Copied from my tumblr
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life the last couple days. It comes with going through a bout of depression. So here’s some thoughts I needed to express:
1. There’s a certain comfort for being in being depressed. For the last few months, my mood has been incredibly stable. Probably more stable than any other period of my life after the age of ten. It felt so weird to feel normal. I started to doubt that I had the right to say I have bipolar disorder. Oddly enough, as much as having bipolar sucks, I would never rid myself of it. Maybe it’s a never ending cycle - mental illness makes me feel the need to be different and “special,” and mental illness makes me feel different than other people. I am glad that this depression seems to be pretty mellow compared to past moods. I’m not suicidal. I can get out of bed in the morning and go to work.
2. If I could relive college again, if I has the chance to report my sexual assault the night it happened, I still wouldn’t. I know the role I played, and I know that it wasn’t my fault. At the same time, I can’t find it in myself to feel mad at him about it. I don’t hold any resentment toward him anymore. For a few years, it really screwed up my ability to have physical intimacy with anyone. But it’s alright now. Plus, I know now (as a prosecutor) that my case wouldn’t have gone anywhere. There just wouldn’t have been enough evidence to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt.
3. I’ve had two really decent relationships amid a number of terrible and sometimes abusive ones. Both of the good ones were ended so I could further my career. Now I have the job I want, and I have a strong suspicion that if I stay where I am, I will probably die alone.