Liquid Courage
There's something to be said for that moment during intoxication when you think to yourself "fuck it, I'm calling him or her." And then there are the moments after, your headache, body ache, hangover and then the realization that "oh fuck, I called him/her."
That moment was mine this past weekend. Not only was it an O.M.G. moment, apparently I not just called O, but apparently I was "pretty bold" with some of the things I said to him.
A little background perhaps? O and I dated for about 6 months, last year, he broke up with me citing "I don't know what I want" and "You're to good for the way I'm treating you" as the main reasons. Partially true, partially bullshit. Anyway, three months after that time he contacted me, I was starting a new job and things in my professional life were looking up. Naturally, we started talking again, I mean I never stopped having feelings for him, I probably never will until I find my person, my soul mate, so until then whenever he calls me to say hi or rather texts me, I'll be that pathetic girl I was when we reconnected.
So we started talking again, went bowling-going out more than when were actually together- irony anyone? But then again we weren't together, I don't know what we were doing. We both wanted to be around each other again and see one another, but he was moving back up north, far way (ok not far, but like a 3 hour drive away). I was working 40+ hours a week. There's no real reason why it couldn't have worked, but with my my will to want it and his lack of will. Then I kept getting hurt by his empty promises and the attention I did get from him, I grasped to like straws, but it was pretty much on his terms because it seemed like I was just too needy. So, I was the one to break things off that time. It was pretty brutal, honest and to the point. I was tired , tired of going back and forth, of him acting like he was into me wanting this work but then I was an after thought, it always came back around to "I thought about it" with no action. I need action. I need taking the initiative. Show me you want me, make me yours, none of this back and forth crap. I am someone's priority, not their after thought. So that was it. I stopped talking to him, it was hard, I'm pretty sure I loved him and it hurt. But it was for the better.
Since then, we've kept in distant contact, I've had as semi-relationship and dates here and there since breaking things off. It would be a lot easier if when he did text to say "hi" if I were in a relationship so that way I could just be brieft and not think too much into talking to him. But he seems to have this uncanny ability to contact me when I've talked about him as an after thought.
Return to this weekend.
I attended a wedding reception where there just so happened to be an open bar. Several vodka cranberries later there I stood outside with my friends and all of a sudden I was on the phone with none other than O. Much of our conversation I honestly can say, I don't remember. I know he was out with his cousins, the were going to a "cinco de mayo" bar, unintentionally, I told him about a guy my friend introduced me to, that I was looking pretty amazing (I cleaned up real well), and he was laughing a lot at what I was saying. That much, I remember. So during my infamous next day recovery, boy was it a process, I got a text. "How are you feeling missy?" and a crazy happy face. We talked about the night before and he asked me a few times, if I remembered talking to him. Honesty is always best, so I told him I remembered talking to him, however, what that conversation entailed ( it was a lengthily call) I could not for the life of me remember.
Apparently some of that conversation included me telling him that he just f*** me and then stopped talking to me. (partially true) and second, that I guessed I couldn't give him what other girls do....What!?
O.M.G. was the only thought in my head because I honestly could not remember anything I had said that would have come close to that. He took it well though, I guess, he was talking to me.
So that liquid courage stuff, it's real. I never knew how real until this weekend, but I know I will not be drinking like that again for a very long time.