It's all about ME!
I have made a decision to stop letting Dave's moods affect my moods. I have decided to committing myself to working out again. That helps me feel so much better about myself. I am doing it for me, not him. ;-) I am trying to enjoy the girls so much more. Trying to have more fun with them. I am going to be all about ME :-) Life is too short to be miserable all the time.
Last night I was as chipper as I could be, espeically since it was a rough day for me. He went to the gym and when he came back I went to take the dogs for a walk and asked him to identify his emotional needs, as defined in one of the books I am reading. The jist of the book says that there are 10 basic emotional needs, definitely more, but these 10 are the most typical. Out of those 10 needs, men usually chose a certain 5 and women different 5. The goal of the book is to identify what needs are important to each person and for the other person to try to meet those needs. He thinks this is a bunch of BS but he humored me and did it anyway. Then he was asleep when I came back.
This morning, I got up and worked out (felt good about that) and got ready for work. He had put his mood as miserable on the chart and I went and put mine as optimistic. I kissed everyone goodbye and wished them a good day. As I was getting in my car, he came into the garage and asked about the mood. I told him that I put it there for me, not for him. Nothing he has done has given me any optimism. I am in a good mood because I worked out and I am just being happy for me. We then talked a bit. He is still so miserable. I asked him if he wanted to be in love with me again. He said that isn't an easy answer. I said it is a yes/no answer... either you want it or you don't. I didn't ask if he tought he could. I also told him that what he is feeling for her is what he used to feel for me. Right now he is missing her terribly because he hasn't seen/talked to her in a while. I asked if he remembers when we were dating and we would talk first thing in the morning, spend the day together, talk in the evening, and be upset when we couldn't be together. That is how he is feeling now with her. I just keep trying to remind him that the things he feels for her are things that he felt for me before. I asked what can she give him that I can't. He says tangibly, nothing. It's that intangible thing he can't even define, which I am guessing I provided for him at one time or he wouldn't have married me. I left shortly after that.
OK, so here are the rankings of our emotional needs. The first number will be mine, the second number with be his.
1 4 Affection
7 5 Sexual fulfillment
6 9 Conversation
3 3 Recreational companionship
2 1 Honesty and openness
5 2 Physical attractiveness
10 8 Financial Support
8 7 Domestic support
4 6 Family commitment
9 10 Admiration
I can tell you right now that I know I wasn't meeting his 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 needs before all this came out. This will all be TMI I'm sure, but I need to write about it for me.
Honesty and Openness - I never once told him that I didn't want to ML because I was insecure about my body and not losing the baby weight. Of course growing up Catholic didn't help either. And I didn't tell him when he wasn't meeting my needs emotionally.
Physical attractiveness - Didn't lose that baby weight and I would only make a little effort to workout. I would workout for a week then stop with some excuse for not working out. If anyone knows Dave, you know how much into working out he is, and that is one thing we used to do all the time together before we were married.
Recreational Companionship - Once we had kids, out dates ended. We rarely went out alone without the girls, and were always in bed early. We had never been away from the girls until this past weekend. We both definitely neglected this. We used to play tennis, go out to eat, bowl, mini golf, rollerblade, workout, and so much more, all things we did together.
Affection - When he started pulling away, I stopped being affectionate to him. I remember I was always running late and I was too lazy to go back upstairs to give him a hug and kiss because "it would take too long" as I was running out the door for work.
Sexual fulfillment - We were typically a once a week couple, and I wasn't very adventurous in the bedroom. And once TTC started, it became a chore. there was absolutely no fun in it.
My next step will be to sit down with him and go through our lists and see what we can do to try to meet each others needs.
Last night I was as chipper as I could be, espeically since it was a rough day for me. He went to the gym and when he came back I went to take the dogs for a walk and asked him to identify his emotional needs, as defined in one of the books I am reading. The jist of the book says that there are 10 basic emotional needs, definitely more, but these 10 are the most typical. Out of those 10 needs, men usually chose a certain 5 and women different 5. The goal of the book is to identify what needs are important to each person and for the other person to try to meet those needs. He thinks this is a bunch of BS but he humored me and did it anyway. Then he was asleep when I came back.
This morning, I got up and worked out (felt good about that) and got ready for work. He had put his mood as miserable on the chart and I went and put mine as optimistic. I kissed everyone goodbye and wished them a good day. As I was getting in my car, he came into the garage and asked about the mood. I told him that I put it there for me, not for him. Nothing he has done has given me any optimism. I am in a good mood because I worked out and I am just being happy for me. We then talked a bit. He is still so miserable. I asked him if he wanted to be in love with me again. He said that isn't an easy answer. I said it is a yes/no answer... either you want it or you don't. I didn't ask if he tought he could. I also told him that what he is feeling for her is what he used to feel for me. Right now he is missing her terribly because he hasn't seen/talked to her in a while. I asked if he remembers when we were dating and we would talk first thing in the morning, spend the day together, talk in the evening, and be upset when we couldn't be together. That is how he is feeling now with her. I just keep trying to remind him that the things he feels for her are things that he felt for me before. I asked what can she give him that I can't. He says tangibly, nothing. It's that intangible thing he can't even define, which I am guessing I provided for him at one time or he wouldn't have married me. I left shortly after that.
OK, so here are the rankings of our emotional needs. The first number will be mine, the second number with be his.
1 4 Affection
7 5 Sexual fulfillment
6 9 Conversation
3 3 Recreational companionship
2 1 Honesty and openness
5 2 Physical attractiveness
10 8 Financial Support
8 7 Domestic support
4 6 Family commitment
9 10 Admiration
I can tell you right now that I know I wasn't meeting his 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 needs before all this came out. This will all be TMI I'm sure, but I need to write about it for me.
Honesty and Openness - I never once told him that I didn't want to ML because I was insecure about my body and not losing the baby weight. Of course growing up Catholic didn't help either. And I didn't tell him when he wasn't meeting my needs emotionally.
Physical attractiveness - Didn't lose that baby weight and I would only make a little effort to workout. I would workout for a week then stop with some excuse for not working out. If anyone knows Dave, you know how much into working out he is, and that is one thing we used to do all the time together before we were married.
Recreational Companionship - Once we had kids, out dates ended. We rarely went out alone without the girls, and were always in bed early. We had never been away from the girls until this past weekend. We both definitely neglected this. We used to play tennis, go out to eat, bowl, mini golf, rollerblade, workout, and so much more, all things we did together.
Affection - When he started pulling away, I stopped being affectionate to him. I remember I was always running late and I was too lazy to go back upstairs to give him a hug and kiss because "it would take too long" as I was running out the door for work.
Sexual fulfillment - We were typically a once a week couple, and I wasn't very adventurous in the bedroom. And once TTC started, it became a chore. there was absolutely no fun in it.
My next step will be to sit down with him and go through our lists and see what we can do to try to meet each others needs.