dunno, I don't really know how to explain what I mean! and like I said, in some ways I can't decide if it is a good thing or a bad thing or just a thing that happens that we have to deal with. I think maybe that is what it is. The next lesson to learn, when your little happy bubble is burst, learning to find that same happiness DESPITE what the world says. For a time I became very open and very willing to share every thought and feeling and outwardly look for the meaning in life. I still do these things, but I keep them inside more now. I'm not sure the cause, whether I am scared of rejection, getting hurt again, or because I spend so much time alone that I have a hard time expressing those things when I am around people. I guess I feel like I am changing once again, but I am trying to decide if I like the change. Hopefully it is just the "discomfort of learning" for, you are not learning unless you are uncomfortable. And when I come out of this one I will be a better and stronger person.
I know I have seemed really negative lately in my writing. I guess that is because I tend to write when I want to vent or am frustrated. I'm really not negative all the time. In fact I try to be quite positive! Things really are happening for me. I had the opportunity today to go to institute, that was a great thing! I'm pretty much really excited about that. Hopefully I will be able to go more often. I miss it. It is a strength that I know I need in my life. I have also been trying to improve my scripture study habits. Yes, I've always been one to "read everyday", but it has become just that. Reading, not really getting anything out of it. Already I can tell a difference. It's amazing how many times we learn that lesson (or any lesson for that matter) yet we always forget and have to learn it again. Like in institute today we talked about Joseph Smith and how it took him 4 years to get the plates. I'd never really thought or wondered why other than "he wasn't ready for them" but as we talked in depth about it and how the lord was teaching him specific things. How he thought he was ready, then the Lord showed him how he wasn't and how we have to take the initiative and do what we know. And how we want to learn our lessons right now, but so often it takes time and effort.
Ok, I have thoroughly gone on and on! I think I am done. Just had a few random thoughts to let out. Yet I know I will probably be the only one who ever reads this whole thing through (who knows, maybe I won't even read it all! haha!) but its good to have a place to let it out!
have a happy day :0)
such an interesting topic these days.
life is good. life is rough. life is high. life is low. life is unbearable. life is so joyful i will explode.
what a ride.
anyway, i have been reading back over my livejournal today. it's interesting to see how i have changed. to quote the musical wicked "who knows if i have been changed for the better, but... i have been changed for good". In some ways I feel like i have changed in wonderful ways, finally growing up and learning in ways i have needed to. In others, i feel like I have almost changed back. Not really changed back, because I don't believe we are ever the same as we once were. But more like, growing up and having these experiences have forced me to see the real world. That change is, yes neccessary, but can mess with your mind. It's like I no longer have my little naive ways of thinking that were always so positive and encouraging. I dunno, I don't really know how to explain what I mean! and like I said, in some ways I can't decide if it is a good thing or a bad thing or just a thing that happens that we have to deal with. I think maybe that is what it is. The next lesson to learn, when your little happy bubble is burst, learning to find that same happiness DESPITE what the world says. For a time I became very open and very willing to share every thought and feeling and outwardly look for the meaning in life. I still do these things, but I keep them inside more now. I'm not sure the cause, whether I am scared of rejection, getting hurt again, or because I spend so much time alone that I have a hard time expressing those things when I am around people. I guess I feel like I am changing once again, but I am trying to decide if I like the change. Hopefully it is just the "discomfort of learning" for, you are not learning unless you are uncomfortable. And when I come out of this one I will be a better and stronger person.
I know I have seemed really negative lately in my writing. I guess that is because I tend to write when I want to vent or am frustrated. I'm really not negative all the time. In fact I try to be quite positive! Things really are happening for me. I had the opportunity today to go to institute, that was a great thing! I'm pretty much really excited about that. Hopefully I will be able to go more often. I miss it. It is a strength that I know I need in my life. I have also been trying to improve my scripture study habits. Yes, I've always been one to "read everyday", but it has become just that. Reading, not really getting anything out of it. Already I can tell a difference. It's amazing how many times we learn that lesson (or any lesson for that matter) yet we always forget and have to learn it again. Like in institute today we talked about Joseph Smith and how it took him 4 years to get the plates. I'd never really thought or wondered why other than "he wasn't ready for them" but as we talked in depth about it and how the lord was teaching him specific things. How he thought he was ready, then the Lord showed him how he wasn't and how we have to take the initiative and do what we know. And how we want to learn our lessons right now, but so often it takes time and effort.
Ok, I have thoroughly gone on and on! I think I am done. Just had a few random thoughts to let out. Yet I know I will probably be the only one who ever reads this whole thing through (who knows, maybe I won't even read it all! haha!) but its good to have a place to let it out!
have a happy day :0)