Advice for the Anxious Attached (Self Diagnosed)
2. Do not play the aloof, cool, or distant partner
"Popular dating guidelines encourage people to play it cool at the outset of a relationship; never show that you have strong feelings for your partner and try to involve yourself in activities that don’t include them, even if you’d rather not. In other words, don’t be the needy, desperate, or anxious partner.
This approach is incompatible with the anxious relationship style. Anxious partners do become strongly attached to their significant others and want to be close to them. Trying to avoid these very real needs causes stress and worry. Instead, show your feelings in secure ways - let your partner clearly know that you want to be able to rely on them and be close to them. If your partner is put off by this then they likely aren’t the partner for you."
"Nonetheless, as an anxious person, you may find yourself attracted to avoidant partners. The avoidant presents them as self-reliant and reassured, which is attractive to someone with an anxious attachment style who often wishes they could be more self-sufficient. In addition, the mixed signals that an avoidant sends may seem to you like they are opening up to true intimacy, when actuality the avoidant person will never enjoy the amount of closeness you do."
"Popular dating guidelines encourage people to play it cool at the outset of a relationship; never show that you have strong feelings for your partner and try to involve yourself in activities that don’t include them, even if you’d rather not. In other words, don’t be the needy, desperate, or anxious partner.
This approach is incompatible with the anxious relationship style. Anxious partners do become strongly attached to their significant others and want to be close to them. Trying to avoid these very real needs causes stress and worry. Instead, show your feelings in secure ways - let your partner clearly know that you want to be able to rely on them and be close to them. If your partner is put off by this then they likely aren’t the partner for you."
"Nonetheless, as an anxious person, you may find yourself attracted to avoidant partners. The avoidant presents them as self-reliant and reassured, which is attractive to someone with an anxious attachment style who often wishes they could be more self-sufficient. In addition, the mixed signals that an avoidant sends may seem to you like they are opening up to true intimacy, when actuality the avoidant person will never enjoy the amount of closeness you do."