Wet Dreams (Trigger Warning!)
For the last few years I've been consistently dreaming about swimming in large bodies of water. I couldn't possibly recall all of them, but the memorable ones were massive sized pools, skate park parties at the bottom of pools, huge lakes and beaches... Just all kinds of water. They're never scary. There's no tsunamis or tidal waves threatening me. In fact, dreams with waves are the most exciting. Even in waking life, there's no better part of going to the beach than jumping with the waves. I love to let them carry me up high.
Anyways, in the dreams I sometimes swim ridiculous distances. I can travel a whole town by going to different parts of the lake shores. I'm usually with friends or family when water shows up.
When it comes to dream interpretation, I'm more of a Jungian than Freudian. I don't believe that water has one meaning for everyone's dreams. I don't think all cigars in dreams mean "penis." I agree with Jung that we all have a basic mythology as well as a personal one. I've read in one decent dream book that water in dreams, especially deep waters, refer to the subconscious and deepest hidden feelings. It's nice to think that I'm thriving when it comes to facing my Shadow, admitting my deepest emotions and allowing my subconscious mind to guide me when I'm in a meditative or deeply inspired and creative state of mind.
I can't shake off the idea that these waters symbolize the ease in which I navigate the subconscious realm in a way I never could before.
Here is where the trigger warning comes in...
It was just a few years ago that I learned about my childhood sexual abuse trauma, I never understood my irrational but extreme fear of slugs, worms, putting a penis near my mouth... But the documents explained everything.. There are transcripts with a psychologist I had to meet with a few times. The symbolism and the way I was so preoccupied with cops and people not telling the truth. This was all through "games" I played... Reading a transcript of a self that you have no memory of ever being is CREEPY, at least in this context.
Shortly after receiving these documents, I was hospitalized. A therapist took me seriously when I told her that "it's not that I have any plan to kill myself, but I do hope that something sudden happens and I'm gone... The amount of effort it takes just to exist is too overwhelming... " I was ready to just give up everything and to get out of my head I would have done anything. Then I was homeless and re-traumatized by the fact that most sex offenders live in the shelter because they can't find housing... Needless to say, I was in a battle zone. I didn't sleep for a week. I started hallucinating... something I had never experienced before. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was thousands of eyes... all drawn differently, like a sketchbook spread by a million different artists. All the eyes were looking at me and blinking and staring.
Eventually I was able to relax and feel safe there. I was really forced to use my coping skills on a constant basis. My favorite PTSD coping technique is going through the alphabet and naming fruits that start with each letter. Sometimes I did book titles, names, animals, songs, bands, famous people, etc. IT'S SUCH AN EFFECTIVE TECHNIQUE. The amount of mental energy it takes to go through the list and fight the urges to throw my bad vibes at whoever was around me. As Tolle likes to say, the Pain Body and Ego can really overtake me when I'm triggered. I become angry, and therefore unable to think logically and very physically uncomfortable. These techniques, along with other meditations that require me to recite some phrases or affirmations (prayers, spells, etc.) seriously helped me not do something absolutely crazy while living in true chaos.
Learning to be kind to people you KNOW have sexually abused children is not easy. I have some good days and I have some bad days. When my meditation routine is tight, there's no problem in feeling patience and unconditional positive regard. I can walk into the shelter and see everyone with loving eyes, wishing to ease their pains and childhood traumas...
It was after this time that the water dreams started coming. I kid you not. I started dreaming a LOT more in general because of a medication I had just started. My psychiatrist warned me that my dreams would become a lot more vivid. I wonder how that works... anyways... there have been several major recurring themes since this time, but they're a tad too personal even for me to share on a public livejournal post. But water was the first one to make itself known. I've made an effort ever since to swim more. I've learned that it's the one way lately that I love to relate to my body. I love the sensuality of water. It completely covers you. Every inch. It can take all of the weight you carry off of your shoulders. It offers silence and solitude even in a crowd. It really is an astonishing element. I'm an Earth sign and don't have much Water in my chart, but perhaps there's a Sea Goddess in me ready to come out now.