Goodbye, my love
Last night I received a phone call that he'd become unresponsive. So today I went to the hospital, contacted his family, and sat with him until he passed. His mother got to say goodbye. My brother and sister-in-law came and sat with me awhile. One of his close longtime friends got to say goodbye. And at the end I sat with him facing me, his brother on the other side of the bed, my friend Lisa who came to be with me at the foot of the bed. And we waited.
I met with the hospice team earlier in the day. They talked with me about what I understood of his condition. They asked me about him as a person. I showed them some photos. And then I cried and they hovered over me.
After that I just sat quietly in the room with him all afternoon. I purchased a customized urn. I spoke to a few friends on the phone, and held his hand and was comforted by the sound of his breathing. He was hooked up to a monitor. I watched the monitor for signs and prayed that he went quickly. The hospice team had told me he might take a few days. But I sat and held his hand and told him it was ok to go. That I had friends taking care of me. His brother had friends taking care of him. His father was waiting for him. (His mother told me she had a dream a few weeks ago that he was a baby. His father picked him up and brought him into another room and closed the door behind them. When his mother went to follow, he told her not to come).
At one point they gave him some pain medicine because they were planning to transport him to a hospice bed. Then he opened his eyes somewhat and I felt him gazing upon me. His eyes eventually opened more into a fixed stare and the monitors started showing his heart rate slowing down and oxygen depleting. I again told him that I loved him and that it was ok to go. Not to hang on for my sake. After awhile I could see the change come over his face. He had departed. The monitors showed less and less and less. And then his heart stopped beating completely and he was really gone.
It was so quiet, so peaceful. He wasn't in pain. And he wasn't alone. I was the last thing he saw. And I am so thankful. I'm thankful I could be there for him. I'm thanking for what little time we had together. I am thankful his brother was gracious and not horrible. I am thankful for what he's taught me about love, and patience, and trust. And now I have to learn how to carry on without him.
Goodbye, my love.
I met with the hospice team earlier in the day. They talked with me about what I understood of his condition. They asked me about him as a person. I showed them some photos. And then I cried and they hovered over me.
After that I just sat quietly in the room with him all afternoon. I purchased a customized urn. I spoke to a few friends on the phone, and held his hand and was comforted by the sound of his breathing. He was hooked up to a monitor. I watched the monitor for signs and prayed that he went quickly. The hospice team had told me he might take a few days. But I sat and held his hand and told him it was ok to go. That I had friends taking care of me. His brother had friends taking care of him. His father was waiting for him. (His mother told me she had a dream a few weeks ago that he was a baby. His father picked him up and brought him into another room and closed the door behind them. When his mother went to follow, he told her not to come).
At one point they gave him some pain medicine because they were planning to transport him to a hospice bed. Then he opened his eyes somewhat and I felt him gazing upon me. His eyes eventually opened more into a fixed stare and the monitors started showing his heart rate slowing down and oxygen depleting. I again told him that I loved him and that it was ok to go. Not to hang on for my sake. After awhile I could see the change come over his face. He had departed. The monitors showed less and less and less. And then his heart stopped beating completely and he was really gone.
It was so quiet, so peaceful. He wasn't in pain. And he wasn't alone. I was the last thing he saw. And I am so thankful. I'm thankful I could be there for him. I'm thanking for what little time we had together. I am thankful his brother was gracious and not horrible. I am thankful for what he's taught me about love, and patience, and trust. And now I have to learn how to carry on without him.
Goodbye, my love.