Meditations on Romance
For the longest time, the only thing I've ever wanted was a romantic relationship. And it's selfish. No one ever gets in a relationship out of selflessness. Everyone has a primordial desire to be loved. It's a cliche, but an honest one at that. Most people just want to be reassured that someone loves and cares about them. I know I do. And don't we yearn for it?
Love, and by extension, romance, are on my mind all the time. I feel it so intensely that I don't know what to do about it. A prospective love once said to me "You're too intense." I think of how she said it every day of my life since I heard her say it three years ago. I don't show much emotion externally, but inside I'm burning with passion. Not a moment goes by where I'm not feeling something.
I think that kind of intensity and devotion scares most women. Once they get close enough, I reveal this part of myself to them, and they turn away running. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm not the kind of person who's interested in a lot of women, and I don't have the urge to fuck anything that moves and move on. I've carried crushes for years. I liked the same girl throughout all of junior high. She had no interest in me, but I carried on the silly adolescent fantasy that she'd get to know me and fall for me. Problem is, she didn't really want to get to know me beyond a guy she had a few classes with. Proof of what an optimist I really am. A lot of people have been quick to label me a pessimist. I'm just realistic at times. Or am I just delusional?
I always wondered why girls didn't seem to like me, until one day, my junior year of high school, a girl in one of my classes pointed out the fact that I'm creepy. It had never occurred to me before. She wasn't the last person to point it out either. It really fucked with my head. In the five years since discovering this, I've constantly been wondering what I'm like in other people's eyes.
I'm 21 years old now, and I've still never had a real girlfriend. I've come close, with pseudo "relationships" that were never official, and didn't go very far. I only had my first official date recently. I can't relate to most of the people in my generation, and I don't open up to many people. I suppose it's difficult for me to trust people. I've connected with so few people, and I seem to ruin it somehow.
I feel like perhaps I'm too weird for most people. I've never really "fit in" with society at large. At the risk of sounding like an angst-y teenage cliche, no one truly understand me, and I suppose I don't make it easy for anyone to either. I just wish people would actually make an effort. I wonder sometimes if my personality is intimidating in some strange way. I've never really had a problem making friends. Some time ago I decided I didn't want to try and make friends. I want people to try and make friends with me. Since high school I've felt that I've had to impose my presence. Eventually I decided I wanted to see who would bother to be my friend, who would approach me, who would make an honest attempt to figure out who I am and what I'm about. Maybe it's all in an attempt to find out who I really am, because I don't think I even know.
Someone told me recently that I'm high maintenance. I disagreed at the time, but I'm beginning to see it. I've ruined a lot of chances with women I had strong feelings for because of it. Everything starts off easy and tempered, and when I allow someone to get close enough, and they allow themselves to get close to me, I get those intensely passionate feelings, and I become demanding. I crave their attention and approval, and when they don't give those intense feelings back, I feel like a child who's been denied a candy bar. I feel like they're rejecting not just me as a person, but everything I am, and I begin to demand even more, in so many ways. I don't know what to do about it. It goes back to that desire to be loved and appreciated.
We all become stuck so far in our habits and head space. I often feel like I hate myself, but deep down, I don't. I actually like who I am. I actually kind of like being weird and different. I like the concept of being an outside. I've always been attracted to people who are different. I just wish someone could appreciate me for it. Whenever someone gets close enough, I want to hang onto it, and when they turn away I try and hold on harder, which is ultimately the downfall of every potential relationship I could have. It's my fault, and only now am I beginning to take responsibility. I'm ultimately the cause of my own misery. I just wish I could control it. I wish I could find someone willing to accept, and perhaps even embrace who I am. I wish I could have one of those great, important, passionate and meaningful relationships. Is that selfish of me?
Love, and by extension, romance, are on my mind all the time. I feel it so intensely that I don't know what to do about it. A prospective love once said to me "You're too intense." I think of how she said it every day of my life since I heard her say it three years ago. I don't show much emotion externally, but inside I'm burning with passion. Not a moment goes by where I'm not feeling something.
I think that kind of intensity and devotion scares most women. Once they get close enough, I reveal this part of myself to them, and they turn away running. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm not the kind of person who's interested in a lot of women, and I don't have the urge to fuck anything that moves and move on. I've carried crushes for years. I liked the same girl throughout all of junior high. She had no interest in me, but I carried on the silly adolescent fantasy that she'd get to know me and fall for me. Problem is, she didn't really want to get to know me beyond a guy she had a few classes with. Proof of what an optimist I really am. A lot of people have been quick to label me a pessimist. I'm just realistic at times. Or am I just delusional?
I always wondered why girls didn't seem to like me, until one day, my junior year of high school, a girl in one of my classes pointed out the fact that I'm creepy. It had never occurred to me before. She wasn't the last person to point it out either. It really fucked with my head. In the five years since discovering this, I've constantly been wondering what I'm like in other people's eyes.
I'm 21 years old now, and I've still never had a real girlfriend. I've come close, with pseudo "relationships" that were never official, and didn't go very far. I only had my first official date recently. I can't relate to most of the people in my generation, and I don't open up to many people. I suppose it's difficult for me to trust people. I've connected with so few people, and I seem to ruin it somehow.
I feel like perhaps I'm too weird for most people. I've never really "fit in" with society at large. At the risk of sounding like an angst-y teenage cliche, no one truly understand me, and I suppose I don't make it easy for anyone to either. I just wish people would actually make an effort. I wonder sometimes if my personality is intimidating in some strange way. I've never really had a problem making friends. Some time ago I decided I didn't want to try and make friends. I want people to try and make friends with me. Since high school I've felt that I've had to impose my presence. Eventually I decided I wanted to see who would bother to be my friend, who would approach me, who would make an honest attempt to figure out who I am and what I'm about. Maybe it's all in an attempt to find out who I really am, because I don't think I even know.
Someone told me recently that I'm high maintenance. I disagreed at the time, but I'm beginning to see it. I've ruined a lot of chances with women I had strong feelings for because of it. Everything starts off easy and tempered, and when I allow someone to get close enough, and they allow themselves to get close to me, I get those intensely passionate feelings, and I become demanding. I crave their attention and approval, and when they don't give those intense feelings back, I feel like a child who's been denied a candy bar. I feel like they're rejecting not just me as a person, but everything I am, and I begin to demand even more, in so many ways. I don't know what to do about it. It goes back to that desire to be loved and appreciated.
We all become stuck so far in our habits and head space. I often feel like I hate myself, but deep down, I don't. I actually like who I am. I actually kind of like being weird and different. I like the concept of being an outside. I've always been attracted to people who are different. I just wish someone could appreciate me for it. Whenever someone gets close enough, I want to hang onto it, and when they turn away I try and hold on harder, which is ultimately the downfall of every potential relationship I could have. It's my fault, and only now am I beginning to take responsibility. I'm ultimately the cause of my own misery. I just wish I could control it. I wish I could find someone willing to accept, and perhaps even embrace who I am. I wish I could have one of those great, important, passionate and meaningful relationships. Is that selfish of me?