2nd Chance Idol: Echo Chamber
When I think of this, what comes to mind are the rants and temper tantrums I've had with God, trapped inside my mind, and helpless to the invasions of the world's various different plights. The betrayals, gas lightings, and lies of my enemies building up, like a herd of elephants on my head. The success of everyone around me, but not mine, no matter how determined I was to be that perfect Child of God, forgiving all transgressions, merciful Christian woman that I thought I was suppose to be. Failures mounted, and escape attempts from co-dependence became futile. "Love your God" they said. "Vengeance is His." they said. "He will move mountains with your faith." they said. Finally, I had had it. NO, in fact, he was NOT moving ANY mountains, no matter how humble and obedient I became. In fact, the more humble and obedient I was, the more abuse, I suffered.
The whole world, it seemed was being thrown at me for forgiveness. A woman in church, even once, commented, upon discussion of terrorism, that God loved the terrorists too. No. No, I don't think that was true. In fact, these would be the people he said to have nothing to do with, if I recalled correctly. There we had it; not just MY demise - but the world's as well. ISIS and the various cartels and African warlords were running rampant. Human trafficking was, and still is, at an all time high. I was losing it. Not, so much, my belief in God, but my respect for him was dwindling.
"Well," I said, "is vengeance NOT yours?" It echoed through my brain, as my vehemence grew. "Maybe you DON'T avenge me to my enemies, but THESE who roam the earth, torturing, raping, and controlling, ARE YOUR ENEMIES!!! They run rampant, doing as they please to women and children, while you sit up there on your throne, soaking up all your whorship!!! I am just a girl to you, so I don't care if you don't avenge MY enemies, but YOU ARE GOD, TO ME!!!! SHOULDN'T YOU AT LEAST AVENGE YOURSELF?!?!?!?! ISIS IS BRUTALIZING THE LEVANT, HUMAN SEX TRAFFICKERS ARE MAKING BILLIONS A YEAR, AND AFRICAN WARLORDS ARE RAPING AND CUTTING OFF WOMEN'S BREASTS SO THEY CAN NOT FEED THIER YOUNG, IF THEY SURVIVE!!! CAN YOU FEEL THAT YET?!?!?!?!?!? Because, as woman, who loves you, and cares about this world that supposedly is yours, that you apparently love, I CAN FEEL THAT!!!!! GET THEM DEAD!!!!" Oh I was LIVID. SEETHING with anger I couldn't fully define.
The answer came to me, as visions of all of them materialized in the echo-chamber of my brain. "I made them too." He whispered. "Yeah, well, you shouldn't have done that." I answered, shot them all in their heads, and walked the fuck away. I was over it. Believing in God, didn't mean that you were never angry with him. In fact, it often validated your belief in Him. If you're THAT pissed off, you want the entity you're angry with to be very real. That was for sure. Silence followed, as I stalked off, out of His chamber, and into the void of my mind. In fact, that was the most memorable part of it, for me, that again, He did nothing.
President Trump was elected shortly after that. He's put quite a hurting and immobilization on ISIS since then, and recently signed a bill about Human Trafficking. I have to admit, it has softened me bit, back towards our God, and this possible "making vengeance His" concept. It makes me feel like He was actually listening. One step at a time. It can't all be fixed at once. I know that, but for crying out loud, some things were truly starting to get out of hand. I'm a little more patient now, and due to a myriad of other changes He saw to after that, in my personal life, a lot more mentally healthy. Thank you for reading.