Self Love September Day 14: Body Positivity
An ex once said to me, "I would divorce you if you got fat."
High School - I thought I was fat. The doctor told me that if I lost any more weight, there would be a problem.
I'm taking a break from worrying about it. If anything, my "fat" gives me x-ray vision into who is a decent person or not. I was a very beautiful girl in high school. I had no clue but looking back it's so obvious. And you know what?
The fact is, my body is not here to look good. My body is here to move me through the world. We teach little girls that their bodies are projects to constantly be "improved" and we teach boys that their bodies are tools to navigate the world. I made a choice back in 2013 that I would begin to see my body in this way. I chose to stop focusing on how I look to others, and instead focus on my experience of others.
I've found that confidence is the most sexy thing anyone can have. I have confidence that looks do not matter. And you know what? I've never been more loved or more wanted by the opposite sex in my life. When I was busy working out every day and straightening my hair... I was never present. I was always wondering what someone else thought of me.
Now that I'm more present and focused on what matters, my self esteem and my relationships are overall so much better.
As of right now, I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I haven't had a gym membership in 3 years. I would certainly like to work out again, but it's not worth the money. I'm on the hunt to find a physical activity that doesn't bore me to death and doesn't cost an arm and a leg. I do care about my health. I want to live as long as possible... I can't wait to see the changes this world has in store. But I'm not going to worry myself about it right now. I'm focused on my mental health and my artistic development at this moment.