Title: Tense
Pairing: Jim/Corey
POV: Jim
Rating: PG-ish
Summary: I wasn’t going to say anything but I guess I don’t need to. It is pretty obvious that I have no idea what I’m doing.
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It did not happen. This fiction in no way represents people mentioned within. I do not profit from these stories.
It is so obvious. I wasn’t going to say anything but I guess I don’t need to. It is pretty obvious that I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve been waiting for so long. I’ve been hoping and preparing. But all the times I’ve been picturing this, playing it out in my head, are no use now. Nothing I’ve ever experienced could compare to this. I had no idea it would be so carnal, that you would feel so solid.
You’re here besides me. My best friend. And more. I’m afraid that you expect me to know how to go about things. But I don’t so I wait. Amazed by how quickly things changed. You went from friend to something totally different, something new, just by removing your clothes. Naked. I find you beautiful, or maybe handsome. I don’t know. I just wish that this felt less like a gift from you to me.
I wish I had sounded less eager when I asked you if you wanted to spend the night. Mostly because I had no idea it would feel so awkward. I thought it would be easier. I’ve watched you so closely for so long. I thought I knew every inch of you and your every move. It turns out that I don’t. This is a side of you I’ve longed to know and now it scares the shit out of me.
Where do I start? You’re so big. Compared to me you’re much smaller but considering how many awkward moves it would take for me to transport my mouth or hand from one part of your body to another makes you seem huge. Unconquerable.
Why does things have to be so complicated? I mean it’s only you. I’ve known you for years. I trust you. But it feels like I’ve never met you before. You’re a stranger. Naked. You’re intimidating with your body and your nakedness. It was so much easier yesterday, or the day before that, or last year or before we did the last record or even before I joined the band, when I was a regular guy with a shitty guitar. We were drinking buddies, friends, band mates. But now we’re lovers and it’s pretty obvious that I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m wondering if you know what to do.
I’m wondering if this is the right thing to do, to wrap my legs around yours, to lean in like this. I’m so uncertain, don’t know where to place my hands. Am I allowed? I wonder if someone else has told you that you have the most perfect happy trail, the thin line from your bellybutton that shows me the way, over your stomach, marking your skin so softly. I want to trace it with my tongue.
I want to tug on your ring. It’s there to be played with but still it feels kind of vulgar to just go ahead and tug on it. So I touch you right next to your nipple instead. Tracing the ink, stroking your collarbone. The palm of my hand passes over your nipple. I seek approval and you smile timidly. It makes me wonder if you really want this. I move my hands over your chest, down over your arms. It feels safe to hold you hand for a while. I need a moment. I told you I have no idea what I’m doing.
My body betrays me. I can’t hide. What if you find me pathetic? I lower my upper body, making it less apparent. Now what? I burry my nose in you neck, buying some time. I steal a kiss on my way up again.
This is ridiculous.
I cover your body with kisses. Wet my lips and let my tongue explore every inch of you, except your nipples. So obvious I want to go there. And I will. Soon. When I get the courage. I lie down and rest my head on your chest. Your heart beats fast. I wish you weren’t so nervous. I need you to be confident since I’m not. I have to find my bearings, to get ready. I don’t want to do this the wrong way.
I hope you’re not looking because I bet I look pretty stupid as I gently poke my tongue out and lick the silver loop. I taste its form. I’ve never understood geometry but this must be perfection. Circles never ends. I want this to last forever. Cheesy, I know.
I better move. I back off, my knees moves downward, my hip over your thigh. God I feel so clumsy. I bet your grinning in the semidarkness but I can’t tell since my hair is all over my eyes and face. I slip one knee in between your legs. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m moving even further down. My feet and calves are off the bed now, dangling in the air as I carefully place myself in between your legs. You move them slowly apart and I’m grateful that you allow me access. I accidentally poke you with my nose, my big ugly nose. You smell like you, just much more intense.
I hold still for a while. I need to get used to being so close to you. I look at the floor where your clothes are at. You undressed as I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I brushed them longer that any man has ever brushed their teeth. I washed myself carefully. Just in case. And when I eventually returned to my bed room you clothes were there already, on the floor. I knew you hadn’t fallen asleep. That you were waiting for me. Your clothes are on the floor and I’m here with you, in bed. You want me here in between your legs.
Those small noises you make might just be a way for you to reassure me. But your body is ready for me. Hard. Just like I was when I worked up the courage to lift the covers and get into bed with you. Hard.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that I have no idea what I’m doing. I taste you, let my tongue explore you, hoping that you’re enjoying this as much as I am. And suddenly I feel your hand in my hair. Urging me on. I shift and my right hand’s underneath your, finds the soft curb of your behind. Feels so nice I just have to get the left one there too. Symmetry. But not that comfortable. I feel like a swimmer diving into the water, arms in front, reaching out.
Your hand on my upper arm. You’re getting louder, encouraging me. Maybe you want me to go deeper. Easy does it. You can’t have everything straight away. I’m not used to this. My jaw’s tense. I take a few deep breaths, trying to relax and then I’ll go back to the source of your pleasure. To give your more.
Your hand that strokes my hair stops as I shift. I can tell you’re frustrated that I left you. I’m trying my best. It’s not like I’ve asked anyone for pointers. I’m just going on instincts. But the minute I have to do two things at the time my pace is lost. Note to self - why can’t I coordinate my limbs? I can when I play guitar so why is it so difficult with you?
I watch you but then you press me down. Towards your lust. You’re something alright. Shaved head pressed against my pillow, inked chest heaving and your hand on my head setting the pace. Keeping me in place. I will give you all I’ve got all you have to do is ask. I give the tip as small kiss. I kiss your stomach and you chest before I lay on my back besides you.
Since it’s pretty obvious that I have no idea what I’m doing I let you decide what will happen next. I’m game. I’ll let you do anything you want to. I’ll let you cover me in grape jelly. I’ll let you dress me up or pretend I’m a Chippendale end table if that‘s what you want. I’ll do anything for you. Just don’t hurt me.
You won’t hurt me. You’ve promised me. I trust you.
You take my hand and place it on your hardness. Silently begging for more. Thanking me by stroking my cheek. When you’re done, pleased, you sigh and caress my leg with yours. You kiss my chest.
You move fast, not at all clumsy. You take me into you warm mouth. My God I’m inside your mouth. It’s so good. You sit on your knees in between my pale legs. Your strong neck bent in an almost absurd angle. It’s kind of annoying the way you look when you sit like that. I watch you but I miss your long hair. I tuck the pillows underneath my head so I can watch you without straining my neck.
You work meticulously. So generous. I love what you’re doing to me. I’m totally relaxed, all thoughts gone.
I wonder how long you’re gonna be down there? Am I supposed to let go? Or not? We never talked about this. How to do it. Or when.
The only thing I know for sure is that you’re my everything. You are the one I’ve travelled the world with. You’re the one who walked with me as years turned the shy boy into a man. You are the one who I’ll spend my future with. I’m not totally sure who you are. You are so many things to me. You are beautiful and slightly strange. You are the only one and everything. I love you and yet I can hardly remember how you look. I lift my head off the pillow and watch you.
And suddenly I can’t hold back any longer.
You lay perfectly still. I wanted this first time to be perfect. You ask me why I love you. It’s pretty obvious that I have no idea what I’m doing. But it was worth it. I learned where to place my hands. That it’s not dangerous even though carnal in a way that I’m not used to. It doesn’t matter. I want to hold you but you move around like a restless cat and it takes at least three minutes, or hours, for us to find a comfortable position. My head on your chest, my arm wrapped around your stomach. You embrace me and play with my hair. And I tell you why. And that it’s pretty obvious that it won’t be this awkward every time. Right?