(no subject)
i am afraid of being lonely. There I said it out loud.
Rob doesn't love me. It hasn't been peaches and cream for a year now , and the reason has been that he has known that he is not in love with me , and couldn't tell me, because he "loves" me, and didn't want to hurt me ,and also because he wasn't sure why he didn't love me , and didn't understand how he could not love me because I'm so great. These are his words , and I feel a little bad for his perdictament , um but not too bad , I think if he was going to pretend , he could have done a better job of it. I have been on an emotional rollarcoaster for two days , and everything emotion that swells up in my heart becomes overwhelming , and I spurt them all out to him. It is humilating, to pour my heart out to the man who can not feel. I used to wonder why he couldn't feel , until I started to go through this , and now I can see how it could happen, I want to be more like him , I want to have the callouses that he has. You would think that I would by now , and the truth is I have started to have them , but not where he is concerned. ....... you know what ? that expression heart on your sleeve ,I have always personified that. The expression is a negative one ... she wears her heart on her sleeve , it is said with distain .. and yet , when I was a child I thought it was normal , and as an adolecent , I was proud of it. I thought the ability to love and to feel love was a good thing. ... but the older I get , the more I don't understand it, what is the point of growing attachments , when the cycle of life says that they will wilt away. ... why do we grow them ? is it because the good times , outweight the death of the attachment ? ... Is it a religious thing , like I would have thought in my theologian days ... the God shaped hole , longing to be whole ... well if that is the case that is a whack way to create us... say we have free will , and then we have this gaping hole in us that can only be filled by you ... ofcourse if I remember correctly from my days of school , we weren't created with the hole , we inherited it from our first parents who seperated themselves with origional sin.... I wonder if I inhereted some of my Mom's hole , some of my mothers pain -
Tonight after spewing twelve hundred emotions at a silent , stressed out rob , and convulsivly crying in front of him .. I had to walk away .. for him not for me , for him , I couldn't keep going on and on and on , casting pearls in front of swine ... I came in here , layed in bed , and as my heart physically hurt , started to think ,,, as must be natural , where can I go , what can I do , how do i feel better , how can I avoid this pain... maybe I will go see a friend , maybe I will hop on a plane and go away for the weekend ... and then it occured to me , if Rob and I aren't speaking , and I don't tell him ... who will know I am gone ? what if something happened to me ? who would know , ... no one would even know if I died tomorrow. .... So i had to put some words out on the cosmic world wide web ... Live Journal is kind of like the journal for the lonely , you write for yourself , but really you right that someone may see and understand , if they do not ... well you still learned a little more about yourself , and got it all out.
I want to pretend like I am the strong independent girl that I think I am , and will be fine being lonely , but i'm not. It isn't that I don't have friends because I do , but i do not belong to anyone , you wouldn't understand until you have no family left. If this had happened four years ago , I would be laying in my Mom's bed , telling her how it feels , and I could have talked as long as I wanted with out annoying her , and she would have loved me , and understood and worried. I know some ppl never have that , but I did , and now i'm missing it , and not really sure how to live with out it.
I think sometimes break ups aren't just about not being compatable , but become about yourself , and your own issues and insecurties , ... I have been honest with myself , I know my emotions , hell , I even know where they came from ,who can say that ? ppl spend thousands of dollars on therepy , getting to know themseves , and where their emotions come from. ... not I , I remember every case of "abandonment" that has compounded to cause the pain I am feeling right now.
The thing is though , even knowing why has done nothing to help me not feel this way.
Sad confused , Lonely
Rob doesn't love me. It hasn't been peaches and cream for a year now , and the reason has been that he has known that he is not in love with me , and couldn't tell me, because he "loves" me, and didn't want to hurt me ,and also because he wasn't sure why he didn't love me , and didn't understand how he could not love me because I'm so great. These are his words , and I feel a little bad for his perdictament , um but not too bad , I think if he was going to pretend , he could have done a better job of it. I have been on an emotional rollarcoaster for two days , and everything emotion that swells up in my heart becomes overwhelming , and I spurt them all out to him. It is humilating, to pour my heart out to the man who can not feel. I used to wonder why he couldn't feel , until I started to go through this , and now I can see how it could happen, I want to be more like him , I want to have the callouses that he has. You would think that I would by now , and the truth is I have started to have them , but not where he is concerned. ....... you know what ? that expression heart on your sleeve ,I have always personified that. The expression is a negative one ... she wears her heart on her sleeve , it is said with distain .. and yet , when I was a child I thought it was normal , and as an adolecent , I was proud of it. I thought the ability to love and to feel love was a good thing. ... but the older I get , the more I don't understand it, what is the point of growing attachments , when the cycle of life says that they will wilt away. ... why do we grow them ? is it because the good times , outweight the death of the attachment ? ... Is it a religious thing , like I would have thought in my theologian days ... the God shaped hole , longing to be whole ... well if that is the case that is a whack way to create us... say we have free will , and then we have this gaping hole in us that can only be filled by you ... ofcourse if I remember correctly from my days of school , we weren't created with the hole , we inherited it from our first parents who seperated themselves with origional sin.... I wonder if I inhereted some of my Mom's hole , some of my mothers pain -
Tonight after spewing twelve hundred emotions at a silent , stressed out rob , and convulsivly crying in front of him .. I had to walk away .. for him not for me , for him , I couldn't keep going on and on and on , casting pearls in front of swine ... I came in here , layed in bed , and as my heart physically hurt , started to think ,,, as must be natural , where can I go , what can I do , how do i feel better , how can I avoid this pain... maybe I will go see a friend , maybe I will hop on a plane and go away for the weekend ... and then it occured to me , if Rob and I aren't speaking , and I don't tell him ... who will know I am gone ? what if something happened to me ? who would know , ... no one would even know if I died tomorrow. .... So i had to put some words out on the cosmic world wide web ... Live Journal is kind of like the journal for the lonely , you write for yourself , but really you right that someone may see and understand , if they do not ... well you still learned a little more about yourself , and got it all out.
I want to pretend like I am the strong independent girl that I think I am , and will be fine being lonely , but i'm not. It isn't that I don't have friends because I do , but i do not belong to anyone , you wouldn't understand until you have no family left. If this had happened four years ago , I would be laying in my Mom's bed , telling her how it feels , and I could have talked as long as I wanted with out annoying her , and she would have loved me , and understood and worried. I know some ppl never have that , but I did , and now i'm missing it , and not really sure how to live with out it.
I think sometimes break ups aren't just about not being compatable , but become about yourself , and your own issues and insecurties , ... I have been honest with myself , I know my emotions , hell , I even know where they came from ,who can say that ? ppl spend thousands of dollars on therepy , getting to know themseves , and where their emotions come from. ... not I , I remember every case of "abandonment" that has compounded to cause the pain I am feeling right now.
The thing is though , even knowing why has done nothing to help me not feel this way.
Sad confused , Lonely