From the Vaults, What Starfire Said Over Breakfast One Morning, Part 1 of 4

[ginevrasm]

Authors Note/Disclaimer:

This is a work of fan fiction.  I don’t own the Teen Titans, I just have lots of fun playing with them.  I make no money from this work.  This is a parody of sorts:  I can see this kind of stuff going on off camera.  Five teenagers with no chaperone living together - come on folks.

Warnings:  Graphic sex, Minor, M/F, F/F, M/M/F, Interspecies if aliens count, Anal, and um…Toys?  Not sure how to categorize some of the insanity…you’ll see.  Please assume all these kids are of age wherever you live.  The show wasn’t all that specific, but do consider that they lived alone and were old enough to at least drive.

Since I consider dialogue a weak point of mine, I have written this first chapter as mostly dialogue.  I think it came out rather well.  Let me know what you think.

I had just finished writing a very long, very dark Nightcrawler/OC fic and I so needed to cleanse my brain of all serious thought.  Enjoy.  Let the sillyness commence!

What Starfire said over breakfast one morning.

It was Beast Boy’s turn to make breakfast again.  Cyborg was supervising, determined that at least some of it would be edible.  Raven drifted in, nose in a book as usual.  She barely looked up as Beast Boy sat a cup of herbal tea at her elbow.

“That’s about it.  Where’s Robin and Starfire?”  Beast Boy sat a platter of steaming egg substitute and soy bacon on the table.  Cyborg followed with a towering plate of waffles and a huge slab of real bacon.

“Yeah.  Robin’s usually the first down.  Wonder what they’ve been up to?”

“I don’t know.  But here comes Star.”

Starfire floated in slowly, without her usual annoyingly enthusiastic “Good Morning good friends!”  She sat quietly down beside Raven and poured herself a glass of milk with pepper and hot sauce.  She sighed loudly before taking a long swig.

Cyborg plopped down across from her and began to pile food on his plate, oblivious to her unusual demeanor.  Beast Boy started to do the same, but stopped after placing only two waffles, three spoonfuls of egg substitute, and four strips of soy bacon on his plate.

“Um…Is something wrong, Star?  You’re…um…not as perky as usual.”  His obligatory expression of concern done, he shoveled a large bite of waffle into his mouth.

“It is nothing.”  Starfire grabbed two waffles and placed several strips of soy bacon between them, adding a dash of hot sauce and a spoonful of blueberry yogurt.  Raven glanced up from her book as she reached for her yogurt and toast.

“It’s obvious something’s bothering you Starfire.  Why don’t you tell us so we can all get on with our breakfast?”  Raven watched Cyborg continue to shovel astonishing quantities of cholesterol laden food into his mouth.

“I…I do not understand why Robin will not have the sex with me!”  She cried, and then began dripping tears onto her waffle sandwich.

“The what?”  Cyborg stopped in mid-shovel and Beast Boy shot soy-milk through his nose.

“You know.  The sex:  copulation, coitus, the horizontal mambo, the bumping of the uglies….”

“The bumping of the what?”  Beast Boy choked, turning an odd shade of purplish-green.

“How about ‘doing the wild thing?’”  Cyborg asked.

“I think we’ve got the general idea, Star.”  Raven put down her book and scowled at Cyborg.  “What happened?”

“Perhaps I am not understanding human courtship rituals.  Is it not expected that the male initiate the sex?  On my planet I would simply grab him by his grorfnar and tell him to put it in my tselbatch.”

“Put his what in your…huh?”  Beast Boy looked bewildered.  Cyborg leaned over and whispered an explanation in his ear.  “Oh!”

“Umm…Yeah.  You didn’t try that with Robin did you?”  Raven took a large swallow of her hot tea, then winced as it burned her throat.

“Well, no.  Should I?”

“No.  I think that’s a bit blunt, even for a human male.”  Raven glanced at the two sitting across the table.  “What have you tried?”

“I have tried asking him to my room for a night cap, but he did not seem interested in headwear.”

“You offered him a hat?”  Cyborg looked as if he were going to blow a circuit, he was trying so hard not to laugh.

“Yes.  Was that wrong?”

“You could say that.”  Raven raised an eyebrow.  “Star, in this situation a ‘night cap’ would usually be an alcoholic drink served late at night.”

“Oh.  He did seem rather surprised.”

“I’ll bet he did.”  Beast Boy snickered ignoring Raven’s scowl.

“Tell me Beast Boy, is it true that you can suck your own dick?”  Raven asked him, sweetly.

“Well, it’s more like licking than sucking.  You see I turn into a dog and…”

“So you have had a dick in your mouth.”  Cyborg pounced on the opening.

“It’s perfectly natural for a dog!”  Everyone was now staring at him.  “Dude!  I am not gay!”

“You are not?”  Starfire looked surprised.

“No!”

“Oh.”

“What else have you tried Star?”

“I asked him if he wished me to rub his back.  He only let me do it once and I think perhaps I rubbed a little too hard.”  She held up her fingers, showing a small gap between them.

“Knowing you, he’s probably lucky you didn’t break something.”  Beast Boy observed as he reached for more soy bacon.

“Tell me Beast Boy, is it true that eating tofu makes semen taste better?”  Raven wasn’t going to let him get away with harassing Starfire.

“It does?”

“Doesn’t it?”  She asked again.

“How would I know?  Hey!  I‘m not gay!”

“Tell us more, Star.”  Cyborg finished off his pitcher of orange juice and sat back to listen.

“Well.  I asked him to go swimming with me, but when I took off my clothes, his face turned red and he locked himself in his room and would not come out.”

“So you were naked.”  Cyborg asked eagerly.

“I did not wish to get my clothes wet.”

“Maybe Robin’s shy, Star.”  Raven offered, shooting a glare at Cyborg.  “Why don’t you try talking to him with your clothes on?”

“Maybe he’s gay.  I always thought ‘Robin’ was a girl’s name anyway.”  Beast Boy suggested.

“Hmm…He has a girl’s name, runs around in tights and spandex, and spends at least an hour a day styling his hair.”  Cyborg looked thoughtful.  “And he used to hang with Batman - two guys in tights running around together.  Makes you wonder.”

“I don’t know Cyborg.  I hadn’t thought of it that way.”  Raven looked skeptical.

“See.  He’s gay.  Not me.  Robin.”  Beast Boy added.

“O.K.  then B.B.  Answer this question.  If your life depended on it and you had to suck someone off.  Who would you choose?  Control Freak or Aqualad?”  Cyborg crossed his arms and sat back to wait for the answer with a smirk.

“Dude! What kind of question is that?”

“It’s a test.  Just answer it.”

“Um...Aqualad?”

“Hah!  I knew it.  You’ve got it for the fish boy!”

“I do not!  How many times do I have to tell you?  I’m not gay!”

“Yeah.  Uh huh.  Hey Star, you know, with you being an alien and all, maybe Robin isn’t sure your … equipment… is compatible with his.”  Cyborg ignored Beast Boy’s continued assertions of heterosexuality.

“Equipment?  Do humans require equipment to copulate?  Where would I get this equipment?”  Raven choked on her toast and took a large swallow of tea to wash it down before responding.

“No.  Most of us…”  She looked pointedly at Cyborg.  “Don’t require any additional ‘equipment.’  What I think Cyborg is trying to say is that your anatomy might be different enough from ours to cause a problem.  Or at least that Robin might be concerned that it is.”

“Oh dear!  What will I do if I am not compatible with a human male?  Can you show me yours Raven so that I can compare?”

“What!?!”  It was Raven’s turn to look uncomfortable.  “I…uh…”

“I wouldn’t ask Raven.  She’s half demon, no telling what she’s got down there.”  Beast Boy jumped at the chance to get back at her.

“My anatomy is quite human.”  Raven gritted between her teeth.  “Not that you would know the difference.”

“I would too!  I’ve seen pictures.”  Cyborg rolled his eyes.

“Please Raven?  How else am I to know?”

“What about Beast Boy’s pictures?”

“Those are probably airbrushed anyway, Rae.  Why don’t you show her the real thing?”  Cyborg was sitting on the edge of his seat.  “It’s no big deal, is it Beast Boy?”

“No.  I’ve seen Robin naked.  Better check ‘cause he’s packin’.”

“You’ve been checking Robin out?”  Cyborg boggled at Beast Boy’s admission.

“Hey dude!  I was a dog see…and he had to pee…and you guys are always forgetting that I’m not really a dog.  And um…it was like right at my eye level…And…I should really shut up now shouldn’t I?”

“Oh no, please do go on.  I would like to know just what Robin is packing.”  Starfire looked eagerly at Beast Boy.

“You win Star, come with me.”  Raven rolled her eyes and motioned Starfire to follow her to the bathroom.  Cyborg and Beast Boy rose as if to follow.  Raven raised a warning finger.  “Stay.  Or you’ll die a virgin Beast Boy.”

“Hey!  I’m not a virgin, I’ve had plenty of girls.”

“Oh shut up B.B.  Who do you think you’re kidding?”  Cyborg sat back down with a thump.  They waited until the girls closed the door behind them, then Cyborg crept over and pressed his ear to the door, motioning Beast Boy to follow.  They could hear the girls muffled voices.

“I don’t know how I let you people talk me into these things.”  Raven complained as she shed her cloak and leotard.  She looked up to see Starfire pulling her top over her head.  “What are you doing Star?”

“I am disrobing so that we may compare our ‘equipment.’”

“Are Tamaranian nipples usually orange?”

“Why yes.  My breasts are larger than yours, is that normal?”

“Sure Star.  Don’t worry about that.  With most guys the bigger they are the better.”

“Oh!  Do you think they are too small then?”

“Uh.  No.”  Raven started slipping her tights off while Star slipped her skirt down around her hips.  She blushed as she looked her friend over.  “Star do you wax or are you naturally hairless?”

“Wax?  I do not understand.  Do human females usually have hair there?”  She pointed at the wisp of purple hair between Raven’s legs.

“Ahem…Yes, but it’s usually not purple.  Actually the males have hair too.”  They heard a thump outside the door.  “Many people trim the hair or remove some or all of it.”

Starfire raised her leg to rest it on the sink, spreading her legs wide and pulling the folds of her labia apart to expose her genitals.  “Does this look compatible?”

“Yeah.  I think so.  Your…uh clitoris looks a little bigger than average.  I think.  I haven’t really seen that many.  But everything seems to be in the same place.”

“Oh wonderful!  May I see yours now, just to be sure?”

“All right, I guess.  I uh…don’t think I’m quite as flexible as you are.”  Raven awkwardly copied Starfire’s pose.  Starfire leaned in close to examine her.  She reached out a tentative finger to touch Raven’s clit.  Raven jumped and the mirror behind her shattered.  “Hey!  I didn’t say you could touch.”

“I am sorry.  Tamaranians have a second…what do you call it?”  She tapped the structure again and Raven jumped, awkwardly hopping backwards so she could swing her legs closed.

“Clitoris.”

“Yes.  Clitoris…a short distance inside our…what do you call the opening?”

“Vagina.  Sounds…um…stimulating.  Can we please put our clothes back on now?  I can hear Beast Boy’s heavy breathing right through the door.”

The girls dressed and by the time they exited the bathroom, Cyborg and Beast Boy were back in their seats pretending to be interested in reading Raven’s discarded book.  The problem with this was that it was in an ancient magical dialect, which neither could read.

“So…uh…what’s the verdict?”  Beast Boy piped up.

“Starfire is the proud owner of a vagina and a pair of clitorises.  Could you please pass the orange juice?”  Raven sat down, trying to cover her blush with sarcasm.

“Yes!  Is it not wonderful?”

“A pair?  I’ll say!”  Cyborg closed the book and smiled at Starfire.  “Look.  If this thing with Robin doesn’t pan out, how about you and I do a test run?”

“Cyborg!”  Raven glared at him.

“But…”

“No.”  Raven held her hand out for her book.  “Can I have my book back?”

“Yeah, sure.”  Cyborg handed it to her.  “What’s it about anyway?”

“It’s a manual on demonic sex practices.  I hope you haven’t lost my place, I was looking forward to the chapter on sacrificing virgins.”

“Oh.”  Beast Boy swallowed hard.

Just then a groggy Robin finally made his appearance.  He walked past the table without speaking to pour himself a cup of coffee.  He turned around and took a sip, finally noticing their silent stares.

“I overslept.  Anything left to eat?”

“Good Morning Robin!  Is it not a glorious day?”

“Um… Sure Starfire.”  He sat down and began to fill his plate with food.  He noticed the continued silence and looked up puzzled.  “Did I miss something?”

“Boy did you…”  Beast Boy began, but was silenced by a simultaneous elbow from Cyborg and a kick from Raven.  “Ow!”

“I have just learned that my ‘equipment’ is compatible with that of a human male and that copulation should pose no problem.”

“Excuse me?”  Robin sorted through the possible meanings the alien girl might have come up with for that particular sentence.  It wouldn’t be the first time something got garbled in the translation.

“Raven and I have compared anatomy and she assures me that mine is not too dissimilar from that of a human’s.  I should be able to have the sex with a human male.”

“That’s good…You did what?  With Raven?”  He looked back and forth between the two girls, his mouth working to form some question, without any success.  Raven cleared her throat, nervously.

“Starfire thought you might be concerned.”

“Concerned?  I…uh…hadn’t given it that much thought.”  His face turned red beneath the mask.

“Hey…uh Robin.  Theoretically speaking.  If uh, your life depended on it, like you were going to die a horrible death and you had to give a blow job to either Aqualad or Control freak, who would you pick?”  Beast Boy was determined that someone else take the heat for being gay.

“What kind of horrible death?”

“I don’t know.  It’s all theoretical.”

“Oh…If I had to…Control Freak I guess.  Aqualad smells like fish.”

“See…He’s gay!  Not me.  Him!”

“That was a gay question Beast Boy.  Really.”  Robin dismissed the accusation and concentrated on his breakfast.

“Yeah, it was, BB.”  Cyborg chimed in.

“But it was the same question you asked me!”

“It’s not the question, it’s the way you asked it.”  Beast Boy looked around for support, but everyone was nodding in agreement.

“Dude!  I’m not gay.”

“Robin?  If you are not gay and you are not worried about my equipment, why do you not wish to have the sex with me?”

“Can we not talk about this in front of everyone, Star?  Please?”  Red began to creep from the neck of his uniform up his cheeks and under his mask until the tips of his ears were crimson.

“But we have been talking about it all during breakfast.  I am sure they would like to know as well.  Would you not?”  Starfire looked around at her friends.

“I would!”  Beast Boy raised his hand.  Cyborg tried to shush him and Raven pretended to be engrossed in her book, but a faint blush could be seen across her cheeks.

“You’ve been talking to them?  For Christ’s sake Star, can’t I have some privacy?”

“I am sorry Robin, but they are my friends and I do not understand why you do not want me.”  Starfire began to leak tears and sniffed pitifully.

“Star, you haven’t even seen me without my mask.  Not once.  On earth we like to get to know someone a bit before we do something like that.”

“Speak for yourself, kid.”  Cyborg mumbled around a bite of waffle.

“But I do know you.  We have lived together, fought together and even played together all this time.  What else is there to know?”

“What about my name?  You don’t even know who I am.”

“You are Robin, leader of the Titans.  And you are packing.  Beast Boy said so.”

“He what?”  Robin stared at Beast Boy.  “You’ve been checking me out?”

“Dude!  I’m not gay!  Remember, I was a dog, you were peeing, it was like in my face…”

“Forget it Beast Boy.”  Robin shrugged it off.  “Star, Robin is my codename, I thought you knew that.  You know.  Like Beast Boy’s real name is ‘Garfield?’”

“Oh.  No I did not.  We do not use code names on my planet.”  Starfire blew her nose loudly on a napkin, continuing to sniffle.  “What is your real name then?”

“I uh…rather not say.”

“Come on man, it can’t be worse than ‘Robin.’  Mine’s Victor, in case you were wondering.”

“My name is…Dick.”

“Dick?  Your name is Dick?”  Beast Boy crowed.  “Oh wow, and I thought Garfield was bad!”

“Shut up Garfield.”

“You shut up Dick!”

“So…Dick’s got a big dick.  He heh.”  Cyborg chuckled.

“Come on guys, grow up!”  Raven put down her book and scowled at them.  “Look at poor Star here.  She’s going to drip alien snot all over the place if she doesn’t stop crying.”

“I am sorry, Raven.”  *Sniff* “I do not understand what is so funny.  Are they making fun of me?”

“No Star, they’re making fun of Robin’s name.  Let me explain.”  Raven leaned over and whispered in Starfire’s ear while Cyborg and Beast Boy continued to pelt Robin with bad dick jokes.

“But he does not look like a grorfnar.”

“Would you two just shut up!”  Robin shouted at Cyborg and Beast Boy, having had enough of their jokes.  “What the hell’s a grorfnar?”

“The Tamaranian male’s appendage used for copulation.  Why are you named after your genitals?”

“I’m not.  It’s short for Richard.  It’s a nickname.”

“So you’re a big-dicked, red-breasted bird named Richard?”  Beast Boy never did know when to shut up.

“Shut up Beast Boy.  I know you jerk off to the Men of the Justice League calendar.”

“I do not!”

“You do too.”

“I do not.  I just admire them.  That’s all.”

“Yeah with your ‘robin’ in your hand.”  Cyborg made a crude gesture.

“Shut up Cyborg!”  Robin and Beast Boy shouted in unison.

“O.K.  O.K.  I’ll stop.”  Cyborg held his hands up in surrender.  “So, are you gonna tell Starfire something or not?”

“Look Star, I think we need to talk some more.  In private.  I don’t know how it is on Tamaran, but we like to keep this kind of thing a bit more private.  O.K.?

“Oh.  So you are ‘shy.’”  Robin took her hand under the table and winked at her.

“Yeah.”  Beast Boy opened his mouth and Robin raised a cautioning hand.  “Say it and I’ll tell Aqualad you want him.”

“Dude!  I am not gay.”

“You are so gay.”  Raven smirked behind her hand.

“I am not!”

“Then why don’t you prove it, BB?”  Cyborg grinned evilly.

“What?  How?”

“Kiss Raven.”

“Wait a minute…”  Raven protested.

“Raven?  What if something blows up?”

“It wouldn’t, but it doesn’t matter.  I’m not going to…”  Raven started to say, but Beast Boy climbed onto the table and quickly pecked her on the cheek.  Then he sat back on his heels and grinned.

“See?  I’m not gay.  I kissed a girl.”

“You call that a kiss?  That’s how I kiss my old granny.  It doesn’t count.”  Cyborg jeered.

“Oh! Come on.  This is Raven.  She’s like creepy and half-demon and stuff.”

“Oh I am, am I?”  Raven scowled.  “Kiss me again.  I dare you.”  Raven sat with her arms crossed.

“You dare me?”

“Yes.  I dare you.”

“O. K.  You asked for it.”  Beast Boy tried to sound macho, but his voice quavered.  He closed in again to kiss Raven’s lips, tentatively.  When nothing happened he pressed his lips against hers more firmly and felt hers move slightly.  He backed away nervously.

“Well Raven?”  Cyborg asked.

“Eh.”  Raven waved a hand with the “so-so” gesture.

“Well that’s it.  BB you are definitely gay.”

“Wait!  No way!  That’s not fair!  She’s like totally creepy.  Let me kiss somebody else.   Starfire maybe.”

“I don’t think so.”  Robin put a possessive arm around Starfire’s shoulders.

“Dudes!  Come on, give me another shot!”

“All right Beast Boy.  Come here.”  Raven crooked a finger at him. He crawled slowly back across the table.  Raven took his face in her hands and pulled his face to hers, taking command of his lips.  She nibbled at his lower lip before tickling his upper lip with her tongue.  When his lips parted she drove her questing tongue inside to explore his mouth.  Beast Boy groaned and leaned into the kiss, bringing a tentative hand around to touch her hair.  The other Titans all stared, mouths agape.

Raven drew the kiss out long and slow, wrapping one hand behind his neck to prevent him from retreating.  From the sounds he was making and the obvious bulge in his tights he wasn’t interested in going anywhere.  Finally, she let him go and Beast Boy melted into a puddle.

“So am I creepy now, Garfield?”

“Creepy is good.”  Beast Boy sounded stoned.  “Really good.”

“Sorry about the gay thing BB.”  Cyborg offered as he began to clear off the table.

“That’s O.K.”

“Hey Star, if you’re done with your breakfast, how about we go to my room and have that talk.”  Robin took Starfire by the hand and they left together.

Raven picked up her book and began to leave.  Then turned around and looked at Beast Boy, still kneeling on the table, one foot buried in scrambled egg substitute.

“So.  Garfield.  What do you think about virgin sacrifices?  There’s this spell I’ve been wanting to try.”

“Does it involve more kissing?”  He lifted his head up.

“Definitely.”

“Count me in.”  He hopped off the table and followed her eagerly, leaving Cyborg to clean up alone.

“It’s about damn time.”  Cyborg muttered to himself as his team mates wandered off.  He activated the comm unit on his arm.  “Hey baby, what you doing?”