The Jonah Syndrome
Gah! I should be working on my own story…but instead I find myself posting to my LJ. Why? Well, because I am avoiding my own works.
I think about writing every single time I turn my computer on. And do I? Nope, I find myself on facebook or spamming up BA.
Anything and I mean anything that will keep me from doing what I should be doing. I mean, when I was in class I had the excuse of working on monstrous papers. Now, that school is out I don’t have paper writing anymore to fall back on. So that may mean that I might have to face my own demons.
I wish I had an active social life, that way I could avoid writing by hanging out with friends. I know I leave in a couple of days to spend two weeks with my best friend, so I can use that excuse.
Even though I DO NOT want to go, really. As horrible as this sounds, I was kinda hoping I could catch the swine flu…that way I’d really have an excuse not to go. But it appears luck is never on my side and I will have to go. From what you probably already gathered, I runaway from things that bother me. I avoid confrontation, and when something comes my way that looks like it might be tricky or difficult to handle it, I do what I think is best and that is avoid at all costs. Another shining example of my cowardice is that I go into an argument with my mother yesterday. I was trying to convince her that a hairstyle my little brother wanted to get didn’t look “gothic” (my little brother is really into gothic stuff…don’t ask me why.) Anyways, she wouldn’t let him get it because part of his hair would cover one eye. And she wants to see both his eyes, she is really old fashioned about stuff like that. I for one thought this hair style would look good on him. Better than the one he had now, even though he dresses gothic/punk his hair style is reminiscent of Jim Morrison. He kinda looks like a gothic hippie…or a punk stoner; a throwback form the 60’s…to put it plainly, his hair doesn’t match his style.
So, I, as his big sister tried to step in and help him out. And my mother went ballistic on me, saying how I’ve always tried to come between her and my brother. How I always act like his mother…blah blah insecurities blah blah. It really pisses me off; I am not trying to tell her how to raise her son, like she has always accused me of. I was simply trying to tell her nicely at that, that she is just far to narrowed minded, closed minded, all of the above. My little brother cannot wait to get out of the house, because my mother keeps such a bloody tight leash on him! I think she fails to realize that is why I left home like not even a week after graduation. I hate being told what to do, (I know that is not the right attitude…but I’m working on it, ok?) I hate people telling what I should wear, what I should watch, what I should listen to, and everything else of the like. I mean this isn’t Soviet Russia last time I checked. Now I realize that it is the parent’s job to watch over their children, I know that. However, I believe that parents can also be waaaaay to controlling. Like the case with my mother, my brother is the only 16 yr old who is not allowed to watch PG-13 movies. She is restraining him so much, to that point that when he has his first taste of freedom he is going to go wild. And you don’t dare try and tell her that, she will not only ignore you, but also scream at you for trying to tell her how to raise her son. The kid needs to grow up, and she is not letting him.
This is exactly why I haven’t been home in three years; I cannot stand the oppressing atmosphere. I was reminded of that last night, and now I seriously doubt my decision to go home for the summer. So now do I not only wish to have nothing to do with my best friend, I am to the point where I do not wish to see my parents as well. I feel selfish, saying that if she didn’t get a boyfriend things would be like they used to be between us. Or if my mother wasn’t so controlling I’d go home more often.
I keep hanging on to this, it’s everyone’s fault but my own, feeling. And I don’t like that. I don’t to want assume the mantle of misunderstood hero. I’m much more comfortable in my role as villain. Because if I wasn’t so jealous of my best friend, I would be ecstatic to see her again, if I wasn’t such a horrible daughter my mother wouldn’t be so hard on my brother. If I was a better daughter, I would have gone home more often. I mean, how is that I am 22 years old and already going through life lamenting the fact that I am such a monumental fuck up? I’ve had friends tell me that I need to take a step back and reassess my life, but I am terrified to. Remember, I avoid things. If I took a step back, I would surely see all things that need fixing in my life. And I don’t know how to fix them…well, that is a lie. I do have an answer, however, I am running form that *gasp* yeah, I know. I am going through my whole life running.
Yet, I’m not going anywhere. I keep thinking if I run fast enough, nothing and no one will be able to catch up. If only I could run a little bit faster….
I wonder if someone tossed me in the storm drenched seas, would all these problems go away?
If a massive fish came and swallowed me whole, would salvation come at last?
Yet, it seems that I am already in the belly of a great fish. I’m rotting away, waiting for someone to save me.
I swear I’m not a bad person, despite the fact I call myself a villain.
I’m just a little winded, from all the running I’ve done.
I fear that through reading these posts, people would look down on me. But that really doesn’t bother me, this is the truth. These are my problems; they are real and not exaggerated. This is the only place I can be honest with myself, about myself. I had thought I out grew the need for a diary, but I guess I was wrong. It seems I still need one. And I am so glad I can type it instead of write it. My handing writing is atrocious; I even have a hard time reading it. Well, I think I may be able to work on my story a bit…now that I’ve exhausted all other means of distraction….
Until next time, my nonexistent readers.
Signed,
The pusillanimous InkMask aka ginxkira
Filling in the role of Biblical cowards since birth.