Nameless Mood....
I don't exactly know what to say, I have countless things running through my head all day every day, and when I try to tell a friend what it is, it either comes out wrong or none of it comes out at all. I've been wondering about numerous things lately...one of those things consists of Mike, and what I should, need, want to do about it. I love him, yet I hate him. I hate how he makes me feel, I love how he makes me happy sometimes because the happiness he gives me on those rare occasions is happiness that only he can give me. I find myself thinking too much and drilling for answers to my questions. I can say I'm sick and tired of too many things in life, however I can never stop talking about how many good things there are in life. I'm looking forward on turning 18 in July, I have a $8.50 an hour job waiting for me because of Myki's dad. I have either the Navy to look forward to, or an apartment and car given to me from my mom for my birthday. I want to go to college but I'm not sure if I will go through with that or not. It all depends on the future and what it holds for me.
I'm looking out the window and enjoying the sun, I don't know what Im doing today, most likely going over to Nick and Todd's and hanging out with Ashley, I called Sara this morning at school because I was bored, and she said Myki called wanting to have me bring over Ashley again when he is at Todd's place but I don't think I will do that any time soon...all he wants is casual sex, I'm his "kiddo" and yesterday he was even asking me all day if I would have casual sex with him, and I got pissed and showed him off with those remarks. By stating about the past and how he screwed me over then, and how he would do it again, I'm not even attracted to him like that anyway, I look at him like a brother and that's all there is to it. It's sicking to think of him and me having sex, he needs to get healthy and clean and not think with his penis.
Todd the other day made me feel like shit again, he seems to me good at that. Along with being good when it comes to using girls. I don't understand him, I don't understand many things. But what I do know is that I'm glad I'm doing well in school and my mom and I are like best friends again finally. I love her so much, I don't know if she knows how much I really do appreciate her, I tell her everyday, follow her around and mess with her the same way she picks on me, it's fun, I also have to deal with the idea of my mom becoming sick again. That woman is always sick with something, but now she has to go in again to get another mammogram because the last one she had came back positive for cancer again, so she has to go get a second opinion from another doctor.
I hate how she drinks, I hate how she deals with her problems with the bottle, I know I do the same thing but I don't have a problem with it. And if I did, I'm sure my friends would have told me by now.
Thats another thing, I love my friends, thanks all you mother fuckers, no matter how mad I seem to be sometimes, I always come around and tell ya what's wrong. I hate bottling things up inside, I'm known to do that. And thats another thing I'm tired of doing. I have less break downs that way so thats great. Plus I actually feel that the friends I do talk to, do listen to me. Like Christa, holy shit I don't know how sane I would be if I wasn't friends with her. Thanks a bunch for always being there and laughing with me when life gets tough.
My dad took up more hours and shifts, I kinda had a hunch on why he did that. Because of our money situation and how my mom keeps telling me how much she wants to get me a car and an apartment so I don't go living on the streets when I turn 18 and my dad wants me out of the house. I understand though, he wants tony out too and he's 21 and still living here. He has his life ready to go, he's even helping us by giving my mom money for gocerys and what not. I wish I could do the same. I wish for a lot of things. I wish for me and mike to be together and actually be happy instead of endless fighting and endless everything else that we go through whenever we try to make shit work out. I wish for my mom to be healthy for once and not have to drink her problems away every day, I wish my dad was a nicer man for the most part and was there for me when I wanted to go to him so many times...I'm scared of him, I'm not gonna lie, I can't even ask him for a couple bucks anymore cause sometimes he's nice like last night when I did yard work for money when he was all drunk and in a good mood BBQing our dinner, and then other times I ask him for coffee money and he'll blow up and start throwing shit around and breaking things.
I love my family, it's the only one I got, so I'll cherish it either way.. it took me a while to understand this finally. I used to hate my family, run away, not come home, not talk to them, hide everything, and now I come home early and look forward on talking to my mom about everything I did that day and who I talked to, or who I saw....etc. My dad and I have been doing a lil bit better, each day is a new day and it's hard for the both of us to sit down and talk...we never do it so we're kinda learning. I get nervous when I'm alone with him or I have to talk to him about something, like the Navy, he made me cry because of how him and me were actually talking civily and he told me he was proud of my idea and looked forward on seeing me be shipped off to boot camp when the time came. Maybe it's because I would be gone for 2 years on a contract, or maybe it's because he went through the Navy and now hes happy that I'm following his foot steps...he told me the other day that the reason we fight all the time and don't ever get along when it comes to anything is because my dad and I are too much alike, we both always have issues to solve and we both have anger problems and get set off easily, we both like and watch the same things, I'm obsessed with the news and newspapers as much as he does, I drink coffee everyday like he does and no one else in my family touches it or even wants to smell it. I can name so many things that I have in common with my dad, even with food....so why can't we get along? Why can't we talk to each other and why can't I be close to him like I am with my mom?
I love him none the less, he's my dad...and when it comes to Tony, he's great. We still kick each other's asses whenever we see each other which isnt often. He has his own life with his friends, school, work, and girlfriend. He's so happy that it makes me sick sometimes because I have always wished I could be like him and be happy like him...and now when I stop obsessing over that idea and start thinking about the facts, I am as happy as him. All I had to do was see that instead of think that.
I always say I wish I was more happier, well I'm as happy as I'm gonna get. I just have to find a way to get over my anger issues and not get pissed off so easily, I don't know why I do, I hate it, I despise it, my first step was to forgive myself and become friends with Nichole because I knew deep down I missed her and always wondered how she was doing...and now since I took that step I feel a lot better....I don't know where my anger comes from, I try to hide it and then it becomes worse and shows even more.
The whole counting slowly 1, 2, 3, doesn't work for me, I even get pissed thinking about that when I'm trying to calm down. I shall find a way some day to be the way I used to be...I hardly remember how I used to be. I've changed so much. Everyone has.
I try to hang out with Gabe and keep our friendship going but it's hard when he is David's bitch and David is his master, I told him this before and he agrees, yesterday I stole him from Brandons house and took him to Fat Daves, it was fun, I like being able not to worry about shit when it comes to him and me, we're just friends, and I'm loving every moment of it.
I'm updating a lot because I'm in a weird mood, I don't know what to call this mood but I had a long night of thinking and a bright and sunny morning to ponder on.
I have so much more I wish I could say, but I don't know how so I'm going to leave it at that.
I'm looking out the window and enjoying the sun, I don't know what Im doing today, most likely going over to Nick and Todd's and hanging out with Ashley, I called Sara this morning at school because I was bored, and she said Myki called wanting to have me bring over Ashley again when he is at Todd's place but I don't think I will do that any time soon...all he wants is casual sex, I'm his "kiddo" and yesterday he was even asking me all day if I would have casual sex with him, and I got pissed and showed him off with those remarks. By stating about the past and how he screwed me over then, and how he would do it again, I'm not even attracted to him like that anyway, I look at him like a brother and that's all there is to it. It's sicking to think of him and me having sex, he needs to get healthy and clean and not think with his penis.
Todd the other day made me feel like shit again, he seems to me good at that. Along with being good when it comes to using girls. I don't understand him, I don't understand many things. But what I do know is that I'm glad I'm doing well in school and my mom and I are like best friends again finally. I love her so much, I don't know if she knows how much I really do appreciate her, I tell her everyday, follow her around and mess with her the same way she picks on me, it's fun, I also have to deal with the idea of my mom becoming sick again. That woman is always sick with something, but now she has to go in again to get another mammogram because the last one she had came back positive for cancer again, so she has to go get a second opinion from another doctor.
I hate how she drinks, I hate how she deals with her problems with the bottle, I know I do the same thing but I don't have a problem with it. And if I did, I'm sure my friends would have told me by now.
Thats another thing, I love my friends, thanks all you mother fuckers, no matter how mad I seem to be sometimes, I always come around and tell ya what's wrong. I hate bottling things up inside, I'm known to do that. And thats another thing I'm tired of doing. I have less break downs that way so thats great. Plus I actually feel that the friends I do talk to, do listen to me. Like Christa, holy shit I don't know how sane I would be if I wasn't friends with her. Thanks a bunch for always being there and laughing with me when life gets tough.
My dad took up more hours and shifts, I kinda had a hunch on why he did that. Because of our money situation and how my mom keeps telling me how much she wants to get me a car and an apartment so I don't go living on the streets when I turn 18 and my dad wants me out of the house. I understand though, he wants tony out too and he's 21 and still living here. He has his life ready to go, he's even helping us by giving my mom money for gocerys and what not. I wish I could do the same. I wish for a lot of things. I wish for me and mike to be together and actually be happy instead of endless fighting and endless everything else that we go through whenever we try to make shit work out. I wish for my mom to be healthy for once and not have to drink her problems away every day, I wish my dad was a nicer man for the most part and was there for me when I wanted to go to him so many times...I'm scared of him, I'm not gonna lie, I can't even ask him for a couple bucks anymore cause sometimes he's nice like last night when I did yard work for money when he was all drunk and in a good mood BBQing our dinner, and then other times I ask him for coffee money and he'll blow up and start throwing shit around and breaking things.
I love my family, it's the only one I got, so I'll cherish it either way.. it took me a while to understand this finally. I used to hate my family, run away, not come home, not talk to them, hide everything, and now I come home early and look forward on talking to my mom about everything I did that day and who I talked to, or who I saw....etc. My dad and I have been doing a lil bit better, each day is a new day and it's hard for the both of us to sit down and talk...we never do it so we're kinda learning. I get nervous when I'm alone with him or I have to talk to him about something, like the Navy, he made me cry because of how him and me were actually talking civily and he told me he was proud of my idea and looked forward on seeing me be shipped off to boot camp when the time came. Maybe it's because I would be gone for 2 years on a contract, or maybe it's because he went through the Navy and now hes happy that I'm following his foot steps...he told me the other day that the reason we fight all the time and don't ever get along when it comes to anything is because my dad and I are too much alike, we both always have issues to solve and we both have anger problems and get set off easily, we both like and watch the same things, I'm obsessed with the news and newspapers as much as he does, I drink coffee everyday like he does and no one else in my family touches it or even wants to smell it. I can name so many things that I have in common with my dad, even with food....so why can't we get along? Why can't we talk to each other and why can't I be close to him like I am with my mom?
I love him none the less, he's my dad...and when it comes to Tony, he's great. We still kick each other's asses whenever we see each other which isnt often. He has his own life with his friends, school, work, and girlfriend. He's so happy that it makes me sick sometimes because I have always wished I could be like him and be happy like him...and now when I stop obsessing over that idea and start thinking about the facts, I am as happy as him. All I had to do was see that instead of think that.
I always say I wish I was more happier, well I'm as happy as I'm gonna get. I just have to find a way to get over my anger issues and not get pissed off so easily, I don't know why I do, I hate it, I despise it, my first step was to forgive myself and become friends with Nichole because I knew deep down I missed her and always wondered how she was doing...and now since I took that step I feel a lot better....I don't know where my anger comes from, I try to hide it and then it becomes worse and shows even more.
The whole counting slowly 1, 2, 3, doesn't work for me, I even get pissed thinking about that when I'm trying to calm down. I shall find a way some day to be the way I used to be...I hardly remember how I used to be. I've changed so much. Everyone has.
I try to hang out with Gabe and keep our friendship going but it's hard when he is David's bitch and David is his master, I told him this before and he agrees, yesterday I stole him from Brandons house and took him to Fat Daves, it was fun, I like being able not to worry about shit when it comes to him and me, we're just friends, and I'm loving every moment of it.
I'm updating a lot because I'm in a weird mood, I don't know what to call this mood but I had a long night of thinking and a bright and sunny morning to ponder on.
I have so much more I wish I could say, but I don't know how so I'm going to leave it at that.