(no subject)
Learning to hold the pencil lightly... learning when to stop adding layers to a painting... learning to take the time for a thumbnail sketch...
Learning to allow a good night's sleep before you declare any decisions.
I have a decent amount of self-discipline nowadays. Enough to feel okay enough to live another day.
Sometimes you gotta cut people out. It will hurt a bit, but it will be okay. Everything is always okay.
The thing is... when I see an Ego so explosive, I have to take a step back. I have to trust my gut. Punching walls... self-harm... I can't be around that. If it was a one time thing, it'd be understandable, but it's been repeated in such a short time.
On top of that, seeing how reactive and unnecessarily rude she was willing to be just because I dared ask for help. In her twisted little mind, she has a completely different story and understanding of what happened, what's been happening, what is happening now.
I may love her children dearly, but I can live without them for a while. I have art and other ways of having love in my life. I chose her over everyone else and when the tables turned, she wasn't there for me.
When people's actions say something different than their words when they're trying to avoid a lecture... trust in the actions. The actions are violent, ego-driven, destructive, defensive, etc. We were okay for a while but something is going on and there couldn't be any clearer signs that this is time to step back.
I can handle loneliness. I'm used to it and I've been working on coping with it for over a decade. I didn't numb myself and I had a leg to stand on. I'mma be okay.
I love those children but at the end of the day, I have to take care of myself. If I stick around much longer, I am risking getting injured again. She broke my nose once, she'll do it again. The first time is the hardest... after that, it just gets easier.
So... goodbye my sister. I will see you again, I'm sure. I hope you find your way. I hope you learn to put the sword down and just let go. It will be difficult and it may take some hardships... but that's your journey to take. I've been through mine. I've learned from mistakes.
