Realized some things

Oct 16, 2010 13:14

One thing I'm beginning to realize is just how much being raised in a very restrictive and negative religion has affected me mental health wise.

Oh, the bipolar thing is organic, but some of the ideas and treatment I received definitely aggravated the whole thing.

One obsession I still find myself falling into is believing God is punishing me..or fate or some supernatural force every time something unhappy or difficult happens to me.
My concept of God has changed a lot intellectually, but when you're a little kid who is being told that God will smack you around for every bad thing you do, and most every thing you do that isn't pious is bad, well....you get into the habit of thinking that every time you do anything for "fleshly" reasons, as it's called, you're gonna get it from big bad sky Father.

See, the Jehovah's Witness life is all about 24/7 doing everything possible for God or his "organization". You give up everything for that, and anything you do for yourself is unfaithfulness and disloyalty, and just plain ungodly.

Even your sexual habits are carefully monitored, regardless of if you're married or not, to make sure that sex is a low priority...it must never become more important than doing godly service of any sort. So, of course, the more pleasurable the act, the more it's looked down upon. Recreation is grudgingly allowed, but many Witnesses don't even own a TV set for fear of gaining too much pleasure from it.

Interestingly, all that sexual monitoring repression leads to "fornication" being the number one thing that Witnesses are excommunicated and shunned for, not differences of doctrine or anything else.

The other thing that is contributing to me feeling very depressed and displaced is that you're barely allowed friends outside of the other Witnesses. Ideally, not at all. Outsiders are "unclean", "ungodly" and "bad association".
This means if you leave, you leave every close friend you ever had too, and possibly family support.
Some Ex Witnesses find the lack of social support so depressing and intimidating that they go back to a religion they actually no longer believe in just to have the security of family and friends again.

I'm fortunate to have some family who is supportive of my not being involved anymore. But, now I live where I know few people, have very few social connections, no job, nothing that you need to feel part of a community.

In fact, the internet "community" is my strongest one at the moment...I know far more people on LJ and Facebook or Second life than I know in my local community.

It's this displacement that is contributing to some extent to my anxiety and depression, making the bipolar situation worse.

I'll never be free of it entirely but there's definitely some severely contributing factors now.

The other huge stress factor of course is financial. Trying to survive on about a 150 bucks a week (or less....Phil missed almost a whole week last week with the flu) is almost impossible. It was a hundred dollars more a week, which was do-able, until they started taking out the child support arrears. I feel I'm draining my family I'm living with dry, they help as much as possible but its' not fair to them at all.

I have looked into SSI and my counselor asked me a lot of questions in that direction. If I am indeed eligible, it will take some months.

No real fixes I can see in the meantime...but I'm too brain drained to think about this stuff now anyway.

But, I can't say enough about warning people away from religions like Jehovah's Witnesses. I feel it's contributed greatly to my current situation and mental issues, especially the Post Traumatic Stress issues.

Conventional religion may have it's issues and be losing it's appeal to many, but it's nothing as seriously affecting to your life in a negative way as being in a cult or being involved with cult-like sects.

I got a letter from a young man the other day who just poured his heart out to me about how angry and disappointed he is to have been mislead and deceived by Jehovah's Witnesses the short time he was involved. His rage was astonishing, but I think he had to vent it somehow.

I have moments like that too, when I think of the years I wasted..my youth, actually, avoiding things that could be helping me cope with life in the real world today, like a better education or job or even finding out the cause of my mood disorder and not trying to "pray it away".

Feeling one has spent the first 36 years of one's life living an unauthentic and unhealthy life is mind blowing. I try to gain some comfort from the fact that at least I'm done with it and am out, late in life though it may be and yes, damage done, some of it probably not ever fixable.

But, I think if I can keep one person from making that same mistake...including my own children, then maybe it was worth it.

When Witnesses come knocking at your door, don't waste one minute of your time with them except to say this..."I feel badly for you, because your cult is crumbling financially and spiritually around you and your leaders don't even have the mercy to let you know it." Then shut the door.

Yes, financially and corporately, the Watchtower society is dying and having to sell properties right and left to even maintain the basics...if it lasts another 5 years, I'll be amazed.

If I'm still around when it happens, I will rejoice, and so will many others who are free from it.
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