Fanfics
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I'm posting here a after quite a long time. I've got two fics which I wrote quite a long time back.
Title: I've Done It Again
Fandom: Harry Potter
Genre: Angst (One shot)
Rating: G
Word Count: 1966
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all its characters were created by JK Rowling. I don't own any of it.
A/N: Written Post HBP.
Summary: Remus Lupin has a lot on his plate and is feeling lonely and confused. He pays a visit to the Weasleys to try to get his priorities in order. Will talking out his issues help him, or hurt him? And how will he deal with an unexpected visitor? An HBP missing moment.
Remus Lupin hastily entered The Burrow, trying his best to get away from many things. For one, it was raining heavily but mostly he just needed to talk to someone. He had desperately tried to avoid facing most of the Weasleys and the Order, but in vain. Somehow, he ended up seeing them almost every day. Facing them would mean starting a huge discussion about his new task and how it was going.
And then, there was Nymphadora…The more he tried to distance himself from her, the harder it seemed. She was the last person he wanted to face. Avoiding the Order included her especially. Remus always seemed to get distracted by seeing Nymphadora. He kept on gazing at her and this made it so hard for him to stay away from her. She was so beautiful and sweet. Remus figured he was falling for her. He had probably had deep affection for Nymphadora for a few years now. It was remarkable how he had ignored it all along. And now, it was uncontrollable; Remus could hardly let go of it. But he also knew that he wasn’t right for her.
He was a poor werewolf who would be a danger to her. He had to be hard on her so as to make sure he didn’t destroy her future. Remus shuddered to think of the full moon and how much harm he could cause others. He couldn’t bear to see Nymphadora being hurt, and for that he needed behave badly with her at times. But his harshness was causing her terrible pain. And Remus was torn in between. She did say that she loved him and it was clearly visible in her eyes through the way she looked at him. But Remus had avoided and ignored her all the time. Or at least he had pretended to.
The worst part was how pale Nymphadora looked these days. She didn’t have her bubble-gum pink hair anymore and wasn’t the cheerful self she used to be. The remarkable part was that she wasn’t clumsy anymore. Remus knew it had something to do with him. It was probably the way he had shouted at her when she told him about her feelings towards him. He had just pushed her away like an insensitive man.
Remus hadn't meant to be so cruel, but he just didn't know any other way to get the point across. After that, Nymphadora’s eyes were always tearful and she hardly spoke. But he was helpless and had his own reasons to behave like that with her. If only she knew his position, then it wouldn’t be as bad as it seemed. What if he attacked her someday?
Remus thought tea with Arthur and Molly would make him feel much better. After all, he couldn't avoid them forever. He looked around and found the kitchen empty. He sat down at the kitchen table and let out a sigh. He was extremely exhausted these days because he had to attend werewolf meetings and talk about biting humans, which he didn’t like at all. It made him feel sick. These past few weeks had been so…hectic. It had felt like he was carrying a huge burden. Not that it had lifted, but he still needed to talk. Remus had lost his last living Marauder friend. Sirius had gone through the veil right in front of his eyes. And now he was constantly hurting Nymphadora. These unhappy thoughts made him shudder and his eyes pricked but he held the tears back. Just like he had been holding everything else back.
The door opened with a cracking sound and Molly Weasley entered the room. She looked up and an expression of surprise crossed her face. She smiled softly and said, “Oh! Remus, it’s you. I was just about to make tea.” She heated the kettle and began to prepare tea. From the other side of the kitchen, she started speaking again. “What brings you here? The rain, I suppose.”
Remus took a deep breath. “Yeah, that and something else. I need to talk to you and Arthur.” He found his thoughts flying back to Tonks again. Her hurt and upset face kept haunting him horribly.
“Arthur is going to be home around midnight,” Molly said, exasperatedly. “What is it that you want to talk about, Remus?” she inquired. When she noticed the complete silence, she continued. “It’s Tonks, isn’t it?” Molly asked with a knowing look.
When Remus hesitated, she spoke again. “Remus, it is really childish of you to behave this way. Why are you doing this? You know you are causing her a lot of pain. She’s only a girl--” Molly broke off, looking at him exasperatedly.
“Yes, Molly! She is a girl…” Remus interrupted, punching the table with his fist. At this Molly gave him a reproachful look but Remus avoided her eyes. “And do you find it reasonable to agree with her? Isn’t she being impractical?” he questioned, finding it hard to keep the sadness out of his voice. What he was saying was true, yet it sounded so unconvincing to him.
Molly merely stared at him. She had forgotten about the teapot on the stove which was now pouring out its contents to the floor. As soon as she noticed it, she hurried rushed towards the stove.
“No, Remus. Tonks is very reasonable and practical, unlike you,” Molly said, cleaning up the mess with her wand. Not wanting to go through the tea making process again, she refilled the teapot with a flick of her wand. “You’re trying to run away from the truth. You don’t want to face the consequences, as I can see. You really shouldn’t wonder about what might happen to her or what dangers you might cause her. Think of your feelings! ” She poured the contents of the teapot into three different blue cups and placed them on the counter.
Remus shut his eyes, trying to block the piercing light and everything else out of view. He heaved a sigh and tried to get rid of the lump in his throat. He wished this subject hadn’t come up, even though he was the one who came to Molly, saying he needed to talk. A moment later, he felt Molly standing in front of him. Remus opened his eyes and took the cup of tea that Molly handed to him. Molly sat on the chair, which was at the opposite side of the table
“Thanks. It’s not that…I---well…have my reasons too,” he stammered, failing to keep the depression out of voice.
Molly sighed as she set the cup down on the table. “What reasons? Is it because she’s too young or the fact that you’re a werewolf and not well off?” she questioned. Remus remained silent. “If these are your reasons, Remus, then I must say she already knows about them. And she doesn’t even care! You’re being ridiculous, Remus! ”
“Well, have you seen Kingsley, recently?” He tried to change the subject.
“Don’t change the subject, Remus Lupin! You heard me, right? She doesn’t really care about those things,” said Molly. She seemed determined to get an answer.
“Now she doesn’t, but she’ll soon be regretting,” Remus whispered solemnly. “She doesn’t know how it is. On full moon, I’m a vicious monster and not the person she knows,” he said in a cracked voice. He felt sick with each word that came out of his mouth . They were causing him immense discomfort instead of making him feel better. How he wished he hadn’t been bitten by a werewolf! “I’m a werewolf, Molly! Isn’t that a good enough reason? ”
For a moment, there was silence. Molly’s eyes were glassy and she looked like she was about to shed tears. All she could say was “Remus!” in a voice full of pity. Remus could instantly see that he was being obvious about his feelings. He half wished he hadn’t come over to talk about it. For the past few years he had done a good job of hiding his feelings from everyone but now, especially in this case, it had become so hard.
“Remus, are you going to answer one last question?” asked Molly, in an upset voice. She looked serious and was still holding back the tears.
Remus just stared at her, dreading what was coming his way. He stiffened and regained his composure. He nodded slightly, meaning to say ‘yes’, because he couldn’t speak from the overwhelming intensity of the situation.
“Tonks…she’s so upset about it that she can’t change her appearance anymore. Did you notice the change in her appearance? She looks exactly like you, Remus,” Molly said, smiling sadly. Molly glanced over Remus’s shoulder and suddenly beamed. Remus assumed that she had checked her clock and Arthur must be on his way home. “Remus, she loves you. And she has this ridiculous feeling you don’t really care much about her. That isn’t true, right?”
Remus was mildly surprised by her words. He had expected something of the sort but the way Molly put it was just so touching. “I can’t just answer that; not now,” he said, earnestly. And then, when he received a disappointed look from Molly, he sighed. “I care about her, Molly. That is the reason I’m being so…harsh.” That was all he could say. He felt a little impatient because Molly had forced so many things out of him. He hadn’t wanted to say that much.
Molly beamed even brighter and let out a small gasp. “I always knew that, Remus,” smiled Molly. “But someone else should have known it, too.” She gestured to the far end of the room where a witch was standing. Nymphadora. Her eyes were tearful and she was as pale as ever.
Remus’s throat had gone dry and he was speechless. He took a quick glance at Tonks. Even though she seemed pale and miserable, Remus found her as beautiful as she always looked. Molly stood up and made her way towards the door. Remus wished she wouldn’t, as he would be left alone with Nymphadora, but before he could speak, the door had closed behind Molly.
For moments there was silence in which they both stared at each other. Nymphadora still stood at the doorway, tears falling down her pink cheeks. Not wanting to lose his control, Remus made his way towards the door. When he was nearly in front of her, Remus carefully avoided her eyes. He stood there for quite a few minutes before realizing what he was doing. He'd come dangerously close to doing something he knew he'd regret. And then, he suddenly pushed open the door and made his way out of the kitchen hurriedly.
When Remus was outside, still near the door, he was sure he heard an outburst of sobs. He felt a pang of guilt inside and said with resignation to himself, “I’ve done it again.”
a/n: I would like to thank my amazing beta, wishiwereaweasley for helping me with everything. Don't forget to review.
Title: I Don't Trust Myself
Fandom: Harry Potter
Genre: Angst (One shot)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2809
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all its characters were created by JK Rowling. I don't own any of it.
A/N: Written before DH. Set in HBP. This story is a sequel to my other one-shot I've Done It Again but it can stand on its own
Summary: Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Remus Lupin is distressed after the death of Albus Dumbledore. As he reflects on his thoughts, he realises there is something else troubling him. Can he trust himself enough to deal with his troubles?
There was a fierce, chilly wind rushing along as Remus Lupin made his way up the quiet streets of Hogsmeade. The night was still quite dark, but there was a slight hint of the dawn approaching. The street, which was distinctly empty, had been gripped by an awkward silence. Even the trees seemed to be strangely hushed. Under normal circumstances, this would have seemed rather eerie to most people. However, to Remus it was relatively more comforting than anything else had been tonight, and perhaps during the year as well.
It was a chance for Remus to get away from everyone for more reasons than one. For all the awkwardness and the embarrassment he had faced during the year, there had been nothing more distressing than what he had experienced at the Hospital Wing an hour ago.
When Remus had learned of Dumbledore’s death back in the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts, he hadn’t been able to control his emotions. He had even been close to tears. It was never easy for anyone to comprehend the fact that someone was dead. However, this time it seemed too difficult to believe.
Albus Dumbledore, the man who always supported those who were treated unfairly, the man who gave everyone hope and courage to fight, and the man who had gladly allowed a dangerous werewolf the right to take his education at Hogwarts. He was gone, he was dead, and was never going to come back. There was no way possible for Remus to easily take the death of someone he had looked up to as a child and admired still, but he knew he would be making it harder for himself by denying the truth.
Remus knew that perhaps there were quite a lot of people who had similar feelings to his, but he felt overloaded with too many thoughts, questions, and worries. He always felt that times like these brought people closer because they needed each other’s affection and care. Molly and Fleur, for example, never looked like they could agree on anything before, but it all turned out differently back in the Hospital Wing. Surely, that was because they both cared for Bill so much. They could share their difficulties and grief with each other because they were family.
It seemed that whatever happened in the Hospital Wing just showed the importance of love and family among all the panic and terror. Remus didn’t have a family; he had no one to share his thoughts with, but he never pitied himself for it. He knew that a person like him could never have friends and family. He was a dangerous beast, a werewolf, who was despised by most people in the Wizarding community. Maybe he could have had Nymphadora; he was tempted to think of what might have been if he had not been so determined to push her away for her own good.
Merlin, it would be best if he could get out of this place as soon as possible. After all, what was the point in walking in the silence, which was causing him to reflect on his thoughts so much?
“Maybe I should just Apparate home,” Remus muttered to himself, looking around to find out in which part of Hogsmeade he stood.
He had been so deeply immersed in his thoughts that he had lost track of everything. He soon realised that he was a few miles from the Three Broomsticks, and after listening closely, he heard a few noises coming out of the bar. His hand reached into his pocket instinctively and he took out his wand.
Remus couldn’t make out much in the darkness but as he edged closer in the direction of the bar, the voices grew ever louder. Remus kept his wand within inches of himself and advanced further to listen properly.
“What do you think you’re doing, threatening me with your wand and inspecting my bar like this?” screamed an infuriated voice, which Remus recalled as Rosmerta’s - the proprietor of the Three Broomsticks. Even though she sounded offended, there was a hint of confusion in her voice.
“Please, Rosmerta,” said an exasperated voice, which Remus recognized at once to be Nymphadora Tonks’s. “I was not threatening you; it’s all a part of the inspection.”
“I assume you are still not going to tell me why I’m being inspected?” questioned Rosmerta. Remus was now inches from the door of the Three Broomsticks, his heart beating furiously. It didn’t seem like Rosmerta was still under the Imperius Curse, nor that Nymphadora was in any serious danger. However, Remus couldn’t help feeling concerned for Nymphadora.
Just then, Nymphadora spoke in a dejected voice, “I’ve already explained everything to you, Rosmerta.”
“I refuse to believe that! You can’t just-” Rosmerta’s voice was cut off.
“Then just talk to Minerva about it!” snapped Nymphadora. “I’m done inspecting here. You seem alright, so I’ll get going.”
Remus instinctively retreated and started to walk away from the door. He couldn’t afford to be seen by Nymphadora so he decided once again to Apparate, but for the second time that night he was put off on the verge of Apparition. The door of the Three Broomsticks closed shut behind him.
“R-Remus?” called Nymphadora in a shaky voice. “Is that you?”
Remus froze on the spot. He knew he could Apparate within a second and Nymphadora would never know that he had been standing there, but something inside was holding him back. Without knowing why, Remus turned around and faced her. He could see her heart-shaped face in the dim light of the rising sun. She looked exhausted and the paleness in her appearance struck him vividly. She was a few inches away, looking at him in disbelief, as though he was the last person she had expected to run into.
Remus was surprised he was still standing there, on most occasions he would have tried to run away from the situation, but not this time. He wanted to be near Nymphadora, he wanted to make sure she was alright, perhaps because he felt guilty of having hurt her too much and he didn’t want to do it once more. But he also felt his presence wasn’t helping the situation much, and was only making the two of them more uncomfortable. All this time Remus was trying not to look straight into her eyes. The rapidly growing silence was much more piercing than before and he wished someone would break it.
However, it didn’t last long because a moment later, Nymphadora raised her wand and spoke in a shaky voice, “Are you really Remus Lupin?” The question sounded forced to Remus. It was as though, like him, Nymphadora was unsure of what to say. “What colour was my hair when I first met you?”
He half-smiled to himself as he took a moment to appreciate Nymphadora’s presence of mind. “It was purple,” Remus said, remembering the day he had first been introduced to her as an Order member. “And you said it was because you wanted to try a darker shade that day.”
Remus noticed Nymphadora blush slightly as she lowered her wand. She looked even graver. “What are you doing in Hogsmeade now?” she asked; there was a hint of discomfort in her voice.
Remus had no reason to lie to her, although he intended to keep the part about Rosmerta to himself. He felt that it would anger her to know that he had been eavesdropping. “I was just going to Apparate back home,” he said, truthfully.
“Oh, I see,” she whispered almost inaudibly. She became quiet once more and there was again an awkward silence. The two of them stood there in the middle of Hogsmeade, unsure of what to say next.
“Uh, were you on guard duty or something?” Remus asked all of a sudden. The question was an attempt to keep on talking and try to find out what had happened at the Three Broomsticks.
“Not really,” she replied in a hoarse whisper. “I was here to check on Rosmerta because Minerva asked me to.”
“So is she alright?” Remus asked, trying not to sound too keen on the matter, but failing miserably. He was sure he saw Nymphadora raise an eyebrow as she heard him.
“Yes, she is fine,” she said, looking at him skeptically. “When I reached the bar, I found her quite well and the Imperius Curse had worn off, thankfully.”
For a moment, Remus wanted to ask, “Are you sure?” but the thought of the annoyance it would cause her stopped him in his tracks. So instead he asked, “Did you talk to her?”
Nymphadora nodded and let out a sigh, making her seem even more exhausted. “She was in a state of shock and wouldn’t believe me at all, at first,” she whispered feebly. Remus noticed that she seemed to be really struggling to speak. “I couldn’t really bring myself to tell her what she had done under the Curse, you see. It would have hurt her too much.”
She seemed slightly embarrassed and looked down at her feet. Remus knew she hated revealing her vulnerability to others but this had nothing to with being vulnerable. It was about having emotions and there was nothing wrong with that. Remus felt like embracing her because she looked like she needed it, but he knew it would just get her hopes up too much.
“You did the right thing,” Remus said comfortingly, moving slightly closer carefully, caught in two minds. It was becoming increasingly difficult to stay away from her. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze, and saw Nymphadora tremble slightly. “Rosmerta already had a lot on her plate. We can explain everything to her later.”
“That’s what I thought too,” she muttered, shaking slightly as she withdrew her hand from his. And then, she finally mustered the courage straighten up and compose herself. “I-I think I better get going and, um, thanks.”
Her voice was rather hesitant and it made Remus flinch slightly. He felt a pang of guilt strike him as he remembered the incident at the Hospital Wing, and he was sure Nymphadora had recalled it as well.
“But I don’t care, either! I don’t care! I’ve told you a million times…”
Nymphadora seemed to have taken heart from the way Fleur reacted to Bill’s uncertain health condition to muster up the courage to scream her thoughts out in front of everyone. Her strained and exhausted voice was still ringing in his ears. Nothing could have described the sinking feeling inside him at that moment. It was one thing dealing with her when they were alone, and another when a dozen people surrounded them, many of whom were school students. If only Remus could have shouted his own feelings out, then Nymphadora would know he wasn’t so heartless and insensitive after all.
Remus knew that he had hurt Nymphadora a great deal by denying her and avoiding her for the whole of the past year. She had turned so pale and so unlike herself during this time that it vividly reminded him of how much pain he seemed to have caused her. But no one knew how much it aggrieved him to do so. Remus did love her, he loved her a lot, but he just wanted her happiness. And he had been so sure living with an old, poor werewolf would not make her happy. But now that he looked at her pale and forlorn appearance, a storm of confusion was raging inside him. Did he really know what would make her happy?
Before it had been so easy to avoid her and refuse to let her into his life. But now Remus could feel his resolve weakening. He had a strong urge to stop Nymphadora from leaving and explain to her why had pushed her away. Why was he losing control? Remus closed his eyes, hoping that doing so would bring about an end to all his problems.
“Nymphadora,” Remus said, turning towards her but refusing to look at her directly in the eyes. Words were lost among all the emotions soaring through his mind. “I-I’m…”
“Yes?” Nymphadora. She stared at him uncertainly, clearly taken aback. She did not speak as she waited patiently for him to complete his sentence.
Remus stared at her in amazement as he felt himself turn slightly red. She had edged rather close without him noticing it. All that he had wanted to tell her got stuck in his throat.
“I’m sorry…for everything.”
Remus had a lot more to tell her but the words had deserted him. He could see disappointment in Nymphadpra’s eyes as she took her eyes off him. She was now looking at one of the houses nearby, avoiding his gaze.
A minute later, she took a deep breath and looked at him in what he interpreted as a mixture of fury and misery. “Is that,” she began in a shaky voice, “what you have to say after all this? ‘I’m sorry?’”
He was only a few inches away from her and could see that she was nearly in tears but was making an effort not to cry. Remus felt disgusted by his own conduct. He had wanted to make things alright, but he ended up making them worse than they were. If only he could have said the right things, everything would be different. Remus knew he had to put things right and clear them up.
“Listen to me,” Remus whispered nervously, grasping both her hands tenderly and looking into her watery eyes. “I really am sorry for hurting you. I felt it was for your own good-”
“But that’s where you’re wrong,” she said impatiently, cutting him off. “You’re being so silly!”
Remus smiled weakly.
“Yes, that’s what you think,” he told Nymphadora, and he was pleased to notice her eyes weren’t watery anymore. “But you must understand the danger that you will put yourself in. I’m a poor, unemployed werewolf and I’m much older than you. I don’t understand, Nymphadora, why you are still so persistent about this relationship?”
“What do you mean you don’t understand? Haven’t I told you a million times already?” she said, looking at him in exasperation and freeing her hands from his grasp. “I don’t care, Remus, because I love you! It doesn’t matter to me that you’re a werewolf or that you’re old or anything else. We are all in danger anyway - there is a war going on. I just love you, Remus. Don’t be foolish and push me away for such irrelevant reasons.”
Remus had heard her say those words so many times that it was surprising to him how much they affected him at that particular instant. He had known all along that Nymphadora never cared about the consequences of being with a werewolf. But somehow he had never been able to not care about it himself. He was too scared that he would harm her. She was the only person who had loved him for what he was. But maybe she was right. He was just being silly. Letting her in his life couldn’t possibly put her in any more danger than she was already facing.
Remus felt very ashamed of his cowardly act. How could he let his fear get the better of him? It didn’t seem right. He wasn’t going to let his fear get in the way of the one chance of happiness he had. He looked at the tired-looking woman with mousy brown hair. A woman who used to be bright and sprightly had only become such an extreme contrast to her usual self because of him. He didn’t want to hurt her or deprive her of the truth anymore.
“I love you, too, Nymphadora,” he whispered, breathing heavily as he felt nervous excitement spread all over him. It was impossible to speak any further. Slowly and gently, he pressed his lips to hers, meaning to pour all his emotions in the kiss. It was short but tender and unlike anything he had felt before. It was perfect bliss. “I always have.”
Remus gazed at her curiously searching for a reaction. There was bright twinkle in her dark eyes that could have, according Remus, outshone the sunlight. Her breathing was growing rapid and a genuine smile graced her lips for the first time in months. It was the same infectious smile that usually caused Remus to smile with her and it wasn’t any different this time.
I'm posting here a after quite a long time. I've got two fics which I wrote quite a long time back.
Title: I've Done It Again
Fandom: Harry Potter
Genre: Angst (One shot)
Rating: G
Word Count: 1966
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all its characters were created by JK Rowling. I don't own any of it.
A/N: Written Post HBP.
Summary: Remus Lupin has a lot on his plate and is feeling lonely and confused. He pays a visit to the Weasleys to try to get his priorities in order. Will talking out his issues help him, or hurt him? And how will he deal with an unexpected visitor? An HBP missing moment.
Remus Lupin hastily entered The Burrow, trying his best to get away from many things. For one, it was raining heavily but mostly he just needed to talk to someone. He had desperately tried to avoid facing most of the Weasleys and the Order, but in vain. Somehow, he ended up seeing them almost every day. Facing them would mean starting a huge discussion about his new task and how it was going.
And then, there was Nymphadora…The more he tried to distance himself from her, the harder it seemed. She was the last person he wanted to face. Avoiding the Order included her especially. Remus always seemed to get distracted by seeing Nymphadora. He kept on gazing at her and this made it so hard for him to stay away from her. She was so beautiful and sweet. Remus figured he was falling for her. He had probably had deep affection for Nymphadora for a few years now. It was remarkable how he had ignored it all along. And now, it was uncontrollable; Remus could hardly let go of it. But he also knew that he wasn’t right for her.
He was a poor werewolf who would be a danger to her. He had to be hard on her so as to make sure he didn’t destroy her future. Remus shuddered to think of the full moon and how much harm he could cause others. He couldn’t bear to see Nymphadora being hurt, and for that he needed behave badly with her at times. But his harshness was causing her terrible pain. And Remus was torn in between. She did say that she loved him and it was clearly visible in her eyes through the way she looked at him. But Remus had avoided and ignored her all the time. Or at least he had pretended to.
The worst part was how pale Nymphadora looked these days. She didn’t have her bubble-gum pink hair anymore and wasn’t the cheerful self she used to be. The remarkable part was that she wasn’t clumsy anymore. Remus knew it had something to do with him. It was probably the way he had shouted at her when she told him about her feelings towards him. He had just pushed her away like an insensitive man.
Remus hadn't meant to be so cruel, but he just didn't know any other way to get the point across. After that, Nymphadora’s eyes were always tearful and she hardly spoke. But he was helpless and had his own reasons to behave like that with her. If only she knew his position, then it wouldn’t be as bad as it seemed. What if he attacked her someday?
Remus thought tea with Arthur and Molly would make him feel much better. After all, he couldn't avoid them forever. He looked around and found the kitchen empty. He sat down at the kitchen table and let out a sigh. He was extremely exhausted these days because he had to attend werewolf meetings and talk about biting humans, which he didn’t like at all. It made him feel sick. These past few weeks had been so…hectic. It had felt like he was carrying a huge burden. Not that it had lifted, but he still needed to talk. Remus had lost his last living Marauder friend. Sirius had gone through the veil right in front of his eyes. And now he was constantly hurting Nymphadora. These unhappy thoughts made him shudder and his eyes pricked but he held the tears back. Just like he had been holding everything else back.
The door opened with a cracking sound and Molly Weasley entered the room. She looked up and an expression of surprise crossed her face. She smiled softly and said, “Oh! Remus, it’s you. I was just about to make tea.” She heated the kettle and began to prepare tea. From the other side of the kitchen, she started speaking again. “What brings you here? The rain, I suppose.”
Remus took a deep breath. “Yeah, that and something else. I need to talk to you and Arthur.” He found his thoughts flying back to Tonks again. Her hurt and upset face kept haunting him horribly.
“Arthur is going to be home around midnight,” Molly said, exasperatedly. “What is it that you want to talk about, Remus?” she inquired. When she noticed the complete silence, she continued. “It’s Tonks, isn’t it?” Molly asked with a knowing look.
When Remus hesitated, she spoke again. “Remus, it is really childish of you to behave this way. Why are you doing this? You know you are causing her a lot of pain. She’s only a girl--” Molly broke off, looking at him exasperatedly.
“Yes, Molly! She is a girl…” Remus interrupted, punching the table with his fist. At this Molly gave him a reproachful look but Remus avoided her eyes. “And do you find it reasonable to agree with her? Isn’t she being impractical?” he questioned, finding it hard to keep the sadness out of his voice. What he was saying was true, yet it sounded so unconvincing to him.
Molly merely stared at him. She had forgotten about the teapot on the stove which was now pouring out its contents to the floor. As soon as she noticed it, she hurried rushed towards the stove.
“No, Remus. Tonks is very reasonable and practical, unlike you,” Molly said, cleaning up the mess with her wand. Not wanting to go through the tea making process again, she refilled the teapot with a flick of her wand. “You’re trying to run away from the truth. You don’t want to face the consequences, as I can see. You really shouldn’t wonder about what might happen to her or what dangers you might cause her. Think of your feelings! ” She poured the contents of the teapot into three different blue cups and placed them on the counter.
Remus shut his eyes, trying to block the piercing light and everything else out of view. He heaved a sigh and tried to get rid of the lump in his throat. He wished this subject hadn’t come up, even though he was the one who came to Molly, saying he needed to talk. A moment later, he felt Molly standing in front of him. Remus opened his eyes and took the cup of tea that Molly handed to him. Molly sat on the chair, which was at the opposite side of the table
“Thanks. It’s not that…I---well…have my reasons too,” he stammered, failing to keep the depression out of voice.
Molly sighed as she set the cup down on the table. “What reasons? Is it because she’s too young or the fact that you’re a werewolf and not well off?” she questioned. Remus remained silent. “If these are your reasons, Remus, then I must say she already knows about them. And she doesn’t even care! You’re being ridiculous, Remus! ”
“Well, have you seen Kingsley, recently?” He tried to change the subject.
“Don’t change the subject, Remus Lupin! You heard me, right? She doesn’t really care about those things,” said Molly. She seemed determined to get an answer.
“Now she doesn’t, but she’ll soon be regretting,” Remus whispered solemnly. “She doesn’t know how it is. On full moon, I’m a vicious monster and not the person she knows,” he said in a cracked voice. He felt sick with each word that came out of his mouth . They were causing him immense discomfort instead of making him feel better. How he wished he hadn’t been bitten by a werewolf! “I’m a werewolf, Molly! Isn’t that a good enough reason? ”
For a moment, there was silence. Molly’s eyes were glassy and she looked like she was about to shed tears. All she could say was “Remus!” in a voice full of pity. Remus could instantly see that he was being obvious about his feelings. He half wished he hadn’t come over to talk about it. For the past few years he had done a good job of hiding his feelings from everyone but now, especially in this case, it had become so hard.
“Remus, are you going to answer one last question?” asked Molly, in an upset voice. She looked serious and was still holding back the tears.
Remus just stared at her, dreading what was coming his way. He stiffened and regained his composure. He nodded slightly, meaning to say ‘yes’, because he couldn’t speak from the overwhelming intensity of the situation.
“Tonks…she’s so upset about it that she can’t change her appearance anymore. Did you notice the change in her appearance? She looks exactly like you, Remus,” Molly said, smiling sadly. Molly glanced over Remus’s shoulder and suddenly beamed. Remus assumed that she had checked her clock and Arthur must be on his way home. “Remus, she loves you. And she has this ridiculous feeling you don’t really care much about her. That isn’t true, right?”
Remus was mildly surprised by her words. He had expected something of the sort but the way Molly put it was just so touching. “I can’t just answer that; not now,” he said, earnestly. And then, when he received a disappointed look from Molly, he sighed. “I care about her, Molly. That is the reason I’m being so…harsh.” That was all he could say. He felt a little impatient because Molly had forced so many things out of him. He hadn’t wanted to say that much.
Molly beamed even brighter and let out a small gasp. “I always knew that, Remus,” smiled Molly. “But someone else should have known it, too.” She gestured to the far end of the room where a witch was standing. Nymphadora. Her eyes were tearful and she was as pale as ever.
Remus’s throat had gone dry and he was speechless. He took a quick glance at Tonks. Even though she seemed pale and miserable, Remus found her as beautiful as she always looked. Molly stood up and made her way towards the door. Remus wished she wouldn’t, as he would be left alone with Nymphadora, but before he could speak, the door had closed behind Molly.
For moments there was silence in which they both stared at each other. Nymphadora still stood at the doorway, tears falling down her pink cheeks. Not wanting to lose his control, Remus made his way towards the door. When he was nearly in front of her, Remus carefully avoided her eyes. He stood there for quite a few minutes before realizing what he was doing. He'd come dangerously close to doing something he knew he'd regret. And then, he suddenly pushed open the door and made his way out of the kitchen hurriedly.
When Remus was outside, still near the door, he was sure he heard an outburst of sobs. He felt a pang of guilt inside and said with resignation to himself, “I’ve done it again.”
a/n: I would like to thank my amazing beta, wishiwereaweasley for helping me with everything. Don't forget to review.
Title: I Don't Trust Myself
Fandom: Harry Potter
Genre: Angst (One shot)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2809
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all its characters were created by JK Rowling. I don't own any of it.
A/N: Written before DH. Set in HBP. This story is a sequel to my other one-shot I've Done It Again but it can stand on its own
Summary: Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Remus Lupin is distressed after the death of Albus Dumbledore. As he reflects on his thoughts, he realises there is something else troubling him. Can he trust himself enough to deal with his troubles?
There was a fierce, chilly wind rushing along as Remus Lupin made his way up the quiet streets of Hogsmeade. The night was still quite dark, but there was a slight hint of the dawn approaching. The street, which was distinctly empty, had been gripped by an awkward silence. Even the trees seemed to be strangely hushed. Under normal circumstances, this would have seemed rather eerie to most people. However, to Remus it was relatively more comforting than anything else had been tonight, and perhaps during the year as well.
It was a chance for Remus to get away from everyone for more reasons than one. For all the awkwardness and the embarrassment he had faced during the year, there had been nothing more distressing than what he had experienced at the Hospital Wing an hour ago.
When Remus had learned of Dumbledore’s death back in the Hospital Wing at Hogwarts, he hadn’t been able to control his emotions. He had even been close to tears. It was never easy for anyone to comprehend the fact that someone was dead. However, this time it seemed too difficult to believe.
Albus Dumbledore, the man who always supported those who were treated unfairly, the man who gave everyone hope and courage to fight, and the man who had gladly allowed a dangerous werewolf the right to take his education at Hogwarts. He was gone, he was dead, and was never going to come back. There was no way possible for Remus to easily take the death of someone he had looked up to as a child and admired still, but he knew he would be making it harder for himself by denying the truth.
Remus knew that perhaps there were quite a lot of people who had similar feelings to his, but he felt overloaded with too many thoughts, questions, and worries. He always felt that times like these brought people closer because they needed each other’s affection and care. Molly and Fleur, for example, never looked like they could agree on anything before, but it all turned out differently back in the Hospital Wing. Surely, that was because they both cared for Bill so much. They could share their difficulties and grief with each other because they were family.
It seemed that whatever happened in the Hospital Wing just showed the importance of love and family among all the panic and terror. Remus didn’t have a family; he had no one to share his thoughts with, but he never pitied himself for it. He knew that a person like him could never have friends and family. He was a dangerous beast, a werewolf, who was despised by most people in the Wizarding community. Maybe he could have had Nymphadora; he was tempted to think of what might have been if he had not been so determined to push her away for her own good.
Merlin, it would be best if he could get out of this place as soon as possible. After all, what was the point in walking in the silence, which was causing him to reflect on his thoughts so much?
“Maybe I should just Apparate home,” Remus muttered to himself, looking around to find out in which part of Hogsmeade he stood.
He had been so deeply immersed in his thoughts that he had lost track of everything. He soon realised that he was a few miles from the Three Broomsticks, and after listening closely, he heard a few noises coming out of the bar. His hand reached into his pocket instinctively and he took out his wand.
Remus couldn’t make out much in the darkness but as he edged closer in the direction of the bar, the voices grew ever louder. Remus kept his wand within inches of himself and advanced further to listen properly.
“What do you think you’re doing, threatening me with your wand and inspecting my bar like this?” screamed an infuriated voice, which Remus recalled as Rosmerta’s - the proprietor of the Three Broomsticks. Even though she sounded offended, there was a hint of confusion in her voice.
“Please, Rosmerta,” said an exasperated voice, which Remus recognized at once to be Nymphadora Tonks’s. “I was not threatening you; it’s all a part of the inspection.”
“I assume you are still not going to tell me why I’m being inspected?” questioned Rosmerta. Remus was now inches from the door of the Three Broomsticks, his heart beating furiously. It didn’t seem like Rosmerta was still under the Imperius Curse, nor that Nymphadora was in any serious danger. However, Remus couldn’t help feeling concerned for Nymphadora.
Just then, Nymphadora spoke in a dejected voice, “I’ve already explained everything to you, Rosmerta.”
“I refuse to believe that! You can’t just-” Rosmerta’s voice was cut off.
“Then just talk to Minerva about it!” snapped Nymphadora. “I’m done inspecting here. You seem alright, so I’ll get going.”
Remus instinctively retreated and started to walk away from the door. He couldn’t afford to be seen by Nymphadora so he decided once again to Apparate, but for the second time that night he was put off on the verge of Apparition. The door of the Three Broomsticks closed shut behind him.
“R-Remus?” called Nymphadora in a shaky voice. “Is that you?”
Remus froze on the spot. He knew he could Apparate within a second and Nymphadora would never know that he had been standing there, but something inside was holding him back. Without knowing why, Remus turned around and faced her. He could see her heart-shaped face in the dim light of the rising sun. She looked exhausted and the paleness in her appearance struck him vividly. She was a few inches away, looking at him in disbelief, as though he was the last person she had expected to run into.
Remus was surprised he was still standing there, on most occasions he would have tried to run away from the situation, but not this time. He wanted to be near Nymphadora, he wanted to make sure she was alright, perhaps because he felt guilty of having hurt her too much and he didn’t want to do it once more. But he also felt his presence wasn’t helping the situation much, and was only making the two of them more uncomfortable. All this time Remus was trying not to look straight into her eyes. The rapidly growing silence was much more piercing than before and he wished someone would break it.
However, it didn’t last long because a moment later, Nymphadora raised her wand and spoke in a shaky voice, “Are you really Remus Lupin?” The question sounded forced to Remus. It was as though, like him, Nymphadora was unsure of what to say. “What colour was my hair when I first met you?”
He half-smiled to himself as he took a moment to appreciate Nymphadora’s presence of mind. “It was purple,” Remus said, remembering the day he had first been introduced to her as an Order member. “And you said it was because you wanted to try a darker shade that day.”
Remus noticed Nymphadora blush slightly as she lowered her wand. She looked even graver. “What are you doing in Hogsmeade now?” she asked; there was a hint of discomfort in her voice.
Remus had no reason to lie to her, although he intended to keep the part about Rosmerta to himself. He felt that it would anger her to know that he had been eavesdropping. “I was just going to Apparate back home,” he said, truthfully.
“Oh, I see,” she whispered almost inaudibly. She became quiet once more and there was again an awkward silence. The two of them stood there in the middle of Hogsmeade, unsure of what to say next.
“Uh, were you on guard duty or something?” Remus asked all of a sudden. The question was an attempt to keep on talking and try to find out what had happened at the Three Broomsticks.
“Not really,” she replied in a hoarse whisper. “I was here to check on Rosmerta because Minerva asked me to.”
“So is she alright?” Remus asked, trying not to sound too keen on the matter, but failing miserably. He was sure he saw Nymphadora raise an eyebrow as she heard him.
“Yes, she is fine,” she said, looking at him skeptically. “When I reached the bar, I found her quite well and the Imperius Curse had worn off, thankfully.”
For a moment, Remus wanted to ask, “Are you sure?” but the thought of the annoyance it would cause her stopped him in his tracks. So instead he asked, “Did you talk to her?”
Nymphadora nodded and let out a sigh, making her seem even more exhausted. “She was in a state of shock and wouldn’t believe me at all, at first,” she whispered feebly. Remus noticed that she seemed to be really struggling to speak. “I couldn’t really bring myself to tell her what she had done under the Curse, you see. It would have hurt her too much.”
She seemed slightly embarrassed and looked down at her feet. Remus knew she hated revealing her vulnerability to others but this had nothing to with being vulnerable. It was about having emotions and there was nothing wrong with that. Remus felt like embracing her because she looked like she needed it, but he knew it would just get her hopes up too much.
“You did the right thing,” Remus said comfortingly, moving slightly closer carefully, caught in two minds. It was becoming increasingly difficult to stay away from her. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze, and saw Nymphadora tremble slightly. “Rosmerta already had a lot on her plate. We can explain everything to her later.”
“That’s what I thought too,” she muttered, shaking slightly as she withdrew her hand from his. And then, she finally mustered the courage straighten up and compose herself. “I-I think I better get going and, um, thanks.”
Her voice was rather hesitant and it made Remus flinch slightly. He felt a pang of guilt strike him as he remembered the incident at the Hospital Wing, and he was sure Nymphadora had recalled it as well.
“But I don’t care, either! I don’t care! I’ve told you a million times…”
Nymphadora seemed to have taken heart from the way Fleur reacted to Bill’s uncertain health condition to muster up the courage to scream her thoughts out in front of everyone. Her strained and exhausted voice was still ringing in his ears. Nothing could have described the sinking feeling inside him at that moment. It was one thing dealing with her when they were alone, and another when a dozen people surrounded them, many of whom were school students. If only Remus could have shouted his own feelings out, then Nymphadora would know he wasn’t so heartless and insensitive after all.
Remus knew that he had hurt Nymphadora a great deal by denying her and avoiding her for the whole of the past year. She had turned so pale and so unlike herself during this time that it vividly reminded him of how much pain he seemed to have caused her. But no one knew how much it aggrieved him to do so. Remus did love her, he loved her a lot, but he just wanted her happiness. And he had been so sure living with an old, poor werewolf would not make her happy. But now that he looked at her pale and forlorn appearance, a storm of confusion was raging inside him. Did he really know what would make her happy?
Before it had been so easy to avoid her and refuse to let her into his life. But now Remus could feel his resolve weakening. He had a strong urge to stop Nymphadora from leaving and explain to her why had pushed her away. Why was he losing control? Remus closed his eyes, hoping that doing so would bring about an end to all his problems.
“Nymphadora,” Remus said, turning towards her but refusing to look at her directly in the eyes. Words were lost among all the emotions soaring through his mind. “I-I’m…”
“Yes?” Nymphadora. She stared at him uncertainly, clearly taken aback. She did not speak as she waited patiently for him to complete his sentence.
Remus stared at her in amazement as he felt himself turn slightly red. She had edged rather close without him noticing it. All that he had wanted to tell her got stuck in his throat.
“I’m sorry…for everything.”
Remus had a lot more to tell her but the words had deserted him. He could see disappointment in Nymphadpra’s eyes as she took her eyes off him. She was now looking at one of the houses nearby, avoiding his gaze.
A minute later, she took a deep breath and looked at him in what he interpreted as a mixture of fury and misery. “Is that,” she began in a shaky voice, “what you have to say after all this? ‘I’m sorry?’”
He was only a few inches away from her and could see that she was nearly in tears but was making an effort not to cry. Remus felt disgusted by his own conduct. He had wanted to make things alright, but he ended up making them worse than they were. If only he could have said the right things, everything would be different. Remus knew he had to put things right and clear them up.
“Listen to me,” Remus whispered nervously, grasping both her hands tenderly and looking into her watery eyes. “I really am sorry for hurting you. I felt it was for your own good-”
“But that’s where you’re wrong,” she said impatiently, cutting him off. “You’re being so silly!”
Remus smiled weakly.
“Yes, that’s what you think,” he told Nymphadora, and he was pleased to notice her eyes weren’t watery anymore. “But you must understand the danger that you will put yourself in. I’m a poor, unemployed werewolf and I’m much older than you. I don’t understand, Nymphadora, why you are still so persistent about this relationship?”
“What do you mean you don’t understand? Haven’t I told you a million times already?” she said, looking at him in exasperation and freeing her hands from his grasp. “I don’t care, Remus, because I love you! It doesn’t matter to me that you’re a werewolf or that you’re old or anything else. We are all in danger anyway - there is a war going on. I just love you, Remus. Don’t be foolish and push me away for such irrelevant reasons.”
Remus had heard her say those words so many times that it was surprising to him how much they affected him at that particular instant. He had known all along that Nymphadora never cared about the consequences of being with a werewolf. But somehow he had never been able to not care about it himself. He was too scared that he would harm her. She was the only person who had loved him for what he was. But maybe she was right. He was just being silly. Letting her in his life couldn’t possibly put her in any more danger than she was already facing.
Remus felt very ashamed of his cowardly act. How could he let his fear get the better of him? It didn’t seem right. He wasn’t going to let his fear get in the way of the one chance of happiness he had. He looked at the tired-looking woman with mousy brown hair. A woman who used to be bright and sprightly had only become such an extreme contrast to her usual self because of him. He didn’t want to hurt her or deprive her of the truth anymore.
“I love you, too, Nymphadora,” he whispered, breathing heavily as he felt nervous excitement spread all over him. It was impossible to speak any further. Slowly and gently, he pressed his lips to hers, meaning to pour all his emotions in the kiss. It was short but tender and unlike anything he had felt before. It was perfect bliss. “I always have.”
Remus gazed at her curiously searching for a reaction. There was bright twinkle in her dark eyes that could have, according Remus, outshone the sunlight. Her breathing was growing rapid and a genuine smile graced her lips for the first time in months. It was the same infectious smile that usually caused Remus to smile with her and it wasn’t any different this time.