Prayers for a healing soul, as mine is finding solace now
It's been some time that has passed where I've been living in a fog. It's been a fog I welcomed, that I allowed to encase me, but one that hasn't been really helping me thrive. It's the fog of a friend who led me into this lifestyle under false pretenses. Initially it was a friendly gesture, brought on by a compassion after seeing me struggle, hearing my struggles, and recognizing a spirit that needed support and caring to be lead onto its rightful path.
This is what I believed, it's what I trusted. It's what I defended. Only when I continually began to experience the discomfort of affections that I did not return, that I realized the trickery that was not only done to me but also to the person who was being so generous and compassionate. His heart tricked his mind, and his mind manipulated his heart. His dick confused his mind, and there all that mess began.
No matter the deal: my friendship, my support to his insecurities, my comfort to his fears or sadness, it only made the situation worse. His doctor even saw what we could not - that the affects were too dangerous and effects too damaging. My rationalization, his determination - it all became twisted and now the time has come to cut loose the ties that strangle us.
I will be seen as the villain. I will be seen as the user and abuser. Yet I too was used and abused. I too was tricked and led along. So I will not feel guilty, will not accept abuse by those who might not wish to see the sick path that is shared, not brought by me.
My spirit is strong. My life has not been an easy one. I was NOT born with a silver spoon, nor ever fed with one until now. I have worked and paid for all that I've accomplished until now, and will work and pay for all that I accomplish from now on. This time, this past year, has been the most soul sucking, gut wrenching yet eye opening period of my life. I have given over a piece of myself in exchange for opportunity. I did not make my own, but took one offered. As with everything offered on a silver plate, with a silver spoon, comes a silver price. Yet, this price is too costly, silver goods for a platinum price, its reflection may look similar but the value is far different. And though the gifts may look more costly than an ingot of silver, it's not the literal comparison I'm trying to express.
Undoubtedly, my metaphors will run like water over stone - not be absorbed and understood by many - especially those who would judge and accuse me. I don't stand in fear of that, or them. I'm moving forward, still surrounded by angels who see that I'm often lost in darkness, but always bringing me their light in the guise of friends who are true. They do not wave offers they don't intend to give, they don't give gifts to lure me into traps of repaying them with more than I can give. They guide me and allow me fly free, directing me on the paths that will help me get there, but not stopping me from following the paths that I might choose on the way.
So, this fog is indeed lifting. I'm moving forward in light, avoid the dark pitfalls that entrap me, avoiding the one who leads me into those traps. He won't see this as beneficial to him. Of course his ego, his heart, his mind, and his dick all work together in a confusing din of pain at not getting fulfillment for the wishes he could not admit from the start. I pray he will search his soul for peace, seeing the mistakes he's made along the way, and make choices that will bring him to the light that will lead him away from tempting others with his silver gifts at platinum costs. His family has tried to guide him, he knows he must find a new path, so it's my prayer that he will continue searching for an improved self and not to improve others.
This is what I believed, it's what I trusted. It's what I defended. Only when I continually began to experience the discomfort of affections that I did not return, that I realized the trickery that was not only done to me but also to the person who was being so generous and compassionate. His heart tricked his mind, and his mind manipulated his heart. His dick confused his mind, and there all that mess began.
No matter the deal: my friendship, my support to his insecurities, my comfort to his fears or sadness, it only made the situation worse. His doctor even saw what we could not - that the affects were too dangerous and effects too damaging. My rationalization, his determination - it all became twisted and now the time has come to cut loose the ties that strangle us.
I will be seen as the villain. I will be seen as the user and abuser. Yet I too was used and abused. I too was tricked and led along. So I will not feel guilty, will not accept abuse by those who might not wish to see the sick path that is shared, not brought by me.
My spirit is strong. My life has not been an easy one. I was NOT born with a silver spoon, nor ever fed with one until now. I have worked and paid for all that I've accomplished until now, and will work and pay for all that I accomplish from now on. This time, this past year, has been the most soul sucking, gut wrenching yet eye opening period of my life. I have given over a piece of myself in exchange for opportunity. I did not make my own, but took one offered. As with everything offered on a silver plate, with a silver spoon, comes a silver price. Yet, this price is too costly, silver goods for a platinum price, its reflection may look similar but the value is far different. And though the gifts may look more costly than an ingot of silver, it's not the literal comparison I'm trying to express.
Undoubtedly, my metaphors will run like water over stone - not be absorbed and understood by many - especially those who would judge and accuse me. I don't stand in fear of that, or them. I'm moving forward, still surrounded by angels who see that I'm often lost in darkness, but always bringing me their light in the guise of friends who are true. They do not wave offers they don't intend to give, they don't give gifts to lure me into traps of repaying them with more than I can give. They guide me and allow me fly free, directing me on the paths that will help me get there, but not stopping me from following the paths that I might choose on the way.
So, this fog is indeed lifting. I'm moving forward in light, avoid the dark pitfalls that entrap me, avoiding the one who leads me into those traps. He won't see this as beneficial to him. Of course his ego, his heart, his mind, and his dick all work together in a confusing din of pain at not getting fulfillment for the wishes he could not admit from the start. I pray he will search his soul for peace, seeing the mistakes he's made along the way, and make choices that will bring him to the light that will lead him away from tempting others with his silver gifts at platinum costs. His family has tried to guide him, he knows he must find a new path, so it's my prayer that he will continue searching for an improved self and not to improve others.