(no subject)

[gimmedalight]

I've never told anyone this, but for as long as I can remember, in sporatic episodes there is a kind of loudness in my head that plagues me. I don't even know where to begin on how to describe it, but they are like a slowed down echoing sound that is sort of yelling at me but not really saying anything. It is more like a state of mind. I guess when I was a kid it was more intense, but now I feel like its actually rooted in something. Like it has a purpose or real meaning, or its a subconscious warning or expression of fears or emotions or something. I don't know. But ever since I can remember, when it happens, it's scared me so much. I don't even want to post this cause I can't imagine anyone understanding or anyone not thinking i'm crazy. It makes me feel so lonely.

I just threw up, maybe it was something I ate, or things that have been on my mind, or a combination of both.
School has been weighing so heavy on my mind the past few weeks and I don't think it's just the amount of stress its been putting me under. My sleep schedule is a mess and the workload is putting me down because of my poor study habits. I wish I could be as content as some people are, I wish I could achieve it so effortlessly as some make it out to be. I have no big picture motivation, and I have no motivation to acquire it. I'm lost.

I don't think anything could even make me feel better about things, because I have no core to fix. I hate living moment by moment.