(no subject)
I know I said i wasn't going to type in this anymore but this shit is just killing me right now. I've never missed a person so much as I have missed German right now. I love him so much that I probably spend about 70% of my fuckin day thinking about him. I don't know what to do anymore. He is suppose to be coming to the USA in December, but I haven't heard from him in a month! Why won't he talk to me? A simple email, a simple phone call, a simple hello, that is all that I need, and once again he's disappear from my life again. Last year when he did this we didn't talk for months on end, it killed me. I had never missed someone so much in my entire life. And now I feel like this is what will happen once again. When I left Chile in August, we continued to talk on skype for 2 months almost everyday, for hours on end, and now I happy with just a "how are you?" on stupid fucking facebook chat. What the hell am I doing to myself? I cannot continue to torture myself with this? I've tried to get over him in so many ways. I've seen other men, I've put every letter he has written me, everything he has given me, everything that he has made me, and anything that reminded me of Chile in a box far underneath my bed, far out of sight. I could never destroy those letters though for they are the most romantic words I have ever put my eyes on. What should I do? I have no idea. I don't know if he will really even come here any more, I don't know if I'll even be able to see him again, and yet I continue to love this boy so much that every time I think of him my eyes water and my throat starts to swell. He will never be able to actualize how much I love him. I would do anything for him, and yet he can't even open his life up to me.
I knew that this was impossible from the start. I knew that it wasn't fair to either one of us. Even if I try to date other guys he is still lingering in the back of my head, and floating around in my heart. I fell in love with him in a week, and somehow we've seemed to dragged that week into a year and a half, and now I'm just exhausted. My heart is exhausted from missing him. My mind is exhausted from thinking of him. One of the best moments of my life was when I saw him again in the airport in August. After a year of uncertainties, doubt, denial, and loneliness, we were together again. Our love is explosive, and it exploded in that tiny airport in La Serena. But now I feel like my heart will explode because it now only beats for him, and I cannot endure this darkness any longer. I just need a signal, a sign, an indication that he still feels the same about me, but it seems like this dream has turned into a pile of dust. Light, unreliable, and easily blown into the wind, and I can't hold onto this dream for much longer.
I knew that this was impossible from the start. I knew that it wasn't fair to either one of us. Even if I try to date other guys he is still lingering in the back of my head, and floating around in my heart. I fell in love with him in a week, and somehow we've seemed to dragged that week into a year and a half, and now I'm just exhausted. My heart is exhausted from missing him. My mind is exhausted from thinking of him. One of the best moments of my life was when I saw him again in the airport in August. After a year of uncertainties, doubt, denial, and loneliness, we were together again. Our love is explosive, and it exploded in that tiny airport in La Serena. But now I feel like my heart will explode because it now only beats for him, and I cannot endure this darkness any longer. I just need a signal, a sign, an indication that he still feels the same about me, but it seems like this dream has turned into a pile of dust. Light, unreliable, and easily blown into the wind, and I can't hold onto this dream for much longer.