(no subject)
Isn't it just like me...considering it's 5am...I have only slept two hours and I have so much going on in my head that I have no other choice but to turn to lj. When I'm so depressed I don't know what to do with myself ...here is where I come.
It's a testament to myself that I haven't been on here in 6 months. Life was going pretty well up until the end of february. Then everything seemed to fall apart.
Just before I went to Sydney....Jess went into hospital to have a mirena inserted. We were told that there would be perhaps a few days of discomfort. 6 weeks later and Jess still has spotting...and she has only just stopped having period pain every single fucking day. This was not in the brochure. And if I had had pain everyday for the last 5 weeks, I'd probably be as grumpy and depressed as her.
She also got layed work due to her work simply being over-staffed and not having enough hours to give away. So...no job...no body.
Her car was taken away about a month ago so that we could get the roadworthy done. This has taken a great deal of time...this was because her cousin (whom the car belonged to) had to take care and ultimately send off his mother (Jess' aunt) as she died from cancer a couple of weeks ago.
No job, no body, no freedom and a loss of one of her closest relatives have really stripped Jess down. She's seriously not the person she was at the the beginning of this year. It's amazing what this stuff can do to a person. Loss. All within about 6 weeks.
The problem with me, is the pressure now. Postponing work experience for personal training was seriously not something I wanted to consider...but I had to. Still living in a house and needing to pay $350 per week in rent.
Well I tried. I'm always coming into work late. I try and work 30 hours per week and it was only this last week that I managed to do it.
Ever since I got back from Sydney I have been sick on and off, the majority of which was last week but it has still lingered.
I've caught up on 6 weeks worth of massage at work. All things considered it's a miracle that I've been able to do this. If I hadn't I would have had to defer.
I'm such a douche for having enrolled in the course so early but I suppose it'll be worth it in the end.
The career plan has kind of skewed a little from the original plan but I'll get to that later.
Jess and I finally admitted defeat a few days ago and started packing to move back to Dad's. Who knows whether we'll actually be able to fit a dog and a cat into that household. I suppose only time will tell.
To add to it all Dad has been putting alot of pressure on me to progress towards buying a property over the next few weeks.
The original plan was to move out in a different rental property but Dad is pretty gun ho about going straight into buying now. So when I'm not working, studying, going to band practice or trying to please my wife...I'm at house inspections on all my days off.
That all being said...the whole pleasing my wife thing is not going down so well. I've pretty much given up on the idea of having a social life whilst all this other stuff is going on so (except for wednesdays) I'm spending every single night at home. But it's just not enough. Jess needs an incredible amount of emotional support right now that I'm just not around to offer.
She just wants me as soon as I come home and hates going to bed cause she know she won't see me when she wakes up. She has lost all motivation for herself. Again, a complete turn around from the girl that was studying two days per week, going to work every other day and having a life...seeing friends, working out, cooking...
Looking at it all now. I think I'm going to take Monday off. I think I need to.
I need to finish off my personal training course and Jess needs to re-enroll into the cert IV of the course. Once that has been done I will be able to breathe alot easier. And Jess will be fine with studying twice a week. She gets buggered pretty easy and will be happy to have days at home with that going on. Then I intend on messaging Scott to see if I can help with the car.
I'm behind in alot of things I've got going at the moment. And it bloody plagues me.
I have a major assignment due next week for my anatomy class that I haven't started yet...I'm still a week behind on lectures and a quiz.
I also have a workbook due for my other class. I also really need to knuckle down on writing lyrics for the songs we've got going in the band. I've got works in the project but they need to be worked on more.
Finding time for myself in all this has been the biggest struggle so far. Just none.
But I haven't mentioned anything about the shining light in my life, at the moment,
My band. During one of the most difficult times in my life so far I just so happened to be surrounded by a group of amazing individuals who completely see me and love me as I am. We finally have a full line up of musicians and almost a full set of original songs to begin performing in late April.
We have booked in studio sessions for a demo that we shall be able to release unto the world in late April as well. It's taken almost a full year...but we're finally ready to unleash ourselves from the collar and chain of writing and rehearsal.
Of course...we still have a plethora of layers to delve into on our journey. There is still plenty more to explore and the boys have a long way to go with there songwriting yet.
But...there is progression and that's mostly what I'm interested in. Progress. Nevermind the outcome.
I seriously can't believe how long my plans have taken to come to fruition...but I am so close to achieving alot of things...it's just annoying that they're coming all at once and making me terribly run down because of it.
My vision is to keep studying but to also have my own website where I pretty much get to sell myself.
Starting out, I am going to be a personal trainer and a masseuse. I am beginning to also conduct off the book vocal lessons. I, however, severely need to look into a qualification to be able to teach this.
These will be my three focal points for a while. After some settling in I will look into furthering my massage qualification to take my certificate IV to a diploma in remedial massage.
I also need to do some specialization with my fitness work and some study into nutrition. I have also always been incredibly interested in reiki and would love to incorporate it into my work.
Eventually I would like to have my own accredited program to give to those wanting to change their lives around. To sort of be a lifestyle trainer, rather then just a fitness trainer.
This may take a couple of years, but I'm happy to keep picking away at it until it gradually comes together. I need some work/ife experience first.
The vocals thing is something else too. Now that I'm looking at being a professional musician I love the idea of being able to impart my years of knowledge on vocal technique to others. It's kind of incredible that I've been working on this one thing for so long...it's my discipline where I thought I had none.
I love being a teacher, but I never saw myself in a systematic educational environment. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of a school...I just don't like schools I've seen so far.
I like the idea of Hogwarts, getting to go to a place to learn that is way more awesome then staying at home.
I'm going to push off now and write some lyrics. Think I might update in a week to check in where everything is at. I miss America.
It's a testament to myself that I haven't been on here in 6 months. Life was going pretty well up until the end of february. Then everything seemed to fall apart.
Just before I went to Sydney....Jess went into hospital to have a mirena inserted. We were told that there would be perhaps a few days of discomfort. 6 weeks later and Jess still has spotting...and she has only just stopped having period pain every single fucking day. This was not in the brochure. And if I had had pain everyday for the last 5 weeks, I'd probably be as grumpy and depressed as her.
She also got layed work due to her work simply being over-staffed and not having enough hours to give away. So...no job...no body.
Her car was taken away about a month ago so that we could get the roadworthy done. This has taken a great deal of time...this was because her cousin (whom the car belonged to) had to take care and ultimately send off his mother (Jess' aunt) as she died from cancer a couple of weeks ago.
No job, no body, no freedom and a loss of one of her closest relatives have really stripped Jess down. She's seriously not the person she was at the the beginning of this year. It's amazing what this stuff can do to a person. Loss. All within about 6 weeks.
The problem with me, is the pressure now. Postponing work experience for personal training was seriously not something I wanted to consider...but I had to. Still living in a house and needing to pay $350 per week in rent.
Well I tried. I'm always coming into work late. I try and work 30 hours per week and it was only this last week that I managed to do it.
Ever since I got back from Sydney I have been sick on and off, the majority of which was last week but it has still lingered.
I've caught up on 6 weeks worth of massage at work. All things considered it's a miracle that I've been able to do this. If I hadn't I would have had to defer.
I'm such a douche for having enrolled in the course so early but I suppose it'll be worth it in the end.
The career plan has kind of skewed a little from the original plan but I'll get to that later.
Jess and I finally admitted defeat a few days ago and started packing to move back to Dad's. Who knows whether we'll actually be able to fit a dog and a cat into that household. I suppose only time will tell.
To add to it all Dad has been putting alot of pressure on me to progress towards buying a property over the next few weeks.
The original plan was to move out in a different rental property but Dad is pretty gun ho about going straight into buying now. So when I'm not working, studying, going to band practice or trying to please my wife...I'm at house inspections on all my days off.
That all being said...the whole pleasing my wife thing is not going down so well. I've pretty much given up on the idea of having a social life whilst all this other stuff is going on so (except for wednesdays) I'm spending every single night at home. But it's just not enough. Jess needs an incredible amount of emotional support right now that I'm just not around to offer.
She just wants me as soon as I come home and hates going to bed cause she know she won't see me when she wakes up. She has lost all motivation for herself. Again, a complete turn around from the girl that was studying two days per week, going to work every other day and having a life...seeing friends, working out, cooking...
Looking at it all now. I think I'm going to take Monday off. I think I need to.
I need to finish off my personal training course and Jess needs to re-enroll into the cert IV of the course. Once that has been done I will be able to breathe alot easier. And Jess will be fine with studying twice a week. She gets buggered pretty easy and will be happy to have days at home with that going on. Then I intend on messaging Scott to see if I can help with the car.
I'm behind in alot of things I've got going at the moment. And it bloody plagues me.
I have a major assignment due next week for my anatomy class that I haven't started yet...I'm still a week behind on lectures and a quiz.
I also have a workbook due for my other class. I also really need to knuckle down on writing lyrics for the songs we've got going in the band. I've got works in the project but they need to be worked on more.
Finding time for myself in all this has been the biggest struggle so far. Just none.
But I haven't mentioned anything about the shining light in my life, at the moment,
My band. During one of the most difficult times in my life so far I just so happened to be surrounded by a group of amazing individuals who completely see me and love me as I am. We finally have a full line up of musicians and almost a full set of original songs to begin performing in late April.
We have booked in studio sessions for a demo that we shall be able to release unto the world in late April as well. It's taken almost a full year...but we're finally ready to unleash ourselves from the collar and chain of writing and rehearsal.
Of course...we still have a plethora of layers to delve into on our journey. There is still plenty more to explore and the boys have a long way to go with there songwriting yet.
But...there is progression and that's mostly what I'm interested in. Progress. Nevermind the outcome.
I seriously can't believe how long my plans have taken to come to fruition...but I am so close to achieving alot of things...it's just annoying that they're coming all at once and making me terribly run down because of it.
My vision is to keep studying but to also have my own website where I pretty much get to sell myself.
Starting out, I am going to be a personal trainer and a masseuse. I am beginning to also conduct off the book vocal lessons. I, however, severely need to look into a qualification to be able to teach this.
These will be my three focal points for a while. After some settling in I will look into furthering my massage qualification to take my certificate IV to a diploma in remedial massage.
I also need to do some specialization with my fitness work and some study into nutrition. I have also always been incredibly interested in reiki and would love to incorporate it into my work.
Eventually I would like to have my own accredited program to give to those wanting to change their lives around. To sort of be a lifestyle trainer, rather then just a fitness trainer.
This may take a couple of years, but I'm happy to keep picking away at it until it gradually comes together. I need some work/ife experience first.
The vocals thing is something else too. Now that I'm looking at being a professional musician I love the idea of being able to impart my years of knowledge on vocal technique to others. It's kind of incredible that I've been working on this one thing for so long...it's my discipline where I thought I had none.
I love being a teacher, but I never saw myself in a systematic educational environment. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of a school...I just don't like schools I've seen so far.
I like the idea of Hogwarts, getting to go to a place to learn that is way more awesome then staying at home.
I'm going to push off now and write some lyrics. Think I might update in a week to check in where everything is at. I miss America.