Love sweeter than lies
Title: Love sweeter than lies
Pairing: Paavo/Eicca
POV: Paavo
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Harsh words still ringing in my head. I regretted them immediately. I might have ruined everything.
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It did not happen. This fiction in no way represents people mentioned within. I do not profit from these stories.
A/N: This one’s for Philo!
I
was furious. Well, not really, I wasn’t exactly sure about how I felt. All I knew was that my blood was boiling and the vein at my temple throbbed. All the intense feelings I’ve ever felt including rage and anxiety mixed in the pit of my stomach like a volcano about to erupt. I was nauseous, harsh words still ringing in my head. It was so stupid. I had been stupid. I regretted the things I had said. Saatana perkele vittu. The lovely summer’s day mocked me. Days like that weren’t made for fighting with the one you care for. Who was I fooling? Care for wasn’t the right expression. Love of my life was more correct. The thing that scared me the most was the risk that I might have ruined everything.
The sun shined relentlessly as I leaned against the hot concrete wall outside our rehearsal studio. I wanted to get away, not from the hot sun but from myself. And that was easier said than done. I sat down on the ground and pressed my face to my knees trying to chase the burning feeling of remorse away, to will the tears from falling. Adrenaline rushed through my system. I couldn’t remember exactly what I said but I knew I had been mean and scornful. But the pain in Eicca’s eyes as he walked away was devastatingly clear. It was the look of disappointment that hurt the most.
His car was gone. My left hand found a small pebble. I picked it up and pressed it hard into the palm of my hand in a pathetic attempt to block out the images playing vividly in my head. Memories washed over me, remembering the incident that made my world fall apart.
After show party, drunk and horny we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. A small dark room in the back. The shock when she opened the door. What we did to her. I regretted almost immediately. I could still sense the slightly bitter taste of her skin. How she straddled Eicca on that rickety chair. We tried to convince ourselves that what we did was to keep her mouth shut. But little did we know.
I pressed the small stone even harder and closed my eyes. With all my will power I tried to convince myself that it would have happened sooner or later. With or without her. They would have found out eventually anyway. I should have known better that to take risks like that. We should have been more careful. The damage was done.
The rumour had spread faster than a forest fire. It was all over the internet and I had gotten plenty of calls from pushy tabloid journalists. The fact that the singer of a well known band had fucked us both didn’t seem to interest them at all. I guessed that her description of what she found when she opened that door was both colourful and detailed. It had been pretty quiet about her band lately and she must have found deep satisfaction in all the attention from the media that she got.
I had gotten a couple of not so nice calls from colleagues and representatives from our label. But when my ex-wife started to call me names I had enough. I had driven to Eicca’s and when he wasn’t there I had gone to our rehearsal studio. I had found him on his chair. He looked almost naked without his cello. He refused to look at me. And that was when all hell broke loose. The blaming each other, the name calling, the yelling and all the cursing that had left me heartbroken, leaning against that hot concrete wall.
I was so concentrated on dwelling in my misery that I didn’t hear him coming. I twitched when I felt a soft hand in my hair. I lifted my eyes slowly hoping to see Eicca but at the same time scared as hell of what he was going to say. The tanned chinos gave him away. It wasn’t Eicca. It was Antero.
“Is it working? he asked and took of his sunglasses.
“What?” I muttered and stared at his shoes. Spotless and shining as always.
“Whatever you’re doing, is it helping? At all?” He sounded genuinely interested.
I sighed in irritation and turned my head away. I had no intentions of second guessing what the hell he meant. I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to disappear. Much to my surprise he sat down on the dusty ground a couple of decimetres away from me. I kept quiet.
“Do you love him?”
I looked at him questioningly. He seemed sincere; I couldn’t detect any sarcasm or spite in his grey eyes.
“It’s a fairly simple question Paavo.” He spoke softly. “He loves you. I can tell. It’s pretty obvious, you know.”
“It’s not that simple…” I sighed and shook my head.
A small smiled spread on his face that calmed me down.
“Well, I think it IS that simple. Either you live your life by other people’s rules or you make the choices that you know in your heart are right no matter how controversial or uncomfortable they are. Trust me I’ve walked down both paths and the later is the one that have made me the happiest. Tell them all to go fuck themselves.”
I stared at Antero. I had never heard him talk like that before. Cussing. Animated. Caring. Somehow I never thought that Antero had made any life changing decisions. He lived such a quiet life only interrupted by the part time chaos that was Apocalyptica. He took everything with such poise that it never occurred to me that there might be more to Antero that he had led me to believe.
For a moment or two all that was heard was the low hum of the traffic. Then he spoke again, voice heavy with earnestness.
”What you and Eicca have is far more important than anything else…”
“But the band…” I interrupted.
“Yes even more important than the band. Love like yours…” He swallowed hard. “There are people who would kill to feel just a few moments of…”
He looked away but I could have sworn that he had tears in is eyes. He stood up, brushed off his pants and cleared his throat.
“Go to him. You know where he went. Where he always goes when he needs time to himself… Don’t throw this away.”
I nodded silently and by the time I had managed to swallow the big lump in my throat Antero was already in his car.
I thanked the lord for keeping the highway patrol cars out of my way. I had surely lost my licence considering the speed I was keeping all the way to Eicca’s. I found an old rusty bike in his barn and with legs that felt like overcooked spaghetti I pedalled towards the opposite side of the small lake.
My heart beat fast in anticipation and I couldn’t help but think of the way he had looked at me; blue eyes burning with rage. Those eyes that used to look at me with such warmth that all I wanted to was to kiss him. He made me happy. I bit my lower lip hard to keep my emotions at bay. How could I treat him so badly? Eicca. I realised that I was silently repeating a mantra in my head, almost like praying. Please, please forgive me, please…
I made a turn and rode down the small hill that leads to the lake. There wasn’t really a beach but more like a small stony shore with an old wooden pier. It was a nice place and we had been there many times swimming with the kids.
Eicca sat by the shore with his head down. His bike leaned against a tall birch. As I dismounted the bike I thought that he must have heard me coming. Yet he sat motionless. I had now idea how to approach him but came to the conclusion that the only thing I could do was to try. I sat down besides him, but not too close. I could feel his heat radiating from his tall body. It was at that moment I realised that if I couldn’t make this work I would literally be out in the cold. No Eicca. No Apocalyptica. I turned to him slowly. The realisation that it was me who caused the hurt look on his face made my lungs feel like they were going to explode. Never in my life had I felt so much remorse before.
“Hei…” My voice was weak and sounded strange.
“Hei pienin paskapää…” Eicca uttered, but then he gave me a feeble smile.
The fact that he called me a short shit head didn’t matter; it was the way he said it that got my hopes up. I snickered and caught a loose strand of blond hair in between my shivering finger. Eicca sighed.
“So… You want me to leave?” I asked.
”Why? You just got here…”
“You know… I… really went at it…”
“I wasn’t too nice either…”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too. You came to me…That’s all that matters…”
“Antero talked some sense into me.” I chuckled.
Eicca’s infectious laughter rolled over the quiet lake and I started to laugh too in relief.
“That man can really wear you down alright.”
“It didn’t take that much… I just had to open my eyes.”
Eicca grew quiet when he heard how contemplative I sounded.
“Eicca I’m…”
I never got to finish the sentence. His lips found mine and a familiar wave of euphoria washed over me. How could I have doubted? I could never live without this, without him. Eicca hugged me tight and I buried my hands in his hair. We parted and sat in silence for a while, just looking at each other.
“So what do we do now?” I asked.
“What?”
“With everything. People. The band. Us.”
“I’ll think of something.”
“What are we…”
“Trust me Paavo. I take care of things. As always. You know that.”
“Yeah but…”
”Don’t you worry.” He smiled in that shrewd way that always makes me kind of curious but slightly scared at the same time. “Come Saturday and that big birthday party of Linde’s I’ll have figured something out.”
I didn’t see or speak to Eicca for the rest of that week and by Saturday afternoon I was a nervous wreck. I had a couple of shots of vodka to calm my nerves as I got ready to go to Linde’s party.
I got out of the cab and began to walk down the gravel path that led to the large white house on the hill. A neatly cut hedge framed the yard and I couldn’t remember if I had been there before. It was a beautiful house in a very nice neighbourhood. I smiled when I heard loud, heavy music as I got closer to the house and guessed that Linde’s posh neighbours were probably used to it by now. Voices and laughter mixed with the music.
My heart beat fast with anticipation when I walked up the steps and pressed the doorbell. A few seconds later the door opened and I knew instantly that it must have been Linde’s wife. She was short even though she wore high heels. She looked me over and a lovely smile spread across her pretty face.
“Ah, you must be Paavo, right? I’m Manna. Welcome!”
I never got a chance to answer. She grabbed my arm and led me into the house. There were people everywhere, some in suits and older than me, others in jeans and younger. I knew many of them but far from all. Manna left me for a short while to get me a drink and I watched her hug and kiss her way to the kitchen. She returned with a perfectly chilled Lapin Kulta. It was pretty obvious that she enjoyed being a hostess. She guided me to a large living room and we passed the famous tattoo artist that had done Gas’ Slayer inks. She had a small heartagram tattooed on one of her fingers. We found Linde and I whished him a happy birthday. Eicca was nowhere to be seen.
After a couple of more beers I found myself on a couch, talking to some guitarist who turned out to be Gas’ cousin from Sweden. I had a good time but couldn’t help but thinking about Eicca. The later the evening got the louder the music became. I went out on the terrace to get some air but ended up in a discussion about politics. The sun was going down but it didn’t keep me from feeling hot and sweaty. I was completely tensed and worried. Where was he? I had more beer by the time Manna served the birthday cake I was slightly drunk and to wound up to eat. I just sat with the plate in my lap, my eyes idly wandering across the room.
That was when I saw him.
Eicca.
He stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. He took my breath away. He wore black jeans and a plain black tee. His skin and hair looked so perfectly pale next to the dark fabric. Denim snug around his hips, a little too snug for me to keep my cool. And the way he looked at me sent shivers down my spine. It went beyond my comprehension how someone so beautiful could look so dirty. Lips pouting slightly. It amazed me how he, one of the most strong-minded persons I’ve ever known, could look so ready and willing. But the thing that turned me on the most was the way he literally consumed me with his eyes. The perfect and desirable Eicca Toppinen wanted me. I swallowed hard and the tightness in my jeans was almost painful.
He flashed me a smile, cracked his neck and walked into the crowded room. His burning eyes pierced me and I held my breath involuntarily. The loud music and all the laughter around me was drown out by the throbbing sound of my heartbeats ringing in my ears. He towered above me and then he did it.
He leaned in and kissed me. Quick and soft but still a kiss right on the lips. I gasped for air. Eicca looked kind of disappointed when he realised that no one saw since his long hair had fallen down like a curtain around our faces. But Eicca has never been the one who gives up easily. He took the plate from my hands and placed it on the coffee table then, slow and very deliberately, he straddled me. He tossed his hair to one side and kissed me again. This time deeper and more passionately.
I could hear the conversation around us coming to an end. I couldn’t blame them. I was speechless too. Eicca stood up, grabbed me by the hand and pulled me on to my feet.
“Come let’s go outside.”
I simply nodded and followed him out on the terrace. He gave me a quick peck in the lips.
“You can breathe now,” Eicca smiled.
“What…? Why…?”
“I figured if everyone knows it won’t be a secret any longer. No secrets, no news, nothing to worry about.”
“But what about…” I couldn’t get my thoughts straight so I stopped.
“The band? I’ve talked to Antero about this. And Perttu… You know Perttu; he got plain nosy and asked for details.”
“But the…?”
“Record label? Well I’m Eicca Toppinen and I do whatever I want to. If they don’t like it the can go fuck themselves.”
I figured that Antero might have had a greater part in this that Eicca led on. And that made me smile.
“So…?”
“Now I’m gonna take you home and we will finally have that make up sex we missed out on a couple of days ago.”
I had seen it before but never quiet noticed it and I had definitely not been there. The small gazebo was located at the edge of the lawn, right by the lake and almost in the woods. He had sent me to the kitchen fetching beer. He reasoned that neither one of us were champagne guys even though the occasion kind of called for it. When I returned the faint glow from at least twenty candles reflected in the windows. It made Eicca’s fair skin glow. I looked around the small space; candles everywhere and a mattress on the pale hardwood floor. I recognized it immediately, I had spent countless nights on it. After working hard, too tired to drive home or after partying hard, too drunk to drive home.
Eicca closed the door and kicked his shoes off. He sat down on the mattress and looked seductively up at me. Blue eyes darkened and full lips slightly parted. It was time to me to make up for my bad behavior, to show him how much I regretted our fight. Slowly I got down on my knees in front of him, but not too close, out of his reach.
“So… How may I service you?” I used my softest, sweetest voice, consuming him with my eyes.
“Suck me…” Eicca mumbled. Words mixing with his moan, dripping with lust and want.
I crawled closer and Eicca got up on his knees. I hooked my fingers in the belt loops of his tight jeans.
“With pleasure…” I whispered and let my fingers wander to the fly of his jeans.
I opened it and tugged the denim down his long legs, accessing his splendid hard on. I closed my lips tightly around the outline of the head, the thin cotton of his boxer’s separating my tongue from his skin, and blew hard. He gasped as my hot breath hit him and knotted his hand in my short hair. I kept on torturing him until the fabric around his head was damp.
“Stop… teasing me…” he groaned.
I just smiled up at him and pulled down his boxers. Before he had the chance to register what I had done I poked my tongue out and licked up the small drops of clear liquid the was glistening on the tip of his cock. I could tell by the way his legs were trembling that he had to use all his will power not to shove his cock deep down my throat.
“Mmm…” I mumbled in between licks.
Then I let him slip inside my warmth. I took him by surprise and swallowed down most of his astounding length, almost down to the root. The feel of his hard and slick cock thrusting in between my lips combined with the whimpering moans that left his beautiful mouth was like heaven. I was lost. And so was he, Eicca could not hold back any longer and began to work faster in and out of my mouth. I used my tongue was much as I possibly could, trying my best to make him feel good.
Panting moans left his luscious lips as I increased the speed. I grabbed his hips, eager to have him even closer. Suddenly I felt his throbbing hard cock twitch in my mouth in a very familiar way. He was close. Firm hands on my shoulders pushed me off of him. He swayed slightly and for a while he looked like he was about to faint. He panted like he had forgotten how to breathe and sunk down on his knees right before me. I looked at him disappointedly and licked my lips. His hair looked tousled and his cheeks were sprinkled with tiny red dots of exertion.
“… and now?” I whispered with an almost unnoticeable treble in my voice.
I had to will my fingers away from the bulge in my jeans. My eyes wandered to the small tube and the purple, oblong item sitting innocently on the small bench to our right. Eicca met my eyes and smiled wickedly.
“You’re mine.”
“Yes Eicca and I’ll do whatever you want me to…” My sultry voice dripped with want. “What do you want me to do?”
“Prepare. Make yourself ready for me. Now.”
Like always him ordering me around turned me on beyond beliefs. I fetched the objects from the bench and like in a trance I sipped out of my clothes, teasingly slow. Eicca’s eyes didn’t leave me for a single second as I began to touch myself. The friction of my own hand made me whimper. I opened the tube and distributed the clear liquid over the rubber device. My hand trembled as I put the tube back. I lay down on the mattress, hoisting myself up on my elbows so I could look at him properly. Parted my legs and with a low moan I stroked my aching cock with the thingy before I pushed it inside of me. Provokingly slow I prepared myself, letting my muscles relax, getting ready to have him in the ultimate way.
Eicca’s eyes travelled over my body, over my chest, down to my longing cock. He moved his hand slowly over his hard on. I didn’t dare to touch myself. I knew I would come right on the spot. I thrust deep with one long fluid stroke and tilted my head back in pleasure.
“… fuck me…” I hissed.
His eyes burned with need and he got down over me, discarding the rest of his clothes on the way. He pushed my hand aside and slipped the object out of me. I sighed with frustration but the sigh transformed into an anticipating whimper as he flipped my leg up on his shoulder and enveloped my longing flesh with his competent fingers. My hands fisted the mattress. I had never seen him so turned on before. His blue eyes darkened like deep forest ponds around midnight.
“Please!” I begged. ”Fuck me! Fuck me now!”
I knew he couldn’t resist me begging. He grabbed me by the hips and entered me. Finally. I bit my hand, muffling my needy groans and held on to his arms with the other hand as he set a slow pace, burying himself considerately deep inside of me. Meeting each and every thrust I urged him to go faster, harder, deeper. Smilingly he obliged. He removed my hand from my mouth and entwined his fingers with mine.
“I wanna hear you… Talk to me Paavo.”
“Please…” I whimpered.
My feelings for him was overwhelming and my need even stronger. His demand wasn’t easy to please.
“Take me…”
When he folded his fingers around me and began to stroke me off I lost all my abilities to speak. Eicca on the other hand has the multitasking capability of an efficient secretary on speed. He managed to move steady up and down my length, hitting my spot just perfectly and still kiss me without being sloppy.
He straightened up, long hair tickling my chest, and looked me in the eyes.
“So close… Let me see you come. Come for me…”
With a sigh I obliged.
I had to force my eyes open so I could watch him. To see his eyes close, his forehead wrinkle and the way he bit his lower lip.
I don’t know for how long we lay there speechless. I looked at the amazing blonde by my side. His hair was messy and his skin damp with sweat but he was still the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Eicca smiled back at me and tucked a couple of loose strands behind his ear. I couldn’t resist kissing him. The windows of the gazebo were fogged and it was getting a bit chilly. Eicca took out a duvet from under a bench and tucked us in. I placed my head on his shoulder and my hand in his. Comfortable. Perfect. I relished the closeness and love that I felt for him. I was a bit scared but together with Eicca I knew I nothing could go wrong.