(no subject)
usually when i am crying uncontolably i start to analize why .. i begin to look for reasons why my tears are falling so hard so fast , and then I start to write hoping that what comes out on the paper will somehow make more sense than what is in my head swirling around , but it never does , it looks just like the mess in my head. i have excuses to cry who doesn't but still everytime my number one excuse is what is wrong with me there must be something wrong with me that I am crying so hard right now this possibly can not possibly be this bad. NOT TONIGHT ! , tonight I god damn think it can be that bad , and the tears cold on my face are waking me up reminding me yes damn it - it is that bad ! - is it the end of the world of course fucking not. --- it is just life , it is just the uncontrollable life that if i let myself feel the way i wanted to everyday i would not be able to eat , or sleep or live , so i suck it up , and do that with this new numb gina , the gina who sleeps until all god damn hours of the afternoon , and goes to work , and comes home and does it all over again - do i walk around sad -- no i walk around normal normal normal , just as the world and my super ego , and society says i should be normal , --- what is not normal , what is not normal is the deep feelings i have every day , ... depression , NO it is not depression , it is not fucking depression , it is feeling - --- THERE is a thought world , FEELING , yes heart on my sleeve feel every god damn thing that comes your way , that is who i am and I am not sorry for it , and i am tired of apologizing for it , -==I think i feel more than any person has ever imagined , I feel ... and I feel , --- one may say there is more to life than feeling .... the one who says that is afraid of feeling. ----- I love to feel. It is what it means to be alive --- I think therefore I am , i disagree I feel therefore I am. ... the downfall is that just like the world expects me to be as numb as they are I expect them to feel the way I do , and they don't - they coldly go through life , with no god damn care in the world . ......