im bored outta my mind and just feel like writing....
ok so winter break is almost over. it will soon be a year since cecil and i broke and i can still say i miss him terribly. however the pain has mostly ebbed away. since i cannot remember the date he and i broke up for the life of me, i will consider it a year after January 17th. i hav had no relationships in this past year with boys and dont really expect another one for a long time. landon yet again did not follow through but meh w/e disappointment is nothing new to me...especially coming from boys. i am officially 18 years old and an "adult." all i want is for spring break to come so i can be with dani. all i want is to be happy again like i was a lil over a year ago, and i dont think i can acheive that here. ive been better lately but its still been very difficult especially because it seems almost impossible for my mother to just support me. it seems she has a need to ridicule wat i want to do with my life and belittles me every chance she gets. she says some things to me and its like dont u even kno me??? i just want a supportive environment. i want to b around people who believe in me and will support me no matter wat i do because they trust my judgement. im tired of having to prove myself, im tired of all the stress. i want to love again, truth b told; but im terrified and its not like any opportunities have arisen either. i just want to be with my wifey...someone who knows all of my inner workings and accepts me as i am...knowing everything ive done...good and bad. yes she is a woman but i love her with all my heart. she understands me and how my mind works. she doesnt repell me because i cry. haha here come the tears...it seems crying is all ive ever been truly good at. i wonder y it is that i feel so much pain. my aunt had this numerology cd made for me and it said that the reason so many bad things were happening to me now was that in my past lives id done bad things and was therefore paying for them now. its not fair. y now? y wen in this life i hav done nothing terrible, i am paying for the evil done by my previous lives...which i had no tru control over? y didnt "i" pay for them wen i did them? y do i hav to pay for them now? many times over this past year i have wanted to give up...to just disappear...and die. this past year has definitely been my hardest, and its taken alot for me to not give up. the truth is i still feel that way but i hav it under control...with all the practice ive had. i may seem antisocial at times and im very sorry but i just hav times in which i dont want to talk to anyone...it is nothing against anyone..i just need time to b with myself.