man...
So Devan and I got in a big argument lastnight and it continued into today. I tried to just let it go, because I was just trying to accept the fact that - hey - he says it won't change so there's no point in me trying. I didn't say a word 'til. . .bam, suddenly, we're fighting. He says I make him feel guilty of doing something he hasn't even done, although he states if he does in fact feel like doing it, he will regardless. My point in the entire matter is that, over the last years with him, there have been uncountable instances where there has been something that he is doing that bothers me. I tell him, baby this bothers me a lot, and he continues to do it completely disregarding how I feel - no matter how strongly, it is still insignificant because he disagrees. He has put my feelings on the back burner and therefore putting a lot of pain, 'fight for freedom', anger, and resentment between us. I've never put his feelings on the back burner. Yes, I understand fully that he wants to be able to do what he wants to do when and how he wants to do it. But all I'm saying is that if something hurts me in the process, such as drinking at this time or smoking weed in the future, then hey - if it takes some stress off me and takes away the shit between us, then I don't understand why you won't.
It really got under my skin when he made it clear that when he promises he'll 'never' do something again, and he does it, because he wants to, he gets a 'you're a bad husband' trip. We've only been married what. . .since July, I think. And the first months of our marriage have been apart. That, to me, is like him saying, baby I'll never look at porn again - I don't care about it - etc etc., then one day, hmmm I wanna look at some porn . . . then he'll go and do it. I know for a fact he doesn't look at it because he very sincerely told me he doesn't want to. I have complete and utter faith in him that he won't because.. . .he doesn't want to. However, if he wants to do something, such as toke up on a saturday night and the moment strikes him, then so be it, he's gonna. It's different now. I felt really doomed to a lifetime of no-say in anything. He feels the same way about me. He feels like he doesn't have a say in what he does. However, all I ask him to do is not do 'bad' things and these things he doesn't feel really significantly about whereas I do.
Now, I think he feels like he gave up his 'freedom' to me just for the sake of staying together. But then, on my end, it's like. . .if you're doing something that your partner believes is wrong, immoral, or hurtful, should you want to stop doing them simply because your loved one is hurt by your actions? I don't like the whole free will talk. This is a relationship, and for a long time I felt really stuck. I felt like because I loved him the way I did (and still do), then I would continue to put up with being unhappy just.. again. . . because I wanted to be with him. I took it. But it doesn't work anymore for me, I can't stand being unhappy, and his actions have hurt me no less than the day I let out my feelings towards them to him. My feelings haven't at all changed on the actions, but I've adopted a few more ill ones because of the reasons and whys.
So, essentially, what happened was this. He said, "I'll do whatever you want. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it." Then he got upset, started to cry. . .I felt really bad because maybe I should have just at least tried to go about this a different way. I just couldn't take anymore. Am I satisfied? No. Because in my opinion, which can be easily swayed right now, he just said it to shut me up. Not because he cared for my comfort or mental well-being, nope. Cause he didn't want to hear anymore lip about him drinking. He says I'll never be satisfied, that isn't true in the least bit. I am very happy in our relationship, but when it comes to 'him' and then there's 'me', and just this situation, no, I'm not happy. The only things I would ask him to do are just think of how I feel, and I would hope that you would re-evaluate your decision based on my feelings, and your feelings towards them. I would appreciate feeling like I was taken into consideration when you lit up that bowl, and my emotions weren't thrown off to the side like garbage. There were countless times that has happened, and I understand completely that we're two different people, but I have always thought of the way my actions will effect his well-being. Therefore, I try to keep him happy in this relationship because seeing him happy in turn makes me happy. But when it comes to things that are immoral, substances such as drugs consuming alcohol at ill times, it doesn't fly with me. At all. I'm not okay with it and I can't keep making exceptions. Not even with him. I want us to have a very happy, healthy family, and that starts between us. If he's unhappy not 'being able' to sip on Everclear in Iraq, or smoke a joint when he comes home, then I don't know what to say. My happiness doesn't truly make him happy and I'm not sure if he's sincerely willing to give up vices to give me comfort. I believe he needs to change his mindset from his wife taking away his free will by communicating feelings and asking to make things right, to me trying to help create a more satisfied, devoted, understanding relationship so that in turn we can make stronger, more sound decisions together and later down the road have healthier, happier children.
If he's not happy by compromising with me, then I don't know what to do.
His idea of a compromise is an agreement that is reached by both partners and it is set in stone and cannot be changed. I tried out our agreement in a fleet to be okay with him having leeway to do these things, but it didn't work. So now it's time to try something else for now. He says he can't deal with the stress of that. . .but neither can I. So I dunno what.
I'm so confused and I want this resolved in a sound way that doesn't require arm-twisting and nagging about what's right and wrong, what marriage is and isn't, and our 'choice of words'.
I feel like I can't get through, he feel like he can't get by.
What are we going to do???
It really got under my skin when he made it clear that when he promises he'll 'never' do something again, and he does it, because he wants to, he gets a 'you're a bad husband' trip. We've only been married what. . .since July, I think. And the first months of our marriage have been apart. That, to me, is like him saying, baby I'll never look at porn again - I don't care about it - etc etc., then one day, hmmm I wanna look at some porn . . . then he'll go and do it. I know for a fact he doesn't look at it because he very sincerely told me he doesn't want to. I have complete and utter faith in him that he won't because.. . .he doesn't want to. However, if he wants to do something, such as toke up on a saturday night and the moment strikes him, then so be it, he's gonna. It's different now. I felt really doomed to a lifetime of no-say in anything. He feels the same way about me. He feels like he doesn't have a say in what he does. However, all I ask him to do is not do 'bad' things and these things he doesn't feel really significantly about whereas I do.
Now, I think he feels like he gave up his 'freedom' to me just for the sake of staying together. But then, on my end, it's like. . .if you're doing something that your partner believes is wrong, immoral, or hurtful, should you want to stop doing them simply because your loved one is hurt by your actions? I don't like the whole free will talk. This is a relationship, and for a long time I felt really stuck. I felt like because I loved him the way I did (and still do), then I would continue to put up with being unhappy just.. again. . . because I wanted to be with him. I took it. But it doesn't work anymore for me, I can't stand being unhappy, and his actions have hurt me no less than the day I let out my feelings towards them to him. My feelings haven't at all changed on the actions, but I've adopted a few more ill ones because of the reasons and whys.
So, essentially, what happened was this. He said, "I'll do whatever you want. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it." Then he got upset, started to cry. . .I felt really bad because maybe I should have just at least tried to go about this a different way. I just couldn't take anymore. Am I satisfied? No. Because in my opinion, which can be easily swayed right now, he just said it to shut me up. Not because he cared for my comfort or mental well-being, nope. Cause he didn't want to hear anymore lip about him drinking. He says I'll never be satisfied, that isn't true in the least bit. I am very happy in our relationship, but when it comes to 'him' and then there's 'me', and just this situation, no, I'm not happy. The only things I would ask him to do are just think of how I feel, and I would hope that you would re-evaluate your decision based on my feelings, and your feelings towards them. I would appreciate feeling like I was taken into consideration when you lit up that bowl, and my emotions weren't thrown off to the side like garbage. There were countless times that has happened, and I understand completely that we're two different people, but I have always thought of the way my actions will effect his well-being. Therefore, I try to keep him happy in this relationship because seeing him happy in turn makes me happy. But when it comes to things that are immoral, substances such as drugs consuming alcohol at ill times, it doesn't fly with me. At all. I'm not okay with it and I can't keep making exceptions. Not even with him. I want us to have a very happy, healthy family, and that starts between us. If he's unhappy not 'being able' to sip on Everclear in Iraq, or smoke a joint when he comes home, then I don't know what to say. My happiness doesn't truly make him happy and I'm not sure if he's sincerely willing to give up vices to give me comfort. I believe he needs to change his mindset from his wife taking away his free will by communicating feelings and asking to make things right, to me trying to help create a more satisfied, devoted, understanding relationship so that in turn we can make stronger, more sound decisions together and later down the road have healthier, happier children.
If he's not happy by compromising with me, then I don't know what to do.
His idea of a compromise is an agreement that is reached by both partners and it is set in stone and cannot be changed. I tried out our agreement in a fleet to be okay with him having leeway to do these things, but it didn't work. So now it's time to try something else for now. He says he can't deal with the stress of that. . .but neither can I. So I dunno what.
I'm so confused and I want this resolved in a sound way that doesn't require arm-twisting and nagging about what's right and wrong, what marriage is and isn't, and our 'choice of words'.
I feel like I can't get through, he feel like he can't get by.
What are we going to do???