blargh
I hate the general malaise that seems to sweep into my life on Sunday evenings, peaking by the time I get to work on Monday morning.
I'm not sure if it's a result of the weekend, or facing yet another week at work in which I'm doing the same fucking thing over and over and knowing that the results of my labor won't be worth anything in the long run . . . or if it's just my hormones kicking into overdrive for the sake of my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.
Either way, it sucks. And I hate feeling like I'm about to cry for no apparent reason, and in my searching for something tangential to blame it all on, I reach for the inevitable, and I don't like that very much either.
I'm so tired of drama. I just want life to be peaceful and happy and not messy and confusing.
Driving back (yet again) from NYC yesterday night/this morning, there was this one ad that kept coming on the radio. It was trying to recruit for some shitty computer training course that's most definitely a scam, but the opening tag line was something like "you spend a LOT of your time as an adult at your job. A LOT. so you better like it".
This summer really made me realize that, as banal as it is. I spend nearly 80% of my time at this job, doing pretty much the same shit that my supervisor and PI face on a daily basis . . . and after about 3 months, I'm ready to freak out just with the thought of having to face another morning cleaning up rat blood. And it scares me that this seems to be a pattern for me . . . I can do almost any job, from menial manual labor -- one of the most satisfying -- to intense scientific analysis like this, and be happy -- but only for about 3 months. Then I start to get ansy, and just want to leave and try something else.
I can't decide if it's just because I know at the start that it's only going to be a temporary position, so at about week 10 I start to do the mental countdown, and the last week (such as this one is) seems to drag on forever . . . or if my brain is just really wired to have a 3 month attention span.
It makes me nervous to contemplate life after college, when I'll have to work a job for more than 3 months, without a vacation, without the knowledge that respite in the form of Oberlin, being surrounded by 3000 people my age who I could probably get along with if I absolutely had to, unlimited supplies of alcohol and other recreational substances, and little to no real responsibilities is only a few short months away.
I sort of feel like I've squandered college. As in, I'm only starting to realize how fucking cool and what a goddamned (!) sweet deal it is . . . and now I only have one more year left.
I'm also scared that if I get the fellowship that I want so badly, I'll come back to the states in 12 months totally unemployable. I won't have my medic's license, or really a way to get one very easily, and will probably just have to suck it up and get a lab tech job or work on an ambulance doing transport duty as a lowly EMT for $9/hr. Neither or which sounds like a very happy prospect.
I think I understand now why my cousins never seemed to grow up until their late 30s. It just sort of blows chunks.
I'm not sure if it's a result of the weekend, or facing yet another week at work in which I'm doing the same fucking thing over and over and knowing that the results of my labor won't be worth anything in the long run . . . or if it's just my hormones kicking into overdrive for the sake of my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.
Either way, it sucks. And I hate feeling like I'm about to cry for no apparent reason, and in my searching for something tangential to blame it all on, I reach for the inevitable, and I don't like that very much either.
I'm so tired of drama. I just want life to be peaceful and happy and not messy and confusing.
Driving back (yet again) from NYC yesterday night/this morning, there was this one ad that kept coming on the radio. It was trying to recruit for some shitty computer training course that's most definitely a scam, but the opening tag line was something like "you spend a LOT of your time as an adult at your job. A LOT. so you better like it".
This summer really made me realize that, as banal as it is. I spend nearly 80% of my time at this job, doing pretty much the same shit that my supervisor and PI face on a daily basis . . . and after about 3 months, I'm ready to freak out just with the thought of having to face another morning cleaning up rat blood. And it scares me that this seems to be a pattern for me . . . I can do almost any job, from menial manual labor -- one of the most satisfying -- to intense scientific analysis like this, and be happy -- but only for about 3 months. Then I start to get ansy, and just want to leave and try something else.
I can't decide if it's just because I know at the start that it's only going to be a temporary position, so at about week 10 I start to do the mental countdown, and the last week (such as this one is) seems to drag on forever . . . or if my brain is just really wired to have a 3 month attention span.
It makes me nervous to contemplate life after college, when I'll have to work a job for more than 3 months, without a vacation, without the knowledge that respite in the form of Oberlin, being surrounded by 3000 people my age who I could probably get along with if I absolutely had to, unlimited supplies of alcohol and other recreational substances, and little to no real responsibilities is only a few short months away.
I sort of feel like I've squandered college. As in, I'm only starting to realize how fucking cool and what a goddamned (!) sweet deal it is . . . and now I only have one more year left.
I'm also scared that if I get the fellowship that I want so badly, I'll come back to the states in 12 months totally unemployable. I won't have my medic's license, or really a way to get one very easily, and will probably just have to suck it up and get a lab tech job or work on an ambulance doing transport duty as a lowly EMT for $9/hr. Neither or which sounds like a very happy prospect.
I think I understand now why my cousins never seemed to grow up until their late 30s. It just sort of blows chunks.