Why am I up so Early?
I have no idea why I couldn't sleep today- Woke up at 5am (I think) and then again at 5:50- It's weird. I don't know where my mind is...Actually I kind of do. It's in the gutter- a dirty dirty gutter- where I am ravaged by my the last guy I dated. Does that mean I'm sexually frustrated? I think so, I don't have too much experience with that feeling, but if this is it, well fuck.
It's been six months since any thing physical has happened for this girl, and really, it's not like there was a whole lot going on before, but Z did know his way around the playground. Something to be said for that, he was focused when we were having an adult sleep over, that's for sure.
Ironically- or maybe not so ironically, I started thinking about O. Mostly because I'll be heading up to Sacramento (near where he hales from) later this week. All I can seem to think about is possibly texting or calling him to see if he wants to get lunch when I'm done up there, maybe take me to see his house. That's right, his house. He bought one, which is very cool and a big step for him. I'm thinking though, that I'm being very presumptuous, I mean, if I even hear back from him, why do I think he'd even take me to see the house? And why do I want to go? One of two reasons, to see it and to the ohh and ahh thing, but also, possibly, maybe, see if we can get a quickie in? What? That's a dumb thing to ponder, and again presumptuous. It's not like I have guys knocking on my door, and O and I had different views about our physical relationship-or roles I guess I should say. Ones that left me as the one not the satisfied. No bueno. So why would I even contemplate the idea of sleeping with O again? Because we only did it the one time, just once, and every time after that, nothing ever happened. Ever. He always talked a big game, but never followed through. He'd always bail. Curiosity killed the cat. But again presumptuous.
I'm pretty sure a lot of this frustration is stemming from an email I wrote to Z recently. After the way he broke things off I feel at a loss about what to do next. I mean I know I can date other guys and see where that leads, but he left things so unfinished. He never told me why it is that he really wanted to break things off, just that he "didn't want a relationship right now." Which at the time and even now, makes no sense. The week before I left for Seattle, he told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me and knew that that was what I wanted to. We weren't official when I came back, and I didn't bring it back up because I had decided to go with the flow of things, not push, like I did with O. Although circumstances with O and Z were very different, I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I guess I was wrong though. I tried writing Z and just asking him to be honest with me about why he did what he did. Did I get a response? No. Am I surprised? A little. I wasn't asking him to date me in that message, just to tell me what happened to make him change his mind about us, about me, in quite literally ,the span of 10 hours.
After that- I just thought about him-and stuff we did- in bed and out- and now I'm up writing in my LJ about possibly being sexually frustrated, when really I'm just lonely. I love my family- but I'm tired of always being at home with them. I want to be at home with some one who sleeps next to me, cuddles, talks to me about their day, their frustrations, ect. I want whoever my other half is supposed to be, to show up now. That would be dandy.