Internal Medicine - The 6 Weeks That Was
So I'm in the middle of cramming my requirements for my Medicine rotation - a case management paper on 4 cases that I had during my time in the wards, and my time in the Medical ICU. I'm very distracted though; my current rotation has given me so much free time that I am abusing it. Maybe it's my way of compensating for the lack of Me-Time these past few months, especially during my IM wards rotation. Ahk. I hope I get to finish this.
Many times I've tried to write something regarding this rotation. THIS rotation. However the lack of time and energy to write didn't help things... I was just forced to process and reprocess my thoughts whenever I had the time to think.
It's always about time. I was always pressed for time. It was always like that - papers to be filled, cases to study, carrying out orders, assisting my patients, monitoring the patients, preparing for morning endorsements in Guazon Hall... Time for thinking about other things became a luxury.
My medicine rotation was about me learning to accept that time is precious. Time may mean a patient's dying breaths, time may mean the hourly monitoring of a patient's vital signs, time means that needed laboratories should be done as soon as possible to arrive at a better management plan.
But time could be wasted. Time could be lost. Time may mean the lost moments of being in touch with close friends, extracurriculars and family time.
Medicine is one of my primary differentials in life to be honest, despite the stress that went through in that rotation. It tested my desire, to the point that I didn't want to take it anymore. Can I really go through all that stress as a way of life? In fact, I am still in doubt even today...
It tested my emotional strength. How can I forget the face of my first IM patient, who I just inherited from the previous student in charge for just a blood transfusion, discharged, and then readmitted, got worse and then die? How can I forget the moments where she was sitting up, apparently well and discussing with me her excitement to go home to her child? How can I forget her hope that she will conquer leukemia ... It was hard to accept, to see her deteriorate right before my eyes, under my care.
Such is life.
I won't be a faker and call medicine the best rotation I ever had. Oh my god I learned so much, I am still passionate for it, this is the life for me, I am meant to do this. No. I still doubt. I doubt my capabilities. Yes I learned a lot, but with new learning came new questions - questions that I can't answer in a limited amount of time.
I doubt, and yet I am determined to conquer. I doubt but somehow there are aspects of this specialty that still pull me in. Like that inexplicable joy and thrill when I finally understand something or when I figure out something on my own, or when I see my patient getting better. It gives me joy to fill out discharge papers - it means that they can go home. The toxicity of IM meant that I am very much involved with my patient and that I am really a part of the team that manages a patient, unlike other rotations where I just felt like I was just carrying out orders.
Not to mention the free chocolate and polvoron from a very appreciative bantay. :]
And my new clingy intern friends. :]
In a nutshell, the past rotation was gruelling, taxing, syncope-inducing, and yet fulfilling and filled with learning. Not just about the science about various illnesses, but also about life. And that is something that I will carry around with me forever in my process to become a competent and compassionate doctor.
I'll go back to my papers now.
Many times I've tried to write something regarding this rotation. THIS rotation. However the lack of time and energy to write didn't help things... I was just forced to process and reprocess my thoughts whenever I had the time to think.
It's always about time. I was always pressed for time. It was always like that - papers to be filled, cases to study, carrying out orders, assisting my patients, monitoring the patients, preparing for morning endorsements in Guazon Hall... Time for thinking about other things became a luxury.
My medicine rotation was about me learning to accept that time is precious. Time may mean a patient's dying breaths, time may mean the hourly monitoring of a patient's vital signs, time means that needed laboratories should be done as soon as possible to arrive at a better management plan.
But time could be wasted. Time could be lost. Time may mean the lost moments of being in touch with close friends, extracurriculars and family time.
Medicine is one of my primary differentials in life to be honest, despite the stress that went through in that rotation. It tested my desire, to the point that I didn't want to take it anymore. Can I really go through all that stress as a way of life? In fact, I am still in doubt even today...
It tested my emotional strength. How can I forget the face of my first IM patient, who I just inherited from the previous student in charge for just a blood transfusion, discharged, and then readmitted, got worse and then die? How can I forget the moments where she was sitting up, apparently well and discussing with me her excitement to go home to her child? How can I forget her hope that she will conquer leukemia ... It was hard to accept, to see her deteriorate right before my eyes, under my care.
Such is life.
I won't be a faker and call medicine the best rotation I ever had. Oh my god I learned so much, I am still passionate for it, this is the life for me, I am meant to do this. No. I still doubt. I doubt my capabilities. Yes I learned a lot, but with new learning came new questions - questions that I can't answer in a limited amount of time.
I doubt, and yet I am determined to conquer. I doubt but somehow there are aspects of this specialty that still pull me in. Like that inexplicable joy and thrill when I finally understand something or when I figure out something on my own, or when I see my patient getting better. It gives me joy to fill out discharge papers - it means that they can go home. The toxicity of IM meant that I am very much involved with my patient and that I am really a part of the team that manages a patient, unlike other rotations where I just felt like I was just carrying out orders.
Not to mention the free chocolate and polvoron from a very appreciative bantay. :]
And my new clingy intern friends. :]
In a nutshell, the past rotation was gruelling, taxing, syncope-inducing, and yet fulfilling and filled with learning. Not just about the science about various illnesses, but also about life. And that is something that I will carry around with me forever in my process to become a competent and compassionate doctor.
I'll go back to my papers now.