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I need a new sketchbook. Somewhat to my bemusement, I discovered I'd used the last page on my current one yesterday, which was wicked annoying because La Bohème came on the classic movie channel and I really wanted to draw some of the people there. They're all just ridiculously pretty in that 1920's sort of way. Something about how stylized their faces all seemed to be, blurred almost and soft, and entirely too beautiful, just across the board.
I've recently discovered an extreme fondness for old, old movies. Who knew?
So, yeah. Definitely need a new sketchbook and I'm sort of inclined to start breaking out the watercolors again as well. I've no talent at all with oils (nor the patience), but I used to love messing around with watercolors.
Of course, the step after that will be to get a scanner (I've two, but neither seems to be working) and actually post some stuff on my DeviantArt account. How exciting will that be!
In fannish news, finished a story that I'm rather entirely leery about and want to poke at quite a bit before it's seen anywhere or by anyone. On the plus side, Weechesters with possessed!John and ass-kicking Sam! On the minus side, it feels gratuitous and clumsy and I don't think that my Dean voice is on target. Which is especially unfortunate, since it's in his POV. Just doesn't much work, you know?
It doesn't help that I so loathed the most recent episode of Supernatural. Sam and Dean felt out of character and whiny to me, with Sam being clueless and Dean being stupid and obnoxious. Even the reconciliation at the end felt flawed, forced, and false to me because this "new equality" started off on an incredibly unequal footing. Someone posited the idea that Dean is basically pulling a Ruby - submitting to Sam to keep him close and to keep an eye on him, and I'll admit it: I actively prefer that concept to the idea that Dean will just continue to swallow his complaints and actual resentment because "family is supposed to make you miserable".
Sam was right when he said the old dynamic didn't work, but the problem is that the bossy, jackass that Dean had morphed into coupled with the put upon, belabored Sam in 5x05 wasn't the old dynamic. Dean could be bossy and he could be a jackass and Sam sometimes was put upon and belabored, but the reverse happened quite a good deal as well and more often than we saw either, we saw the boys generally acting as equals.
The only thing that Dean really refused to give in to Sam on was when it came to the possibility of innocents suffering. Dean chose to save the people John directed him to in S1 because otherwise, they'd have died. We see Dean (and Sam, to be fair) showing up in the nick of time so often that it's practically a stock trope. Dean had plenty of reasons to believe that if he didn't work fast, more people would die. It's something we see him feel guilty over so often than the most commonly accepted fandom theory for why Dean's eyes bled in Bloody Mary wasn't because of any specific failure on Dean's part, but because he thought he should have done more. Dean refused to put up with Sam using his powers in S3, but IMHO that was primarily because Ruby (a demon) was pushing for Sam to do so and Dean had incredibly good reason to distrust Ruby. Dean refused to go with Sam's plan to kill the virgin in JiB and he refused to become a monster (as was Sam's plan) in Time Is On My Side because in both cases he couldn't understand why the sacrifice of one would have someone been worth it to save the rest if other alternatives were on the table. This is not new.
When it came to other things, Dean trusted and followed Sam's lead. Dean complained but complied with Sam's request in Faith. He did it in Mystery Spot. He did it in Hunted. He gave into Sam's demand for a promise in Playthings, even though it was painfully obvious that it was about the worst thing Sam could ever demand of him. He and Sam traded leadership positions in S1 and S2 all the time. He let Sam go in Scarecrow and in the pilot, because that was what Sam wanted and what Sam needed. It's not that Dean was ever cowed into meekly following Sam about (with the possible exception of Hunted, I'll grant you), but it's also not like the reverse has ever been true, either.
None of this is anything new. If anything, I've seen more meta than I can count on how Dean is a "natural beta" and how he "needs someone to give him orders" and how he "traded John for Sam", none of which I agree with. Dean doesn't need a leader but Dean is codependent and finds it hard to separate out his family's needs from his own. What the Winchesters need is, on the whole, far more important than what Dean the individual needed. The Winchester family creeds were "kill the supernatural" and "protect Sam", so it's no wonder that he gave his own life to save his brother's. It isn't a healthy mindset. It's NOT a good thing, or a bonus in his characterization. Supernatural is unusual as a show because it shows the ugly dark side to a love martyr, not only subverting the trope but going further and outright demonizing it.
So Sam WAS right when he said the old dynamic didn't work. I just wish that anyone on the show had recognized that what happened in 5x05 was no where near the old dynamic and for Sam to say that it was shows a much grimmer view of his psyche than I had considered for him.
See, while Dean was stupid and offensive and an ass, Sam was the most self-centered we've seen him be all season. Dean being overprotective is very much a problem, albeit one that fandom seems to go into an outrage over when he starts to draw away from, but overprotectiveness is not being controlling. Sam though has always had issues with control and seeing protectiveness AS control. See his view on John for an excellent example of just that. Now, John failed in a major way (how exactly did he intend to keep Sam safe from several thousand miles away is beyond me as is how he expected to not drive Sam away with his behavior if he knew his son at all) and Dean's made some critical failures of his own in this regard, but for Sam to read every one of Dean's actions in S4 as Dean being overly controlling is just ridiculous. For him to claim that it was Dean's bossiness that caused Sam to start going with Ruby is a blatant lie, even without the WTF that comes when you remember that Sam's dependence on Ruby started when Dean was dead.
I took that line of Sam's to be an unfortunate truth and one that I wasn't even sure he'd recognized. It speaks to a really nasty flaw in his personality, but he doesn't seem to have seen the implications of it. Sam preferred Ruby because she wasn't bossy. This is true; Ruby was fully submissive to Sam and Sam's desires, appealing to his pride and vanity to lead him astray. She used a combination of perfect faith, comfort, and sex to sway Sam to her side and, best of all, Ruby was morally worse than Sam. She had done terrible things. Sam could show her the very worst parts of himself and it wouldn't matter because no matter how far down the hole Sam slid, Ruby was still further along. She was the perfect temptress in that regard. But the most important thing, Sam says here, is that she didn't try to order him around. She didn't presume herself his equal.
It implies that Sam wanted not a partnership (where leadership is traded off as necessary and both parties have a veto) so much as a firmly established pecking order - with himself at the head. A lot of those same meta that posit that Dean needs a firm hand to keep him in line also suggest that Sam likes to control and to be in control. In the same way that I think they're misinterpreting Dean's codependency as a need to submit, they're confusing Sam's need for control as an innate and positive behavior. Both Dean's codependency and Sam's control issues are a result of how they were raised; Sam with no control or say in how his life was lived and Dean having the lesson slammed home again and again that his own needs were unimportant (and forget about wants) and that to be a "good son" was to put the family above himself. Furthermore, both of them had it driven in that bad things happened when Sam had no control or when Dean was selfish. These are learned behaviors. I wouldn't have nearly so many issues with them if I didn't see them as outside injuries that had been inflicted on the Winchesters and not natural personality traits. As such, they're things that can be recovered from, that should be recovered from, over the course of the series.
That Ruby's submissiveness would appeal to Sam doesn't surprise me. Sam had been out of control for so long, had had so little say in his own life for so many years, that any grasp or slip of power would have had terrific appeal. And Ruby offered Sam more than just control over herself; she gave Sam hope of control over Sam. Over his "destiny" that he so feared. Over the demons who threatened him. Who wouldn't prefer that over Dean, when by Dean's very being, he would have reminded Sam of his failures and the very worst moments of his life? Dean was there when Jess burned. Dean was tortured while Sam stood helpless in Devil's Trap. Dean was killed repeatedly in Mystery Spot. Dean was killed again by Lilith. Sam was helpless to stop any of that, helpless when it came to saving Dean from Hell. It's not fair at all for Sam to associate those times with Dean-his-brother, but the mind isn't fair.
I get all of that. I love and sympathize for Sam. But I don't at all appreciate Sam ignoring all of that in favor of "I can't do this if you're going to be bossy and btw you were bossy last year too and I liked Ruby better."
Sam is self centered, it's a major part of his characterization. That said, Sam had been growing beyond that in 5x01-5x04. He had screwed up, massively, but was willing to change and generally seemed sincere about wanting to fix things. In 5x05 though, he was fixated on what he'd done in terms of breaking the final seal and didn't look at any of his past actions at all except to think that he'd been too weak to speak up before this and make sure his point was heard, that he didn't allow Dean to bully him into submission. It doesn't fly as character progression when Sam being bullied has never been a problem (at least not as a chronic issue - Dean was a jackass in S2 when he was dealing with John's death, I won't ever deny that). I haven't found a single person yet who declared that Dean's behavior in 5x05 was anything resembling in character, not even among those who generally side with Sam. If it had been, Sam would have had a valid complaint. As it wasn't, it comes across as contrived to give Sam's argument a shadow of a leg to stand on.
Also, for all that Sam immediately said that it wasn't Dean's fault that Ruby had had greater appeal, within the context of the conversation, what other way is there to take that? Sam said that Dean was bossy and drove Sam away. For all that Sam had shown signs of recognizing his own flaws in previous episodes, when speaking about them in 5x05, he focused almost entirely on Dean's.
To further worsen thins, now Dean is keeping secrets. Or I hope he is, anyway, because the alternative is rather too depressing to consider because it would mean that Dean still isn't conscious of how messed up things were in S4. (Which itself would be quite the retcon, but I digress.) Dean has yet to really take Sam to task about his behavior in S4. He told Sam that he'd hurt him in ways that Dean couldn't even find words for, but apparently Sam needs those words because he hasn't been able to figure it out on his own. Sam lied to Dean. Strangled him. Mocked him about Hell and the guilt and trauma he suffered after his resurrection. He used Hell as a weapon to keep Dean from asking questions. He withheld information. He chose a demon over his brother, and more than once. He beat the crap out of Dean and left him on a motel room floor. Sam's words in 5x05 reminded me of nothing so much as his "just trust me" appeal in 4x21 and made about as much sense - and was just as passive aggressive and dirty a blow.
Dean has many, many reasons to be pissed off at Sam. He has even more to distrust Sam's judgment and to keep him on probation. But he's not talking about any of this. When Sam came back, Dean should have cleared the air then. Should have spelled it out that he didn't trust Sam and why. It would have hurt Sam to hear it, and Dean would have been a dick in doing so, but if Sam can't recognize it himself, than Dean should have made it clear. When Sam complained about Dean's S4 behavior, Dean should have returned the volley. Not in a pissed off, let's start another brawl sort of way, but Sam's policy of honest is a great thing (even if he seems to be deluded in what he's being honest about) and Dean should emulate him.
Instead, we see Dean swallowing his very real grievances yet again. Dean's putting the Winchesters above his own needs and while, sure, if there's any time to do that it would be during the damned apocalypse, Dean has also been putting the world above the Winchesters recently and letting Sam believe those things might keep Sam from being hurt, but it's not doing the world itself any favors.
If Dean IS pulling a Ruby and playing submissive to keep Sam around because he doesn't trust him, I'll actually be surprised and pleased. Dean would be being an ass for doing that as well, but I'd far prefer asshole!Dean who is concerned for the world itself over doormat!Dean. I've seen enough of that, thanks much.
All of which got a bit long than I was intending, but honestly, I've never been as disappointed in an episode as I was in 5x05. The only time that came close for me was when I first got into the series over the Winter 2008 hiatus, watched all four seasons in a matter of weeks, and was terribly excited about 4x11 - only for 4x11 to have turned out to be, well, 4x11.
So, we'll see. I'm feeling pretty weary of Supernatural as a whole right now and the upcoming episodes haven't done much to inspire confidence from what I've seen. At the end of the day though, it's only a show. I lived without Supernatural for 26 years of my life and somehow I think I'll manage to do so again if necessary.
I've recently discovered an extreme fondness for old, old movies. Who knew?
So, yeah. Definitely need a new sketchbook and I'm sort of inclined to start breaking out the watercolors again as well. I've no talent at all with oils (nor the patience), but I used to love messing around with watercolors.
Of course, the step after that will be to get a scanner (I've two, but neither seems to be working) and actually post some stuff on my DeviantArt account. How exciting will that be!
In fannish news, finished a story that I'm rather entirely leery about and want to poke at quite a bit before it's seen anywhere or by anyone. On the plus side, Weechesters with possessed!John and ass-kicking Sam! On the minus side, it feels gratuitous and clumsy and I don't think that my Dean voice is on target. Which is especially unfortunate, since it's in his POV. Just doesn't much work, you know?
It doesn't help that I so loathed the most recent episode of Supernatural. Sam and Dean felt out of character and whiny to me, with Sam being clueless and Dean being stupid and obnoxious. Even the reconciliation at the end felt flawed, forced, and false to me because this "new equality" started off on an incredibly unequal footing. Someone posited the idea that Dean is basically pulling a Ruby - submitting to Sam to keep him close and to keep an eye on him, and I'll admit it: I actively prefer that concept to the idea that Dean will just continue to swallow his complaints and actual resentment because "family is supposed to make you miserable".
Sam was right when he said the old dynamic didn't work, but the problem is that the bossy, jackass that Dean had morphed into coupled with the put upon, belabored Sam in 5x05 wasn't the old dynamic. Dean could be bossy and he could be a jackass and Sam sometimes was put upon and belabored, but the reverse happened quite a good deal as well and more often than we saw either, we saw the boys generally acting as equals.
The only thing that Dean really refused to give in to Sam on was when it came to the possibility of innocents suffering. Dean chose to save the people John directed him to in S1 because otherwise, they'd have died. We see Dean (and Sam, to be fair) showing up in the nick of time so often that it's practically a stock trope. Dean had plenty of reasons to believe that if he didn't work fast, more people would die. It's something we see him feel guilty over so often than the most commonly accepted fandom theory for why Dean's eyes bled in Bloody Mary wasn't because of any specific failure on Dean's part, but because he thought he should have done more. Dean refused to put up with Sam using his powers in S3, but IMHO that was primarily because Ruby (a demon) was pushing for Sam to do so and Dean had incredibly good reason to distrust Ruby. Dean refused to go with Sam's plan to kill the virgin in JiB and he refused to become a monster (as was Sam's plan) in Time Is On My Side because in both cases he couldn't understand why the sacrifice of one would have someone been worth it to save the rest if other alternatives were on the table. This is not new.
When it came to other things, Dean trusted and followed Sam's lead. Dean complained but complied with Sam's request in Faith. He did it in Mystery Spot. He did it in Hunted. He gave into Sam's demand for a promise in Playthings, even though it was painfully obvious that it was about the worst thing Sam could ever demand of him. He and Sam traded leadership positions in S1 and S2 all the time. He let Sam go in Scarecrow and in the pilot, because that was what Sam wanted and what Sam needed. It's not that Dean was ever cowed into meekly following Sam about (with the possible exception of Hunted, I'll grant you), but it's also not like the reverse has ever been true, either.
None of this is anything new. If anything, I've seen more meta than I can count on how Dean is a "natural beta" and how he "needs someone to give him orders" and how he "traded John for Sam", none of which I agree with. Dean doesn't need a leader but Dean is codependent and finds it hard to separate out his family's needs from his own. What the Winchesters need is, on the whole, far more important than what Dean the individual needed. The Winchester family creeds were "kill the supernatural" and "protect Sam", so it's no wonder that he gave his own life to save his brother's. It isn't a healthy mindset. It's NOT a good thing, or a bonus in his characterization. Supernatural is unusual as a show because it shows the ugly dark side to a love martyr, not only subverting the trope but going further and outright demonizing it.
So Sam WAS right when he said the old dynamic didn't work. I just wish that anyone on the show had recognized that what happened in 5x05 was no where near the old dynamic and for Sam to say that it was shows a much grimmer view of his psyche than I had considered for him.
See, while Dean was stupid and offensive and an ass, Sam was the most self-centered we've seen him be all season. Dean being overprotective is very much a problem, albeit one that fandom seems to go into an outrage over when he starts to draw away from, but overprotectiveness is not being controlling. Sam though has always had issues with control and seeing protectiveness AS control. See his view on John for an excellent example of just that. Now, John failed in a major way (how exactly did he intend to keep Sam safe from several thousand miles away is beyond me as is how he expected to not drive Sam away with his behavior if he knew his son at all) and Dean's made some critical failures of his own in this regard, but for Sam to read every one of Dean's actions in S4 as Dean being overly controlling is just ridiculous. For him to claim that it was Dean's bossiness that caused Sam to start going with Ruby is a blatant lie, even without the WTF that comes when you remember that Sam's dependence on Ruby started when Dean was dead.
I took that line of Sam's to be an unfortunate truth and one that I wasn't even sure he'd recognized. It speaks to a really nasty flaw in his personality, but he doesn't seem to have seen the implications of it. Sam preferred Ruby because she wasn't bossy. This is true; Ruby was fully submissive to Sam and Sam's desires, appealing to his pride and vanity to lead him astray. She used a combination of perfect faith, comfort, and sex to sway Sam to her side and, best of all, Ruby was morally worse than Sam. She had done terrible things. Sam could show her the very worst parts of himself and it wouldn't matter because no matter how far down the hole Sam slid, Ruby was still further along. She was the perfect temptress in that regard. But the most important thing, Sam says here, is that she didn't try to order him around. She didn't presume herself his equal.
It implies that Sam wanted not a partnership (where leadership is traded off as necessary and both parties have a veto) so much as a firmly established pecking order - with himself at the head. A lot of those same meta that posit that Dean needs a firm hand to keep him in line also suggest that Sam likes to control and to be in control. In the same way that I think they're misinterpreting Dean's codependency as a need to submit, they're confusing Sam's need for control as an innate and positive behavior. Both Dean's codependency and Sam's control issues are a result of how they were raised; Sam with no control or say in how his life was lived and Dean having the lesson slammed home again and again that his own needs were unimportant (and forget about wants) and that to be a "good son" was to put the family above himself. Furthermore, both of them had it driven in that bad things happened when Sam had no control or when Dean was selfish. These are learned behaviors. I wouldn't have nearly so many issues with them if I didn't see them as outside injuries that had been inflicted on the Winchesters and not natural personality traits. As such, they're things that can be recovered from, that should be recovered from, over the course of the series.
That Ruby's submissiveness would appeal to Sam doesn't surprise me. Sam had been out of control for so long, had had so little say in his own life for so many years, that any grasp or slip of power would have had terrific appeal. And Ruby offered Sam more than just control over herself; she gave Sam hope of control over Sam. Over his "destiny" that he so feared. Over the demons who threatened him. Who wouldn't prefer that over Dean, when by Dean's very being, he would have reminded Sam of his failures and the very worst moments of his life? Dean was there when Jess burned. Dean was tortured while Sam stood helpless in Devil's Trap. Dean was killed repeatedly in Mystery Spot. Dean was killed again by Lilith. Sam was helpless to stop any of that, helpless when it came to saving Dean from Hell. It's not fair at all for Sam to associate those times with Dean-his-brother, but the mind isn't fair.
I get all of that. I love and sympathize for Sam. But I don't at all appreciate Sam ignoring all of that in favor of "I can't do this if you're going to be bossy and btw you were bossy last year too and I liked Ruby better."
Sam is self centered, it's a major part of his characterization. That said, Sam had been growing beyond that in 5x01-5x04. He had screwed up, massively, but was willing to change and generally seemed sincere about wanting to fix things. In 5x05 though, he was fixated on what he'd done in terms of breaking the final seal and didn't look at any of his past actions at all except to think that he'd been too weak to speak up before this and make sure his point was heard, that he didn't allow Dean to bully him into submission. It doesn't fly as character progression when Sam being bullied has never been a problem (at least not as a chronic issue - Dean was a jackass in S2 when he was dealing with John's death, I won't ever deny that). I haven't found a single person yet who declared that Dean's behavior in 5x05 was anything resembling in character, not even among those who generally side with Sam. If it had been, Sam would have had a valid complaint. As it wasn't, it comes across as contrived to give Sam's argument a shadow of a leg to stand on.
Also, for all that Sam immediately said that it wasn't Dean's fault that Ruby had had greater appeal, within the context of the conversation, what other way is there to take that? Sam said that Dean was bossy and drove Sam away. For all that Sam had shown signs of recognizing his own flaws in previous episodes, when speaking about them in 5x05, he focused almost entirely on Dean's.
To further worsen thins, now Dean is keeping secrets. Or I hope he is, anyway, because the alternative is rather too depressing to consider because it would mean that Dean still isn't conscious of how messed up things were in S4. (Which itself would be quite the retcon, but I digress.) Dean has yet to really take Sam to task about his behavior in S4. He told Sam that he'd hurt him in ways that Dean couldn't even find words for, but apparently Sam needs those words because he hasn't been able to figure it out on his own. Sam lied to Dean. Strangled him. Mocked him about Hell and the guilt and trauma he suffered after his resurrection. He used Hell as a weapon to keep Dean from asking questions. He withheld information. He chose a demon over his brother, and more than once. He beat the crap out of Dean and left him on a motel room floor. Sam's words in 5x05 reminded me of nothing so much as his "just trust me" appeal in 4x21 and made about as much sense - and was just as passive aggressive and dirty a blow.
Dean has many, many reasons to be pissed off at Sam. He has even more to distrust Sam's judgment and to keep him on probation. But he's not talking about any of this. When Sam came back, Dean should have cleared the air then. Should have spelled it out that he didn't trust Sam and why. It would have hurt Sam to hear it, and Dean would have been a dick in doing so, but if Sam can't recognize it himself, than Dean should have made it clear. When Sam complained about Dean's S4 behavior, Dean should have returned the volley. Not in a pissed off, let's start another brawl sort of way, but Sam's policy of honest is a great thing (even if he seems to be deluded in what he's being honest about) and Dean should emulate him.
Instead, we see Dean swallowing his very real grievances yet again. Dean's putting the Winchesters above his own needs and while, sure, if there's any time to do that it would be during the damned apocalypse, Dean has also been putting the world above the Winchesters recently and letting Sam believe those things might keep Sam from being hurt, but it's not doing the world itself any favors.
If Dean IS pulling a Ruby and playing submissive to keep Sam around because he doesn't trust him, I'll actually be surprised and pleased. Dean would be being an ass for doing that as well, but I'd far prefer asshole!Dean who is concerned for the world itself over doormat!Dean. I've seen enough of that, thanks much.
All of which got a bit long than I was intending, but honestly, I've never been as disappointed in an episode as I was in 5x05. The only time that came close for me was when I first got into the series over the Winter 2008 hiatus, watched all four seasons in a matter of weeks, and was terribly excited about 4x11 - only for 4x11 to have turned out to be, well, 4x11.
So, we'll see. I'm feeling pretty weary of Supernatural as a whole right now and the upcoming episodes haven't done much to inspire confidence from what I've seen. At the end of the day though, it's only a show. I lived without Supernatural for 26 years of my life and somehow I think I'll manage to do so again if necessary.