Jaunuary
This month is full of landmines. I can't go a whole day without thinking about what was happening to me 6 years ago, in 2015. I can't look at my FB memories without being seriously triggered. I feel like I am full of broken glass.
Today was the day that it happened. I can't even remember what happened on this day, January 26th. I can't even remember the exact timeline. It hurts to think about it still. It hurts to think about how much time has gone by since then and it hurts to know that there is nothing that I can do to take this feeling away except feeling it and waiting for it to stop.
I filled out paperwork for my new job yesterday. My start date is forever going to be January 25th. That was the day that other stuff happened. I can't remember what happened that day. But I know that stuff happened. Someday I want to look at the calendar and be excited for my anniversary with my company instead of feeling the spikes of the past.
It's been 6 years since it happened. 6 fucking years. My son was only 6 when it happened. That was half of his life ago. I guess it feels strange that it's been so long since I got to see my baby. My baby left me in January of 2015. My child was different when he returned. I never saw my baby ever again. It's been 6 years since I've been able to hold my baby. It's been 6 years that I have been trying to get my child to trust me again after other people ruined my relationship with my only child for me. Sometimes I feel like my son is "on my side", other times it feels like he is still 3,000 miles away.
I'm just so sick and tired of being so fucking angry all the time about this. There isn't anything I can do at this point. The people who are still living who hurt me are set in their ways of thought. They firmly believe that they were correct in their actions. They don't seem to care at all that what they did hurt me and continues to leave me wounded. Would it make it hurt less if they did? Would it stop hurting if my mom sent me an email that said "I'm sorry that I hurt you"? At this point, I wouldn't believe any kind words I heard from those people. I feel like they would do anything to be able to be in my child's life. Even lie.
Today was the day that it happened. I can't even remember what happened on this day, January 26th. I can't even remember the exact timeline. It hurts to think about it still. It hurts to think about how much time has gone by since then and it hurts to know that there is nothing that I can do to take this feeling away except feeling it and waiting for it to stop.
I filled out paperwork for my new job yesterday. My start date is forever going to be January 25th. That was the day that other stuff happened. I can't remember what happened that day. But I know that stuff happened. Someday I want to look at the calendar and be excited for my anniversary with my company instead of feeling the spikes of the past.
It's been 6 years since it happened. 6 fucking years. My son was only 6 when it happened. That was half of his life ago. I guess it feels strange that it's been so long since I got to see my baby. My baby left me in January of 2015. My child was different when he returned. I never saw my baby ever again. It's been 6 years since I've been able to hold my baby. It's been 6 years that I have been trying to get my child to trust me again after other people ruined my relationship with my only child for me. Sometimes I feel like my son is "on my side", other times it feels like he is still 3,000 miles away.
I'm just so sick and tired of being so fucking angry all the time about this. There isn't anything I can do at this point. The people who are still living who hurt me are set in their ways of thought. They firmly believe that they were correct in their actions. They don't seem to care at all that what they did hurt me and continues to leave me wounded. Would it make it hurt less if they did? Would it stop hurting if my mom sent me an email that said "I'm sorry that I hurt you"? At this point, I wouldn't believe any kind words I heard from those people. I feel like they would do anything to be able to be in my child's life. Even lie.