Friend Dilemmas
I’ve got a bit of an interesting situation with a friend right now. I tell this story with care, as my intent isn’t to make a spectacle of her, but I’m also rather baffled by the whole thing and really not sure what to do.
Enter Amanda (and husband Jeff). She has one daughter, age 5.5, who they conceived naturally after trying for a long while, but they haven’t been able to conceive since. She very much wants another child.
About three weeks ago, I got a text from her that was casually talking about morning sickness. It turned out that was her announcement (to me at least) that she was pregnant, but just barely, about four weeks, by her estimation (the standard time when most people initially find out). I congratulated her, was happy for her, etc., and she kept giving me updates of how she was feeling over the next few days (which included extreme fatigue and throwing up, which is pretty early in pregnancy for nausea, for most people, but not unheard of). She was traveling at the time, in Idaho for her grandpa’s funeral.
A couple days after she got back, she sent me a text: “So I went to the med group to do the pregnancy test and they say it came back negative. But I’m a week late and I *know* I’m pregnant so annoying! I don’t get it. Stupid tests . . .”
I expressed my profound sympathies for her. At that point, I figured it was over. She was late for some reason, she had gotten excited, she was having a hard time letting go, but soon her period would start and then she would have a huge disappointment. I found out later that the test she took at the med group was the blood test, not a home urine test, which is highly sensitive and accurate.
But still I waited, and she just kept getting more excited. I kept getting text updates over the next while, and she talked nonstop about pregnancy when we were together. Motherhood Maternity is having sales, she was so excited to buy maternity clothes, she told me all about her morning sickness, heart burn, headaches, frequent urination, cravings, weird dreams, fatigue, “pregnancy brain,” ligaments hurting, hot flashes. I noticed if I mentioned some symptoms of first trimester pregnancy I’d experirenced it seemed in the next day or two she was suddenly complaining about those even when she hadn’t felt them previously. She didn’t exactly announce her news “to the world,” but they told her daughter, who pretty much started telling everyone (the sister missionaries, other random people at school and church). (Note: Amanda also has a history of miscarriages, so to be announcing to everyone when you’re 5 weeks along is not what most people who haven’t had miscarriages would choose to do, much less if you have. Not to mention when you haven’t even gotten a confirmed positive yet).
She told me that when she was in Idaho, her dad had given her a blessing, and the wording had been something like “you will successfully carry this pregnancy full term” or something. Amanda believes, 100%, in the promise of this blessing.
Around 5 weeks, by her count, she sent me: “I retook the test at home yesterday and it was negative. So annoying. But Jeff and I prayed and got the distinct impression it’ll take some time before this baby is ready to be recognized.”
By now I was pretty concerned and asked our friend Joy what she thought about it (Joy had been privy to all the pregnancy discussion, but not the knowledge of two negative tests). Her jaw literally dropped when I told her. We decided we might just try tactfully encouraging her to see a doctor, since if your period is that late and you still haven’t had a positive, you should really see someone anyway.
When I casually brought it up with Amanda, she said that insurance doesn’t cover the visit unless there’s a positive test first. Then texted: “Eventually I’ll have a positive test. Just have to be patient . . . again. Sigh.”
She said she would probably do another blood test later that week, but then it never seemed to happen.
She started wearing maternity clothes (most people don’t need to till late in 1st trimester or well beyond). Pretty obviously wearing maternity clothes, and again, not announcing but not hiding anything. I’m not in her ward so I don’t know how many other people there know, but she’s not exactly being subtle. A week later, “I’m planning to go in for another test after Jeff gets home [he was out of town for the week]. Hopefully by 7 weeks they’ll get a positive test, ha!”
So now we’re sitting at what she’s counted as 7 weeks, 4 days. I never heard back if she retested, and decided against directly asking her about the test again-I’ve just been watchful and asking a lot of generic “how are you doing?” questions so I could step in and help when/if the crash came. Part of me has been quite hopeful that Amanda is right; while it seemed quite unlikely for the tests to be wrong that late in the pregnancy, it was always possible there was an(/er, multiple) error, or maybe Amanda’s counting was off. Then I talked to Joy today. She said Amanda told her a couple days ago that she keeps getting negative tests (meaning maybe she had taken a third recently), and that she has started bleeding. But that Jeff gave her a blessing and the bleeding is necessary for the baby to grow, or something like that, so all is well.
!!!!!!!!!
So now we’re speculating (together with our husbands, one of whom is a psychologist and the other who is a med student): Amanda seems to have hysterical pregnancy, where you can actually convince your body into manifesting symptoms. Jeff seems to share in the delusion. And both of them are heavily basing things on faith, which, while I really, really hesitate to discount, I wonder if they might be going about the whole faith thing in entirely the wrong way-which could have serious consequences.
And now what to do about it? After I talked to Joy, I sent Amanda some generic friendly texts just to get her talking to see if she would tell me what she told Joy-but she didn’t. We had a choir rehearsal last night that Amanda didn’t attend for “health reasons,” and when I inquired as to how she was feeling she just said that her “body is adjusting to the baby” but still didn’t mention any of her problematic symptoms. Since she hasn’t told me any of what she told Joy, I feel like I can’t really act. I have no idea exactly how deep in she is, really, or what her mental state is. I have no idea what dropping reality on her will do, or how to do it, or if it’s best to be coming from her friends-or if she would even accept it. We can’t really approach her husband about it because as far as we know he’s in just as deep. I’m hoping she’ll be convinced to go see a doctor and the doctor will be tactful. And if by some miracle she really is pregnant, and we’re all just a bunch of unspiritual skeptics, well, hallelujah-that would be wonderful.
Enter Amanda (and husband Jeff). She has one daughter, age 5.5, who they conceived naturally after trying for a long while, but they haven’t been able to conceive since. She very much wants another child.
About three weeks ago, I got a text from her that was casually talking about morning sickness. It turned out that was her announcement (to me at least) that she was pregnant, but just barely, about four weeks, by her estimation (the standard time when most people initially find out). I congratulated her, was happy for her, etc., and she kept giving me updates of how she was feeling over the next few days (which included extreme fatigue and throwing up, which is pretty early in pregnancy for nausea, for most people, but not unheard of). She was traveling at the time, in Idaho for her grandpa’s funeral.
A couple days after she got back, she sent me a text: “So I went to the med group to do the pregnancy test and they say it came back negative. But I’m a week late and I *know* I’m pregnant so annoying! I don’t get it. Stupid tests . . .”
I expressed my profound sympathies for her. At that point, I figured it was over. She was late for some reason, she had gotten excited, she was having a hard time letting go, but soon her period would start and then she would have a huge disappointment. I found out later that the test she took at the med group was the blood test, not a home urine test, which is highly sensitive and accurate.
But still I waited, and she just kept getting more excited. I kept getting text updates over the next while, and she talked nonstop about pregnancy when we were together. Motherhood Maternity is having sales, she was so excited to buy maternity clothes, she told me all about her morning sickness, heart burn, headaches, frequent urination, cravings, weird dreams, fatigue, “pregnancy brain,” ligaments hurting, hot flashes. I noticed if I mentioned some symptoms of first trimester pregnancy I’d experirenced it seemed in the next day or two she was suddenly complaining about those even when she hadn’t felt them previously. She didn’t exactly announce her news “to the world,” but they told her daughter, who pretty much started telling everyone (the sister missionaries, other random people at school and church). (Note: Amanda also has a history of miscarriages, so to be announcing to everyone when you’re 5 weeks along is not what most people who haven’t had miscarriages would choose to do, much less if you have. Not to mention when you haven’t even gotten a confirmed positive yet).
She told me that when she was in Idaho, her dad had given her a blessing, and the wording had been something like “you will successfully carry this pregnancy full term” or something. Amanda believes, 100%, in the promise of this blessing.
Around 5 weeks, by her count, she sent me: “I retook the test at home yesterday and it was negative. So annoying. But Jeff and I prayed and got the distinct impression it’ll take some time before this baby is ready to be recognized.”
By now I was pretty concerned and asked our friend Joy what she thought about it (Joy had been privy to all the pregnancy discussion, but not the knowledge of two negative tests). Her jaw literally dropped when I told her. We decided we might just try tactfully encouraging her to see a doctor, since if your period is that late and you still haven’t had a positive, you should really see someone anyway.
When I casually brought it up with Amanda, she said that insurance doesn’t cover the visit unless there’s a positive test first. Then texted: “Eventually I’ll have a positive test. Just have to be patient . . . again. Sigh.”
She said she would probably do another blood test later that week, but then it never seemed to happen.
She started wearing maternity clothes (most people don’t need to till late in 1st trimester or well beyond). Pretty obviously wearing maternity clothes, and again, not announcing but not hiding anything. I’m not in her ward so I don’t know how many other people there know, but she’s not exactly being subtle. A week later, “I’m planning to go in for another test after Jeff gets home [he was out of town for the week]. Hopefully by 7 weeks they’ll get a positive test, ha!”
So now we’re sitting at what she’s counted as 7 weeks, 4 days. I never heard back if she retested, and decided against directly asking her about the test again-I’ve just been watchful and asking a lot of generic “how are you doing?” questions so I could step in and help when/if the crash came. Part of me has been quite hopeful that Amanda is right; while it seemed quite unlikely for the tests to be wrong that late in the pregnancy, it was always possible there was an(/er, multiple) error, or maybe Amanda’s counting was off. Then I talked to Joy today. She said Amanda told her a couple days ago that she keeps getting negative tests (meaning maybe she had taken a third recently), and that she has started bleeding. But that Jeff gave her a blessing and the bleeding is necessary for the baby to grow, or something like that, so all is well.
!!!!!!!!!
So now we’re speculating (together with our husbands, one of whom is a psychologist and the other who is a med student): Amanda seems to have hysterical pregnancy, where you can actually convince your body into manifesting symptoms. Jeff seems to share in the delusion. And both of them are heavily basing things on faith, which, while I really, really hesitate to discount, I wonder if they might be going about the whole faith thing in entirely the wrong way-which could have serious consequences.
And now what to do about it? After I talked to Joy, I sent Amanda some generic friendly texts just to get her talking to see if she would tell me what she told Joy-but she didn’t. We had a choir rehearsal last night that Amanda didn’t attend for “health reasons,” and when I inquired as to how she was feeling she just said that her “body is adjusting to the baby” but still didn’t mention any of her problematic symptoms. Since she hasn’t told me any of what she told Joy, I feel like I can’t really act. I have no idea exactly how deep in she is, really, or what her mental state is. I have no idea what dropping reality on her will do, or how to do it, or if it’s best to be coming from her friends-or if she would even accept it. We can’t really approach her husband about it because as far as we know he’s in just as deep. I’m hoping she’ll be convinced to go see a doctor and the doctor will be tactful. And if by some miracle she really is pregnant, and we’re all just a bunch of unspiritual skeptics, well, hallelujah-that would be wonderful.