it was too easy. ridiculously so.
today i got up and thought resolutely that today, TODAY, was the day. i was going to quit working for k. it was going to have to be today. so i went in today and hugged and kissed them all day long and wispered in their ears that i'd love them both forever, and then, as i was about to leave, i had this totally heartbreaking conversation. it was crushing, but necessary:
i: k, i wanted to talk with you about something before i left today. it's really hard for me to say, because i love both of your children so much...but i would like this to be the last week that i babysit for you.
k: ok. that's fine. don't even bother coming in on friday then. e, say goodbye to holly. you're never going to see her again.
i: um. ok. you don't even want me to come on friday?
k: no. don't come. e, say goodbye to holly. give her a kiss. you'll never see her again.
at this point i have tears in my eyes. baby c is sitting in my lap, looking up at me with her big eyes, snot running out of her nose, which she is wiping on my sweater, somehow adoringly.
e: bye holly! see you tomorrow! see you tomorrow!
k: no, e, you will never see her ever again. holly is going byebye and you will never see her again. why did you decide to leave us, holly?
i: i just have so much schoolwork...i am really behind and...
k gets up and ushers e into the bathroom to go potty saying "say goodbye to holly, e, you will never see her ever again!"
i kissed baby c, tears running down my face, and put her down on the floor. she just looked up at me. she didn't understand. i got up and practically ran to the door. i tried to say "goodbye c. goodbye e." but the words caught in my throat. all i could hear was little e yelling "bye holly! see you tomorrow!" and his mother ansering "no, holly is leaving us forever. you will never see her ever again." over and over they said it. and i left crying hysterically and that was all there was to it.
it was terribly cruel and heartbreaking, all of it. i will never forget how terrible that moment was. to leave two people you have raised for a year and a half, so certain that they will never know you, and so aware of the struggle they will have ahead of them. and the way in which k spoke to me as i left, like one last and final jab to hurt me.
but now i suppose it's over. and that's for the best. my heart will ache for those two for a long, long while. and i know i will never be able to get that scene out of my head. but at least i am done working for them. as much as it hurts to leave e and c.
what an incredibly difficult and memorable and complicated moment that was in my life.
that's all i have to say for now.
i: k, i wanted to talk with you about something before i left today. it's really hard for me to say, because i love both of your children so much...but i would like this to be the last week that i babysit for you.
k: ok. that's fine. don't even bother coming in on friday then. e, say goodbye to holly. you're never going to see her again.
i: um. ok. you don't even want me to come on friday?
k: no. don't come. e, say goodbye to holly. give her a kiss. you'll never see her again.
at this point i have tears in my eyes. baby c is sitting in my lap, looking up at me with her big eyes, snot running out of her nose, which she is wiping on my sweater, somehow adoringly.
e: bye holly! see you tomorrow! see you tomorrow!
k: no, e, you will never see her ever again. holly is going byebye and you will never see her again. why did you decide to leave us, holly?
i: i just have so much schoolwork...i am really behind and...
k gets up and ushers e into the bathroom to go potty saying "say goodbye to holly, e, you will never see her ever again!"
i kissed baby c, tears running down my face, and put her down on the floor. she just looked up at me. she didn't understand. i got up and practically ran to the door. i tried to say "goodbye c. goodbye e." but the words caught in my throat. all i could hear was little e yelling "bye holly! see you tomorrow!" and his mother ansering "no, holly is leaving us forever. you will never see her ever again." over and over they said it. and i left crying hysterically and that was all there was to it.
it was terribly cruel and heartbreaking, all of it. i will never forget how terrible that moment was. to leave two people you have raised for a year and a half, so certain that they will never know you, and so aware of the struggle they will have ahead of them. and the way in which k spoke to me as i left, like one last and final jab to hurt me.
but now i suppose it's over. and that's for the best. my heart will ache for those two for a long, long while. and i know i will never be able to get that scene out of my head. but at least i am done working for them. as much as it hurts to leave e and c.
what an incredibly difficult and memorable and complicated moment that was in my life.
that's all i have to say for now.