(no subject)

Jan 14, 2007 21:46

[現在の気分|
annoyed as hell]

[現在の音楽|Skyline Pigeon - Elton John]

I'm waking up really early tomorrow morning so that I don't have to eat breakfast with my parents and I don't have to go to school with them and I want to go home really really late (well, as late as I can be assured that I won't get locked out of the house anyway, because WTFI'MNINETEENIN8DAYSANDISTILLDON'THAVEACOPYOFTHEHOUSEKEYS) so that I can spend as little time as possible with my parents and my sister.


I'm sick of being expected to cover up for my sister making a mess in her studies. I'm sick of being told that I'm not reaching my full potential. I'm sick of everyone telling me that I'm not going to be a doctor if I keep up the whole not-studying-seriously bit, because HEY, WHADDAYA KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE A DOCTOR. I'm sick of my parents telling me that I'm stupid. I'm sick of knowing that my brother is going to spend his college years studying to reach HIS dream. I'm sick of seeing my sister failing in school and getting scolded and then having to be included in the yelling that inevitably comes after. I'm sick of them telling me that my anime isn't helping me, because OH, LOOK, IF YOU'D LET ME GO INTO JAPANESE STUDIES OR SOMETHING ELSE THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE AND SO I WOULD STUDY AND IT MIGHT HELP ME GET A SCHOLARSHIP IN/TO JAPAN, MY ANIME WOULD HELP ME. I'm sick of having to be the perfect daughter just so that my parents have something to brag about. I'm sick of them telling me that they're sick of my whining about having to stay up late for studies but not complaining when I don't sleep because I'm downloading because HEY, AT LEAST STAYING UP TO DOWNLOAD WAS A CHOICE I MADE, SO I'M NOT GOING TO WHINE THAT I DIDN'T SLEEP BECAUSE OF IT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IT'S MY DOING -- SCHOOLWORK, ON THE OTHER HAND, DO YOU THINK I LIKE STAYING UP LATE TO DO SCHOOLWORK??? OF COURSE I WOULD COMPLAIN! I'm sick of my parents telling my brother that he shouldn't imitate his older sisters. I'm sick of not having anyone in this house listen to me. I'm sick of being scolded for crying then being told that I have no right to do so. I'm sick of being told that I'm always getting my way, because I'M NOT. I'm sick of keeping everything inside and not having any outlet other than my LJ, because I want to talk this all out with G-chan and Nina -- or at least get in a good long cry without anyone telling me off for doing so -- but I can't because in this house, the word PRIVACY does not exist for us siblings. I'm sick of it being okay for everyone else in this house to get mad and throw tantrums but when I do it I'm being immature and a brat. I'm sick of them giving me something I didn't ask for and then they use it against me ("YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL, WE DO THIS FOR YOU (the most often thing they say is taking us to the States twice) AND YET THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US -- BY POUTING AND FROWNING AND etc etc etc"). I'M SICK OF BEING TRAPPED IN THIS HOUSE.

I'M SICK OF MY DAD'S INSECURITY. I'M SICK OF REMEMBERING THAT EVER SINCE I WAS THREE, EVERYONE HAS BEEN BRAINWASHING ME THAT I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR. I'M SICK OF MY DAD TELLING ME THAT I'M DISRESPECTFUL BECAUSE I SAID THAT HE TOLD ME I WAS A QUITTER IF I WANTED TO SHIFT OUT OF BIO. (He DID say that -- I just reminded him, because they kept telling me that I'd rather listen to my friends tell me that I was a quitter. I got so sick of them badmouthing my friends that I tried to shut them up by telling them that no, none of my friends ever told me to quit, in fact they even ENCOURAGED me because they at least know that I DON'T LIKE WHAT I'M DOING, and you're the one who called me such. So what did they do? They yelled at me.)

DUH. If it was my dream to be a doctor, would I have put so much effort into my English and Creative Writing classes back in elementary and high school and not almost totally ignored my Science subjects? DUH.

But most of all, I'M SICK OF NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING BUT CRY BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN RELEASE ALL THIS ACCUMULATED ANGER THAT I CAN'T LET OUT OTHERWISE.

Gah. Sorry about that. I just really, really, really, really, really, REALLY needed to write that all out. I have nothing else to turn to except my LJ. I'm supposed to be studying Bio right now (and believe me, this time I actually WANT to -- taxonomy is easy so far), but I'm so upset that while I was trying to do so earlier, I kept crying whenever I looked at the worksheets for Biolab.
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