(no subject)
They never did call me with the results of the bloodwork they did yesterday, or the chest x-ray. Usually that means that there's nothing alarming in the results, but of course I have these vivid mental images of a group of doctors standing clustered around my x-rays and muttering, "Well, I've never seen THAT before!" and "What do you make of it, Jones? Should we tell her she has about three days left to live?"
Also I did some research on the drug that the doctor prescribed for me. It's called Effexor and I had never heard of it before. I don't like drugs, my body doesn't like drugs, the whole idea of it seems unnatural to me and just generally a cop out. So I admit that I was purposely looking for a reason not to take them, but the reason popped up a little too far up on the Google list for me to feel very good about my doctor anymore. I found a petition of almost 17,000 signatures of "victims" of Effexor. Generally the people were entirely unable to get OFF the drug once they started it, because the withdrawal symptoms are so horrendous. There were comments posted on there saying things like, "My son committed suicide shortly after stopping Effexor because of the severe withdrawal symptoms. The symptoms are things like "Brain quivers" or "Brain shudders" and I can imagine exactly what that's like and I want no part in it. I guess it wasn't a total loss going to the doctor yesterday, though. I mean once I get my results back and everything. And she pretty much ruled out lymphoma. I'll co-pay twenty bucks just to rule out a single disease, because there are so many I've made into a possibility.
Now I'm not so sure how to deal with the anxiety, though. I can deal with more than I ever thought I could deal with. But something snapped in my brain over the summer and I kept getting worse and worse and now it's to the point where it's extremely difficult to just think my way out of it. Because I'm certain it IS a chemical imbalance and that I AM clinically crazy in some respects. But I'm just sane enough to know that I'm a little bit crazy and should probably do something about it. I'm sane enough to worry about losing my sanity and sane enough to treat myself for it. And smart enough to bypass the drug route. The things I can't handle are the severe panic attacks that occur a couple of minutes after I fall asleep. I can't really handle that. And I'm having a tough time handling it when I forget that I exist. It isn't bad when I'm by myself. It doesn't matter whether or not I exist. Lately, in the short amount of time I've got the house to myself after Amelia goes to sleep, all I do is play the guitar anyway and it's the only thing that really calms me down. But when there are other people around I start panicking. Tonight when the significant stopped by the house on his break I went into the kitchen to talk to him and as I began my sentence my chest sort of seized up and I realized I was me, but who the hell was I, and one of us was talking and I wasn't sure who it was. I struggle through - I can usually continue on with a conversation but most often I cut it short and leave the room before my head falls off. These things are irritating, to say the least, and they're getting worse. But I read up on those kinds of mental issues as well and although most websites advocated drugs, of course, a couple of them suggested ways to think your way through it. And the best one basically just said, "You're freaking tired, stupid, get some more sleep". That's easier said than done, because of the panic attacks, but I'm working on that. I took some homeopathic sleep remedy tonight and we'll see how that does. And in a minute here, when my heated blanket is warm enough, I'm going to read for a while and be okay about not existing, because I usually don't when I read anyway. It just appears that my mind is literally exhausted. I think it's holding on to self-awareness by a thread because it doesn't have the strength to build a more concrete bridge between itself and the world around it. I think, in terms of consciousness, it's doing a half-assed job because I'm using up mental resources by worrying and being awake far, far too much. And, probably the worst bit of it, not doing a single thing that I need to do for myself. Aside from playing the guitar, but that's just a hobby anyway, I have no intention of getting into a musical career.
One of the most annoying side effects from all of this is the fact that I've picked up smoking again. Not a whole lot. I'll go a couple of days without one and when I do start up again I'll only have a few in a day. But it's still something else my body is revolting against and I think I've got a guilt complex about it anyway. So I'm trying to just stop it altogether because it's a ridiculous thing to do. I don't even think I'm fully addicted to nicotine at this point. I think I'm borderline, which is probably worse than being full on addicted. So I'll wake up and forget that I'd been smoking and I'll just not. And then the next day the cat will really, really piss me off and I'll be an idiot and go out and smoke to deal with the anger. The birth control pills contribute to those mood swings, too, and I know it. And now I worry about blood clots and things like that because cigarettes and birth control pills are already evil entities in their own right, but mixed together and you're on the road to heart disease.
What I think I really need is a vacation. I need to take a laptop to the beach and do nothing but write limericks for a few days.
There once was a girl whose brain fell apart
..................
See..... I can't even finish a freaking limerick.
Also I did some research on the drug that the doctor prescribed for me. It's called Effexor and I had never heard of it before. I don't like drugs, my body doesn't like drugs, the whole idea of it seems unnatural to me and just generally a cop out. So I admit that I was purposely looking for a reason not to take them, but the reason popped up a little too far up on the Google list for me to feel very good about my doctor anymore. I found a petition of almost 17,000 signatures of "victims" of Effexor. Generally the people were entirely unable to get OFF the drug once they started it, because the withdrawal symptoms are so horrendous. There were comments posted on there saying things like, "My son committed suicide shortly after stopping Effexor because of the severe withdrawal symptoms. The symptoms are things like "Brain quivers" or "Brain shudders" and I can imagine exactly what that's like and I want no part in it. I guess it wasn't a total loss going to the doctor yesterday, though. I mean once I get my results back and everything. And she pretty much ruled out lymphoma. I'll co-pay twenty bucks just to rule out a single disease, because there are so many I've made into a possibility.
Now I'm not so sure how to deal with the anxiety, though. I can deal with more than I ever thought I could deal with. But something snapped in my brain over the summer and I kept getting worse and worse and now it's to the point where it's extremely difficult to just think my way out of it. Because I'm certain it IS a chemical imbalance and that I AM clinically crazy in some respects. But I'm just sane enough to know that I'm a little bit crazy and should probably do something about it. I'm sane enough to worry about losing my sanity and sane enough to treat myself for it. And smart enough to bypass the drug route. The things I can't handle are the severe panic attacks that occur a couple of minutes after I fall asleep. I can't really handle that. And I'm having a tough time handling it when I forget that I exist. It isn't bad when I'm by myself. It doesn't matter whether or not I exist. Lately, in the short amount of time I've got the house to myself after Amelia goes to sleep, all I do is play the guitar anyway and it's the only thing that really calms me down. But when there are other people around I start panicking. Tonight when the significant stopped by the house on his break I went into the kitchen to talk to him and as I began my sentence my chest sort of seized up and I realized I was me, but who the hell was I, and one of us was talking and I wasn't sure who it was. I struggle through - I can usually continue on with a conversation but most often I cut it short and leave the room before my head falls off. These things are irritating, to say the least, and they're getting worse. But I read up on those kinds of mental issues as well and although most websites advocated drugs, of course, a couple of them suggested ways to think your way through it. And the best one basically just said, "You're freaking tired, stupid, get some more sleep". That's easier said than done, because of the panic attacks, but I'm working on that. I took some homeopathic sleep remedy tonight and we'll see how that does. And in a minute here, when my heated blanket is warm enough, I'm going to read for a while and be okay about not existing, because I usually don't when I read anyway. It just appears that my mind is literally exhausted. I think it's holding on to self-awareness by a thread because it doesn't have the strength to build a more concrete bridge between itself and the world around it. I think, in terms of consciousness, it's doing a half-assed job because I'm using up mental resources by worrying and being awake far, far too much. And, probably the worst bit of it, not doing a single thing that I need to do for myself. Aside from playing the guitar, but that's just a hobby anyway, I have no intention of getting into a musical career.
One of the most annoying side effects from all of this is the fact that I've picked up smoking again. Not a whole lot. I'll go a couple of days without one and when I do start up again I'll only have a few in a day. But it's still something else my body is revolting against and I think I've got a guilt complex about it anyway. So I'm trying to just stop it altogether because it's a ridiculous thing to do. I don't even think I'm fully addicted to nicotine at this point. I think I'm borderline, which is probably worse than being full on addicted. So I'll wake up and forget that I'd been smoking and I'll just not. And then the next day the cat will really, really piss me off and I'll be an idiot and go out and smoke to deal with the anger. The birth control pills contribute to those mood swings, too, and I know it. And now I worry about blood clots and things like that because cigarettes and birth control pills are already evil entities in their own right, but mixed together and you're on the road to heart disease.
What I think I really need is a vacation. I need to take a laptop to the beach and do nothing but write limericks for a few days.
There once was a girl whose brain fell apart
..................
See..... I can't even finish a freaking limerick.